Give Your Spouse the Support They Need to Enter an Alcohol Treatment Program
by Lisa
Having a loved one that is struggling with alcoholism can be one of the most difficult and challenging times in the relationship. Giving your spouse the support and remaining strong yourself is integral when wanting to help your spouse get the treatment and care that they may or may not be ready to seek. The reality is, you may be successful in helping your spouse go into treatment, however it is really their journey and work to apply and maintain recovery as part of their lifestyle change. Therefore, knowing that it is really up to your spouse to get help and yet providing the help that you can to attend to the relationship, and both of your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health is important as well. The following is some advice intended to provide some guidance and help to make this process a little less stressful.
Do
Do
- educate yourself by consulting with experts
- be prepared to make changes and take on your own role
- engage your family and social network
- research the financial and other requirements of treatment
- learn about setting boundaries and maintaining them
Don't
Do educate yourself by consulting with experts
Explore resources including interventionists, treatment programs, therapists that specialize in treating addiction, and other professionals that are in the field. Getting as much information about treatment is important, the primary goal of gaining knowledge is to become aware of what to expect. This will help with anxiety or other related problems that can occur if you don't have a clue of what to expect as you prepare to confront your spouse's addiction.
Do be prepared to make changes and take on your own role
Sometimes dealing with a spouse's addiction can confront your own role in possibly enabling the addiction. Many times, the denial that a spouse is exhibiting is similar to your own denial of what your role is in enabling an addiction. Be prepared to be confronted by your spouses treatment program, which may occur in family week and family education. Family is essential in treating an addiction, but is also a significant factor of how the spouses addiction has gone untreated for a period of time. Therefore, be prepared that sobriety extends to the family and you, and some of the insights you will gain about the how, why, and what will be very enlightening and yet very troubling of what you may discover about yourself in relation to your spouse's addiction.
Do engage your family and support network
Get support from the family to help you create a support network for your spouse and you. It is helpful for family, whether biologically or socially related, to come together and support you and your spouse as you deal with an addiction. It is ideal if you can surround yourself and your spouse with support from those that love you both as you take on the potentially difficult conversation of confronting an addiction. This support can also help with child care, logistics related to your spouse possibly not being able to work, take care of children, or maintain the home, etc.
Do research the financial and other requirements of treatment
Check treatment programs and have a plan including checking on insurance. Many times individuals will be ready to confront their spouses addiction, and then find that they don't have a plan or that the cost of treatment was not what they expected. It is therefore good to get some preliminary information on programs that are contracted with your insurance panel if you need to use insurance. You should also find out more information on treatment and the length and cost.
Do learn about setting boundaries and maintaining them
Take action and hold boundaries even though it can be very heartbreaking and difficult for you. More often than not, particularly with those that seek treatment for the first time, they will want to leave or not complete treatment. As the spouse, this is one of the most challenging problems to face. If you can, try and hold your boundaries by consulting with your interventionist, family counselor with the program, and case manager of the program to encourage them to help you be prepared for your spouse wanting to return home too soon.
Don't
Do not assume it is all about your spouse
This is a lifestyle shift for both of you. Many times, as the spouse, you may find that you think everything will be okay once your spouse seeks treatment and gets fixed - and then you find they are more vocal with their emotions, they are processing feelings more and seem to be more involved in ways that you may not have expected once they got sober. Be prepared for a shift in lifestyle and priorities; many times a spouse of a recovering alcoholic will not understand that the passion for the 12 step program, for example, has occurred as a result of seeking treatment. Therefore it is important to prepare for some of these new ways of communicating with your spouse and experiences that you may not have expected.
Do not imply or maintain old patterns of behavior
Maintaining old patterns of behavior is a hard cycle to break. Passive-aggressive behaviors that may have been the form of communication for an extended period of time between you and your spouse before treatment shouldn't be kept. Learning new ways to communicate and express your emotions and opinions is important. Therefore, learning healthy communication skills and being willing to ask for what you want is important. Addicts will many times be the first to admit they can be self centered and selfish, many times that is part of the territory of addiction. Therefore, learn how to communicate your feelings and deal with your emotions.
Do not bring up the past wreckage without a therapist or preparation
Your feelings about the past deserve to be acknowledged in a mindful and considerate manner. The past is bound to come up when dealing with addiction; it can bust a family apart and create a lot of resentment that, if it goes unprocessed or addressed, will continue to drive tension in the family. Therefore, prepare to do your own process, whether this be in an Al-Anon program or family therapy once your spouse has completed treatment. Part of their recovery is acknowledging some of the past issues they have caused between both of you. This is not about blaming, but instead is more about acknowledging the occurrences for the purposes of releasing them to the past. Once you process, let it go and avoid bringing up old issues over and over again. That will only hinder you and your spouse.
Do not assume your spouse can drink socially
Dealing with addiction is a very challenging process and deserves a team of professionals to help you and your spouse. Many times, people think addiction is negotiable in the sense that their spouse can drink socially as long as they don't overdo it. Everyone is different, however, if your spouse has been diagnosed or meets criteria for alcohol dependence, the likelihood of them drinking again whether socially or otherwise is closer to zero, if not zero.
Do not do this on your own
You can't just throw out all the alcohol and yell at your spouse to stop drinking. You are dealing with a medical aspect of alcoholism that should include a medical doctor to evaluate and monitor detoxification symptoms. The medical aspects of addiction are important to consider, so keep in mind seizures, withdrawal and tremors, vomiting, shaking and other physical symptoms, that deserve medical attention and monitoring. Therefore, it is important to engage a doctor or addiction psychiatrist to help with the medical aspects of addiction.
Summary
- assume it is all about your spouse
- imply or maintain old patterns of behavior
- bring up the past wreckage without a therapist or preparation
- assume your spouse can drink socially
- do this on your own
Do
Do educate yourself by consulting with experts
Explore resources including interventionists, treatment programs, therapists that specialize in treating addiction, and other professionals that are in the field. Getting as much information about treatment is important, the primary goal of gaining knowledge is to become aware of what to expect. This will help with anxiety or other related problems that can occur if you don't have a clue of what to expect as you prepare to confront your spouse's addiction.
Do be prepared to make changes and take on your own role
Sometimes dealing with a spouse's addiction can confront your own role in possibly enabling the addiction. Many times, the denial that a spouse is exhibiting is similar to your own denial of what your role is in enabling an addiction. Be prepared to be confronted by your spouses treatment program, which may occur in family week and family education. Family is essential in treating an addiction, but is also a significant factor of how the spouses addiction has gone untreated for a period of time. Therefore, be prepared that sobriety extends to the family and you, and some of the insights you will gain about the how, why, and what will be very enlightening and yet very troubling of what you may discover about yourself in relation to your spouse's addiction.
Do engage your family and support network
Get support from the family to help you create a support network for your spouse and you. It is helpful for family, whether biologically or socially related, to come together and support you and your spouse as you deal with an addiction. It is ideal if you can surround yourself and your spouse with support from those that love you both as you take on the potentially difficult conversation of confronting an addiction. This support can also help with child care, logistics related to your spouse possibly not being able to work, take care of children, or maintain the home, etc.
Do research the financial and other requirements of treatment
Check treatment programs and have a plan including checking on insurance. Many times individuals will be ready to confront their spouses addiction, and then find that they don't have a plan or that the cost of treatment was not what they expected. It is therefore good to get some preliminary information on programs that are contracted with your insurance panel if you need to use insurance. You should also find out more information on treatment and the length and cost.
Do learn about setting boundaries and maintaining them
Take action and hold boundaries even though it can be very heartbreaking and difficult for you. More often than not, particularly with those that seek treatment for the first time, they will want to leave or not complete treatment. As the spouse, this is one of the most challenging problems to face. If you can, try and hold your boundaries by consulting with your interventionist, family counselor with the program, and case manager of the program to encourage them to help you be prepared for your spouse wanting to return home too soon.
Don't
Do not assume it is all about your spouse
This is a lifestyle shift for both of you. Many times, as the spouse, you may find that you think everything will be okay once your spouse seeks treatment and gets fixed - and then you find they are more vocal with their emotions, they are processing feelings more and seem to be more involved in ways that you may not have expected once they got sober. Be prepared for a shift in lifestyle and priorities; many times a spouse of a recovering alcoholic will not understand that the passion for the 12 step program, for example, has occurred as a result of seeking treatment. Therefore it is important to prepare for some of these new ways of communicating with your spouse and experiences that you may not have expected.
Do not imply or maintain old patterns of behavior
Maintaining old patterns of behavior is a hard cycle to break. Passive-aggressive behaviors that may have been the form of communication for an extended period of time between you and your spouse before treatment shouldn't be kept. Learning new ways to communicate and express your emotions and opinions is important. Therefore, learning healthy communication skills and being willing to ask for what you want is important. Addicts will many times be the first to admit they can be self centered and selfish, many times that is part of the territory of addiction. Therefore, learn how to communicate your feelings and deal with your emotions.
Do not bring up the past wreckage without a therapist or preparation
Your feelings about the past deserve to be acknowledged in a mindful and considerate manner. The past is bound to come up when dealing with addiction; it can bust a family apart and create a lot of resentment that, if it goes unprocessed or addressed, will continue to drive tension in the family. Therefore, prepare to do your own process, whether this be in an Al-Anon program or family therapy once your spouse has completed treatment. Part of their recovery is acknowledging some of the past issues they have caused between both of you. This is not about blaming, but instead is more about acknowledging the occurrences for the purposes of releasing them to the past. Once you process, let it go and avoid bringing up old issues over and over again. That will only hinder you and your spouse.
Do not assume your spouse can drink socially
Dealing with addiction is a very challenging process and deserves a team of professionals to help you and your spouse. Many times, people think addiction is negotiable in the sense that their spouse can drink socially as long as they don't overdo it. Everyone is different, however, if your spouse has been diagnosed or meets criteria for alcohol dependence, the likelihood of them drinking again whether socially or otherwise is closer to zero, if not zero.
Do not do this on your own
You can't just throw out all the alcohol and yell at your spouse to stop drinking. You are dealing with a medical aspect of alcoholism that should include a medical doctor to evaluate and monitor detoxification symptoms. The medical aspects of addiction are important to consider, so keep in mind seizures, withdrawal and tremors, vomiting, shaking and other physical symptoms, that deserve medical attention and monitoring. Therefore, it is important to engage a doctor or addiction psychiatrist to help with the medical aspects of addiction.
Summary
Ultimately, your spouse is going to make the final call as to whether they want to address their alcoholism. It is a challenging road for a non-using spouse. However, it is one of the most rewarding and connective experiences to have dealt with one of the most insidious and life-threatening diseases there is. Be patient, know that you have the power to only change yourself, make sure you take care of you as your spouse takes care of themselves. Begin a self care plan that includes alternative healthy living in the home and try not to do this on your own. The beauty of recovery is the strong support network that is available to you with people that can relate to you within a moment of meeting.
4/18/2013 9:37:38 PM
Written by Lisa
Lisa Bahar is a licensed marriage and family therapist and licensed professional clinical counselor, having received her graduate degree from Pepperdine University in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis in marriage and family therapy and her Baccalaureate in Cinema-Television Production from the University of Southern C...
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