The Power of Significant Anniversaries: 5 Ways to Honor and Heal Past Experiences

Yesterday, you had a good day, and you were in good spirits, but today you woke up in an emotional funk. As you scan your life, you can’t find a specific reason for the shift in your mood. Nothing playing out in your life today matches the angst you are feeling.

Before you generate a scenario to make sense of this unexpected emotional shift, ask yourself this: Did something significant happen at this time of year? Last year? A few years ago? A decade or two ago? In your teens? As a child? Perhaps you were in an accident, received a diagnosis, had surgery, had a health scare, went through a break up or divorce, experienced a death in the family, lost your job, moved to a new city, were in the middle of a disaster, were evacuated, lost your home, had a violent encounter, lost your pet, experienced a shock, or helped manage a health situation for a loved one. Don’t feel constrained by this list of possible anniversaries. Reach back into your memory to see what you recall.

If a significant transition, shock, or trauma surfaces, it’s likely you are experiencing an Anniversary Response (or Anniversary Reaction). Austrian neurologist, Sigmund Freud, was the first person to recognize and name this pattern. He noted that clients often experienced distress on the anniversaries of difficult experiences even when they weren’t consciously thinking about the previous event.

Although the precise mechanism has not been defined, studies show that our bodies remember the trauma associated with past events, even when our minds do not. The upwelling of emotions and sensations during an anniversary give us the opportunity to release them and come to a new understanding of our original experience.

Follow these tips to create a compassionate, nurturing experience for yourself as you move through your anniversary.

1. Acknowledge your anniversary. As soon as you consciously connect your anniversary experiences with the original event, something shifts. Making this link will often take a bit of the edge off your funk, because you finally have a reason for why you are feeling off. You may even notice that your body relaxes a bit, knowing that you are not facing a new threat.

2. Honor your emotions. Resist the urge to hold back or “figure out” why you are feeling off. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Releasing the emotions that are bubbling to the surface gives you the opportunity to let go of stress you have been holding in your body since the original event.

3. Tell your story about the original event. Whether you write in your journal or tell a trusted friend or family member, there’s value in revisiting your story. By sharing your current version of your original experience, you may notice what is salient right now as well as how your story has changed since the initial event.

4. Create a way to mark this moment. Give yourself the opportunity to honor your original experience and who you are now. Feel into the best way for you to be with your experience. Whether you choose to mark this moment alone or with loved ones, the experience can bring you insights, support, and compassion. Light a candle alone or with loved ones. Visit a place that connects with the event or someone you are grieving. Gather with others to share a meal and reminisce. You may discover that each person brings a different perspective, which may validate new details, memories, insights, and healing.

5. Record your insights. As you move through your anniversary experience, take note of any new thoughts you have about this time in your life. Even though it feels like you could never forget the new perspective you’ve just found, insights can be fleeting. By recording your new thoughts in a journal or an email to yourself, you’ll be able to revisit them if this anniversary is salient in future years.

If you’ve been processing through the emotions of a significant anniversary that you are likely to mark in future years, give yourself the opportunity to be proactive next time. Rather than waking up in an unexpected funk, design how you want to honor this time next year. As a significant anniversary month approaches, explore where you want to be for that anniversary. Set up a source of support – a friend, loved one, coach, or therapist – to comfort you in the weeks leading up to and through your significant anniversary.

Although you may worry that your feelings will deepen and darken on the actual anniversary, it’s entirely possible that the heaviness will lift off your heart as the precise time of the anniversary passes. Be gentle with yourself for a few days after your anniversary. Give yourself time to process and integrate your experience.

Carol McClelland Fields, PhD, an award-winning author and Board Certified Coach, provides inspiration and practical support for those who are in the midst of transition. Embrace a new relationship with change. Carol works with people globally, including professionals who work with clients in transition, as an emerging or seasoned coach, therapist, or other Change Catalyst. Download Carol's eBook, Riding the Waves of Change: Growing, Healing, and Evolving Through Times of Deep Uncertainty at www.CarolMcClellandFields.com.