Separation Anxiety and Tantrums

Thanks L. I am just trying to get the control back. It's great hearing from seasoned moms.

RE: "how do I get him dressed without reacting to the tantrums? Do I just continue to force his body into clothing? I feel so bad doing that." I understand. You really do need to get to work on time, and he really needs to be dressed without a fight. Perhaps try getting up a little earlier so you have the time to try more reasonable and calm communication strategies. You need to have a little more time and the patience to communicate in ways he'll understand until he gets the new message. There are couple approaches I'm aware of to consider: - Positive reinforcement (implies a bit of negotiability) - Total enforcement (non-negotiable) Positive reinforcement might involve communicating that he'll get your attention only when he's calm. He can choose. You still might be late to work. In time, he should get the message that to get any quality time with you requires calmness. Total enforcement might involve responding to his AM tantrum by letting him know that you will only dress him when he is calm. If he is not dressed, he will go to daycare dressed how he is. He can choose. You'll have to follow through of course; put his clothes in his daycare bag, pick him up and head for the car. He may decide he's ready to be dressed then, or it may take actually driving him there. Positive reinforcement is most often the best route. But, it isn't the end all be all. It can fail in dangerous or higher stakes situations such as crossing streets safely, getting to work on time, or simply being able to eat peacefully at a restaurant with your child. Boys, and especially young ones need to know who is in charge so you can protect him. If everything is negotiable, you'll have a much tougher time. I know it is difficult. You can do it. Hope you find some of this useful. Good luck. -L

Last night I really thought about the comments you made greenlantern. On my way home I stopped by Henry's to pick up some groceries for dinner. I noticed that they also had some hippie music type CDs on a stand so I picked one out. I had plans of making the home more zen like for dinner. I threw in a pretty orchid for me. When I got home, he looked exhausted and pitiful. Charles, my hubby, told me he was upset when he didn't see me home and had been crying. I picked him for a cuddle and popped the CD in. Lit some aroma therapy candles. When he was finally ready to let go, I propped him on butcher table while I prepared dinner. Charles helped keep him entertained. Once dinner was ready to eat, I asked Charles to clean up the kitchenwhile Chane and I played. He still did not want me to leave his sight. At this point while having dinner, I am loving the atmosphere but I still haven't solved the main issue of clinginess. After reading Luna's comment, I think that it is a little bit of both anxiety and control. I think the tantrums are a result of some kind of separation anxiety. This morning while I was in the kitchen getting my lunch ready, I hear him screaming for me. I run in to check on him but he is asleep. When he does wake up, he fights me on everything. He tightens up his body so that I can't get him dressed, he tells me he doesn't want to wear diapers. He wants to wear underwear( pull-ups). He won't put on pants, shirts, socks. He comes up with any excuses to delay the inevitable. He is making it impossible for him to be ready for daycare and for me to get to work. Once we say our goodbyes, Charles says that he gets over it after a few minutes. When I do disappear while he is having a tantrum, he stops and searches for me. I do agree with Luna, that the correct course of action is to not to respond or react to the tantrums. But how do I get him dressed without reacting to the tantrums? Do I just continue to force his body into clothing? I feel so bad doing that.

I have 3 children and a lot of experience with tantrums at a range of ages. It always seemed to me that the more I responded or reacted to tantrums, the more frequent they became. I feel that you are on the right track with letting him cry for a few minutes providing he's not being too self-destructive to get your attention. Since he gets over the separation a few minutes after you leave, it might be more of a control issue than separation anxiety. If he has evidence that the tantrum gets your immediate attention, he'll keep using it. If you are repeatedly calm, and reinforcing calm communication, and otherwise ignoring the tantrum, perhaps he'll get the message. Consider watching him discretely after you leave for some time and form your own opinion whether the tantrums are true extended anxiety or just agressive calls out for more mommy-time.

Did you try shaking him? I had a nanny that got great results with that. She's in jail now, but it worked great! JK :-) Seriously though... ahhh the beginning of the terrible twos. Is there anything you can do with him daily that would provide periods of calm relaxation for him (almost like a meditative state)? What about sitting with him in your lap for 5-10 minutes in the morning or at night and just breathing slowly and calmly (kind of like meditating)? Or lie on the floor with him and play calm music (like Mozart ballads or something)? I have this theory that if we meditate or create a calm atmosphere for young children, they are calmer in general. In households where there is lots of noise, activity, or if one of the parents is restless, that could rub off on the child. Not saying your household is like that. Maybe it's perfectly calm. Just some ideas I have about raising a child. Best of luck!