Is Your Child Sleep Deprived? Comments

Amy-\nI'm delighted that you suggest non-violent communication. There is a book using this approach written specifically for parents, called "Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids" by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson. \n\nI think the reason this approach works is that it extends respect to the other person, so they aren't being pushed around. It meets their basic needs. And, as you say, when we express our caring for them and our concern, they respond from their love for us.\n\nUltimately, the only leverage we really have with our children is their love for us. My entire parenting approach is about creating a terrific relationship with your child. Naturally, that puts us in touch with our best parenting instincts. But just as important, it makes our kids WANT to please us, and parenting becomes a whole lot less work!\n\nThanks for writing!\nLaura

There is an interesting book that addresses this called "Non-Violent Communication." I'd recommend reading it. It's not just about kids, but does discuss them. The formula is counter intuitive, but it actually works. I've tested it many times with my son and daughter.\n \nI can't do the book justice, but essentially instead of punishing kids for not doing what we want them to do we take an approach that elicits their natural desire to be helpful and compassionate.\n \nThe way to do this is to not blame or judge them for their behavior. Nor do we make it wrong. We just tell them how it makes us feel and what our needs are. When they see how their actions affect us negatively and make us feel they will naturally want to change their behavior. Takes a lot of practice to get it right. \n \nFor example, instead of ordering a child to go to bed, we could say something like: "Timmy, I am feeling concerned and afraid that you are not getting enough sleep. I feel this way because I have a need for you to be healthy and live a long prosperous life. I would be grateful and more comfortable if you would go to sleep around 9pm each night."\n \nI know it sounds counter intuitive and wimpy. When I read that I thought "This will never work. They don't care how I feel." But if you're sincere and not just doing it to manipulate them, it will show through. They will not want to intentionally harm you; so out of compassion they will comply.\n \nTry it out and let me know if it works. I recommend reading the whole book before trying it though. Also, practice with some co-workers or other members of your family first. It's very awkward to get used to talking in terms of feelings and needs instead of judgments and orders.\n \nHope this helps!\n \nAmy\n

With a 15yr old boy we've experienced all these issues of course. Limiting his exposure to poor quality snack foods at home and promoting exhausting physical activities does help. He is a wonderfully respectful loving child who wants to please his parents in general, but he is really struggling with getting to bed even remotely on time. After trying many ways to communicate the importance of him getting to bed on time, it was down to establishing some kind of consequence for staying up too late. It seemed there was only one thing that would remind him look at the clock and shut the lights off anywhere near 10pm. With all the options in a teen's life these days, even coming up with a memorable and fair consequence was really challenging. If you take away one thing, they have ten other entertainment sources at their fingertips. General old-school grounding seems unproductive and might create depression. What is a parent to do? Don't laugh, but this worked: Getting our teen a mobile phone with an unlimited text messaging contract got him so hooked on messaging his girlfriend and buddies (which was part of the problem I'm sure), but it also turned out to be part of the solution. Not losing his phone seemed to be the only consequence that would encourage him to "remember" to comply. He really felt disconnected w/o the phone and would do whatever it took to get it back. Remarkably, getting to bed on time became easy. I trust there are better ways to get a teenager to bed on time. I hope to read that blog soon and become enlightened to some real strategies.