3 Ways To Shake The Fear of Divorce

Most people who are going through a divorce have never gone through one before, so they don’t know what to expect. And that’s scary! Yet according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, there is 1 divorce approximately every 36 seconds in America. That's nearly 2,400 divorces per day, 16,800 divorces per week and 876,000 divorces a year.

If so many people all around us are doing it, why are we still so afraid of it?

Well, it’s a little like death. We’re all going to die, every single one of us. Yet we’re all scared (to death) of it.

It’s fear of the unknown.

So, let’s take away some of the fear around divorce so, if necessary, w can face it from a place of power instead of a place of fear. Here are the top 3 ways to do that...

1. Get strong. If someone is eating junk, over-drinking, not exercising, not sleeping enough and just not taking care of themselves, they’ll be in a compromised condition and everything will seem even worse — and scarier — than it is. Also, if they have no access to money, that’s going to add to their fear. When facing divorce, you want to be in the best possible shape — physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and financially. Here’s how to do it:

• Eat a healthy diet
• Exercise regularly
• Drink 64 oz. of water per day
• Sleep 8 hours per night
• Meditate daily
• Create a self-care ritual
• Stockpile cash

 When someone is strong in all these areas, they'll be thinking more clearly, have a more positive perspective and feel more in control, which takes away a lot of the fear.

2. Get educated. Instead of looking at divorce as this big, scary monster, chop it up into little pieces and learn about each aspect of it. The more we know, the less afraid we’ll be.

First, learn as much as much as possible about the different ways someone can divorce:

Do-It-Yourself/Internet Divorce: This is only for couples who can work together to come up with their own agreement.

Mediation: Couples work with a mediator who is neutral, then each hires his/her own lawyer to look it over.

Collaborative Divorce: You each hire an attorney and all parties agree to be more cooperative than combative in negotiations. If an agreement cannot be reached and you must litigate, these attorneys cannot represent you and you must hire new attorneys.

Litigated Divorce: Each party hires an attorney and works independently to identify relevant issues. One side files a motion; the other side answers. Each side demands “discovery” from the other side — financial statements and any other pertinent documentation necessary to prove one’s case. The two sides attempt to settle the case. If they are unsuccessful, the case goes to trial before a judge.

Once you have a complete understanding of what your options are (and the costs associated with them), you’ll have less fear about taking your next step. Knowledge is power.

3. Detach from the outcome. Let go of any worries you have about how things may turn out. Stop playing the “what if” game. “What if I’m left with no money?” “What if he gets custody of the kids?” “What if I lose my house?” “What if I’m alone the rest of my life?” It’s human nature to play out all of these worst-case scenarios in our heads. But chances are they won’t happen.

It would be just as easy to imagine all of the best-case scenarios, but we don’t usually do that. Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Plan, prepare, and practice, but don’t worry. It will be what it will be. Know that you are strong enough, capable enough, and knowledgeable enough to get through whatever happens. Once you take the attachment to a specific outcome out of the equation, there can be no fear. And you are free.

When you take these three actions, you will not only feel better, sleep better, have a clearer head and become more adaptable, but you will eliminate the fear. And once the fear is gone, you will become invincible.

Victoria McCooey is a transformational divorce coach, motivational speaker and founder of The Divorce Course for Women. If you are going through a divorce and would like to move through it with support and preparation, you can learn more about Victoria and her work at www.victoriamccooey.com.