6 Ways to Cure Your Sexless Marriage

You fantasize about long, languorous sessions of lovemaking with your spouse, quickies before the kids rise, and steamy surprises in the afternoon. And yet—that’s not what is happening in your marriage. In fact you can’t remember the last time you and your spouse touched passionately. Suffering in a sexless marriage can be lonely and isolating.

We live in a sex negative world. Even though images of sexy people are plastered everywhere --we really don’t support healthy sexual expression. What does “healthy sexual expression” even look like you may wonder? There are so many messages that sex is “nasty” why would you want to do it with the person you love most in the world—your beloved spouse and the parent of your children?

But we need sex. People who have sex frequently have better immune systems, stress response, and lower blood pressure. Sex burns calories, tones muscles and promotes the flow of oxytocin, which when released during orgasm helps increase connection, empathy and bonding. So let’s have great sex with our spouses to improve our health and strengthen our marriages!

Here’s a few ideas:

- Identify the source of the problem: Relationships are multi-faceted. You may be very well matched in many areas but atrophied sexually. Cultural beliefs, past trauma, workaholism, drinking, body image issues can all drive a wedge between you and your spouse. Try to identify the origin of the problem. Resist the urge to hang it all on one of you. Marriages are interdependent—pinpoint what your pattern is together.

- Get a counselor to sort it out: The very act of going to a therapist office and asking for help says “we are committed to making changes.” Find a safe space to sort out your issues.

- Schedule Sex - Don’t Wait for Sexual Arousal: It can be a challenging to let go of the myth that great sex happens spontaneously. Maybe it did before kids, hectic careers and schedules. But now sex needs to be put in your calendar like working out or grocery shopping.

- Lower your standards.:Yes—you read that correctly. Sex with our spouse can be so loaded with expectations of perfection, fulfillment, being the perfectly happy connected married couple. Do you remember having amazing sex with someone you were casually dating? When the stakes are low this can actually free you up to cut loose. Is there a way to capture that abandon with your spouse?

- Explore the forbidden: Can you share your sexual fantasies and erotic life with your spouse? Test the waters. Trying to have politically correct sex kills the erotic charge. I am not suggesting you do anything that goes against your value system—but fantasies are rarely politically correct. I am an ardent feminist—yet I love being a submissive in the bedroom. I don’t want to be dominated at the workplace or in the kitchen! But that’s the point of sexual charge—it’s often surprisingly contrary to our self-perceptions. Can you play with your taboo feelings together?

- Get your sexual needs met elsewhere: Considering that there is a lot of cheating already happening, is it possible to make honest straightforward agreements about sex? Why would you want to take this risk? Taking the pressure off of each other can actually do several positive things. It can remove the inflammation between you. Now there is a choice. This may allow space to rekindle sexual desire. Also, your spouse may surprise you by either changing or by giving you their blessing. You might create an honest arrangement that allows both of you to get what you need. It can be done.

Whatever you do, keep in mind a dearth of sex can happen in the best of marriages. Explore what is possible for you and your spouse—and don’t give up!

10/11/2015 9:00:00 PM
Gracie X
Written by
Gracie X is the author of “Wide Open: My Adventures in Polyamory, Open Marriage and Loving on My Own Terms.”
View Full Profile Website: http://www.graciex.com/

I am appalled at that last statement. Cheating is never an option in our book(me and my spouse).
Posted by Louise
I could not believe that last one, I had to reread it a few times because I thought I must have missed something. That makes me really sad to think that a big part of what makes a marriage special is now seen as something as casual as borrowing a cup of sugar from your neighbor
Posted by Monica
I am sooooh disappointed, Wellness Mama. I had you on a pedestal. Cheating on your spouse, agreed or not is not kosher. Is there nothing sacred anymore? ?
Posted by Linda Biggs
The last suggestion was a little difficult to stomach at first but after thinking about my failed marriage I think it may be on to something. My ex husband cheated on me time and time again. Then he'd lie about it and it made me feel like i was crazy or stupid because i never had any proof, just a gut feeling. Had he been honest I would have given it a shot. Less then a year into our marriage he stopped having an interest in me and it hurt alot but I wanted badly to make our marriage last. By the end of our 14 year marriage I hated him for leaving me emotionally alone. Besides, I really LOVE sex and it would have been nice to have had some with someone besides myself every day!! Now we are separated and fighting over 3 children because of his lies. All he had to do was be honest because I was down to try anything. I know I would have struggled with jealousy but I would have pushed through it if it could have kept us together. I would have tried it rather then be lied to.
Posted by Tabitha
I disagree with going outside marriage for sex.
How does going outside the marriage strengthen it?
If my wife did this, I wouldnt want to touch her again and would 100% divorce!
Posted by MARVIN
Role-playing is a wonderful tool. Go out and meet up as strangers. Sex in different places is highly erotic. Bathroom of a business, on an empty football field, at a deserted playground, in your car, in your backyard, in the woods under the stars, in a swimming pool.... Be adventurous and act like your 20 again. Sex in bed, in the same position, time and time again is so very boring. Go to a sex shop and get some toys. Women, they are great when you have the urge and he is not around. Most women reading this have hang ups about their body, especially after having kids. Guess what, men don't care. They see you as a whole, not our stretch marks or cellulite on our butt or legs. It took me years to overcome this and years of lost great sex. Some of you are too afraid to step out of your comfort zone or feel certain acts are not moral. Get over it. God made us to not only have sex, but to enjoy it by way of giving us orgasms. Play with your toys and tell him what to do that makes you feel good. THEY WANT DIRECTION!!!! Finally, every relationship is different. We have no right to judge. Trust is the foundation of all relationships. If two people mutually agree to seek sex outside of the relationship who are we to criticize. If needs are not being met at home, needs WILL be met somewhere else. That's a fact. If you need help, seek counseling. Share you, all of you, with the one you love. And step out of your comfort zone and drive him crazy. You did it once, do it again. Happy sex for whatever works for the two of you.
Posted by windi Grace
I agree with the other comments, I do not believe the last comment in your suggestions was wither appropriate or helpful. This is not what marriage is all about, not sure what is going on in your marriage, but I think even a counselor would tell you it is morally WRONG.
Posted by Deb
Your advice towards the end of the article regarding having a different partner than ones own husband is immoral and adulterous. Don't vows and the 10 Commandments mean anything to you? To abandoned those sacred values in order for an orgasm by someone other than your spouse is sickening. Shame on you!
Posted by Jennifer Townley
Only pigs share their matches! The last so called advice is not for decent people! It shows your calibre Gracie! Because you ask to have sex with another person other then your spouse, partner or whatever you name doesn't mean that it's not cheating. FYI, sex is not everything!
Posted by Toofamoustotell

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