Tempted by the Wounded Guy: Can This Relationship Make It?

Hello All,

I received a question from a reader on my Ask The Singlescoach portion of my site the other day, and wanted to share it with you. This information could help you get what you need out your relationship...keep reading

Dear Singlescoach: i'm 28yrs old and i've been with my 31yr old boyfriend for 3months. it took me a long time to be able to open my heart up to another man after a bad break up with my previous boyfriend of 3 yrs. the problem i have at the moment is that i find myself making all the same mistakes with him that eventually caused the break-up with my ex. things happend very fast between us. we've slept together (something we've now decided to stop doing due to religious reasons), we've told each other we love each other and we've shared things with each other that we've never shared with anyone else. we have a lot in common and share a very strong connection. something that makes things a bit more complicated is that he is adhd but i work with children with autism and adhd so i do understand a lot of his behaviour although its not always easy to be on the receiving end of it. i tend to become very dependent on my partner and seem to base everything in my life on the relationship and how things are going between us. he had a tough childhood and when he needs to deal with things he wants to be alone which often means he will just pack up and leave if we have an argument and then talk to me once he's calmed down. i'm the kind of person who likes to sort things out and not have hanging issues when we leave each other. i like to have things cleared up before we say goodbye or go to bed at night. and when i'm down i just want him with me to hold me and tell me everythings gonna be ok. this may seem like a very small problem but the different needs we have in dealing with issues in our relationship has become the biggest issue. he needs to be alone...i need him with me...and i always seem to end up with the short end of the stick cos once he's made a decision thats it. i really do love this guy and think we have the potential to go all the way with this but these little things seem to be causing us unnecessary grief at the moment...how do we go forward from here in a way that both of us get what we need from this relationship?? - Kay

Dear Kay,

First of all, I admire you both for deciding to stop sleeping together. This will lower the emotional intensity and give you the opportunity to focus on how you communicate. One of the most important hurdles in a new relationship - one that sets the stage for either a happy, fulfilled relationship or a constant drama-rama, draining relationship - is learning how to negotiate your needs.

Negotiating your needs is possible when you are balanced in the relationship - meaning that you both want it equally. You are out of balance when one person wants it really badly while the other person is ambivalent. You are also out of balance when one person is willing to throw away your connection on an emotional whim while the other person is fiercly protective of your connection.

In your case, Kay, it sounds like you are needier, more protective of the relationship. You are fully invested in this, while he sounds ambivalent. You are concerned about his bad childhood, and that sounds like a wounded guy.

The anxiety and feelings of abandonment (when he packs up and leaves) is a signal. It is telling you that you are too invested with someone who is not equally invested, or who is too wounded to be a real partner. Here's what I recommend you do to get this relationship more in balance:

At a time when you are both in a good emotional space, have the "you and me" talk. Ask him if he sees the possibility of the two of you married down the road. Tell him you're not sure of that yet because your relationship is so new, but that you are in this to make that discovery, not just for fun and games.
Listen to his answer carefully. Be bold, ask clarifying questions, avoid getting emotionally triggered. It is crucial that you stay calm so that he can feel safe really opening up and being honest with you about where you stand.
If this conversations reveals that you are on different pages, then you have some serious choices to make. It will probably not work out for you if you are far apart in your long-term intentions.
If the conversation reveals that you are on the same page or close to that, then the next step is to bring up how you deal with conflict. Talk about how you feel when he exits abruptly. Tell him you respect the fact that he needs to separate in order to calm down. Ask him to separate more gently; i.e., tell you when he will be back to finish the discussion, and reassure you that he isn't leaving the relationship, just taking a break to calm down.
This conversation will show you one of two things: 1. he's ready to be committed to doing what it takes to keep your relationship growing in a positive direction, or 2. he's not ready or he's too wounded and emotionally immature to be a real partner in growth. You may be dating a wounded guy - and that's one of the ten Temptations of the Single Girl that pulls you off of your path to a great relationship.