Calories Don't Count When...

Now that the first month of the year has come and gone, it's possible that your motivation might be thinning out more than you are. Therefore - always the fixer - I figured I'd help you out on your diet by telling you how to minimize the power of calories.

1. First of all, we all know that if no one sees you eat something, it has no calories. Calories are social beings and prefer the company of many. Should you choose to consume your favorite foods in secret, rest assured that the calories have moved on to more public places.

2. If you eat a diet food with a "regular" food, they cancel each other out. This is especially true of cottage cheese or cling peaches, which is why they are always served on "diet platters" at diners. Eat anything you want; make sure a scoop of cottage cheese is on the plate, and be confident that it absorbed every calorie. (Warning: DO NOT eat the cottage cheese! You'll balloon up like a dirigible.)

3. When eating with someone who's thin, calories don't count if you eat the same amount. As we all know, skinny folks cannot put on weight because calories lose their powers while in their company. Eat with a thin person. You'll be fine. (However, make sure she doesn't have cottage cheese or cling peaches. She'll evaporate into nothingness and the calories will swarm to you.)

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes are calorie-free. This includes any sugary foods used for a mid-day energy boost. Coffee cake therefore is always calorie free, as are any foods consumed at the end of a hard day - provided they are being used to make one feel better and not for the pleasure of the taste.

5. Movie-related foods lose calories because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. Since we are identifying with the character on the screen, they absorb the calories.

6. Cookie, muffin, or cake pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage. The calories spill out of the pastry and remain on the plate. Be wary not to lick the plate or you'll be sorry.

7. If you eat food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count. Calories, being loyal, remain with their original owner. If you nibble from another's plate, the calories feel it is their duty to stay where they originally were. One method utilizing this technique to its best advantage is to only eat from someone else's plate while dining out. Still, it is considered extremely tacky to eat from a stranger's plate.

8. If you eat standing up, the calories all go to your feet and get walked off. This is one of the more well-known zero-calorie rules. That's why the "free sample walking lunch" at warehouse stores is so popular. Not only does it not cost anything, but also the calories fall into the floor.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has zero calories, courtesy of Santa. Related to this, is that candy given on Valentine's day also has zero calories because they are given with love. Why would anyone want you to put on weight because of a romantic gift? They wouldn't. Calories, being naturally amorous, recognize this and leave the candy.