Breaking the “All-or-Nothing” Mindset: 4 Ways to Be Cognitively Flexible and Nurture Connections

 As a life-long professional and personal “work-in-progress” myself, one of the ways I can spot a need to shift my thinking  is when my thoughts start looping with sentences that begin with, “It’s always…,” or “I know how this ends…”.I am a therapist specializing in addiction and attachment theory, so I have the opportunity to see the psychological rigidity that seeps in when relationship experiences get disappointing or confusing.  

One of the signs of resilience in life is flexibility, and not surprisingly researchers have identified that secure attachment is correlated with cognitive openness – the ability to tolerate ambiguity and the freedom to integrate new information and perspectives. In my experience, as you feel seen and heard, your heart connects.

Anxiously attached people are often preoccupied by the threatening aspects of new information. Avoidantly attached people overemphasize self-reliance, and so habitually reject any new information that might demand a revision of their beliefs. Disorganized attached people tend to be confused about the response required to new information and might overreact. If you think about yourself or people you know, you’ll see this makes sense intuitively.  

Here are 4 ideas to help recognize when you are starting down a more rigid path, and how to shift it: 

1. Listen to the way you are speaking to yourself: As I mentioned above, I have learned to listen to my self-talk, especially when driving because my brain can be on automatic pilot so I can hear myself. Listen for ways that you are processing a situation for language that indicates that things will never change, or ultimatum language like “Do this or else.” Be careful having imaginary conversations with people in your head predicting what they will say, what you will say, etc. Add words to your thinking such as “on the other hand,” “it’s also possible that,” or “my options include…”  
2. You might be craving control because you are anxious: One of the reasons we slip into rigid thinking is because it gives us the illusion of control in a situation. If I can “predict” the outcome then I will not feel as hurt, disappointed, confused, etc. Unfortunately, this plan might lead to self-fulfilling prophecies where our behavior and mindset entering the situation might push it towards the outcome we least want! Keep in mind you will have the most options in response as well as influence if you manage your anxiety through breathing, walking, music, petting your cat, calling a friend…any other strategy than setting the outcome in stone.  
3. You may be struggling to trust that the relationship is solid. When we are truly secure in our view of self, we lose our need to “force” others to adopt a similar view to validate or approve of us. It is important for healing our early attachment challenges to experiment with trusting that other person to remain connected and fond of you in the face of differences or competing agendas. I encourage you to take small risks and be honest emotionally even when you “think” you know the outcome. It is extremely possible that the other person values you more than you believe they do. And if they don’t, you have the satisfaction of being right!  
4. Differences can be interesting rather than threatening. When we learn about other people over time, our differences become more evident, and the more flexible we are, the wider range of friends and colleagues we can have in our lives. Relationships become more intimate and have more depth when we can easily tolerate our differences and express curiosity rather than act threatened or pretend we don’t notice them. I encourage you to be curious about the thinking of others, which in this political atmosphere may be a little scary. So, practice with people you trust, and not your nuttiest, aggressive, conspiracy relative. 

I hope you will find these suggestions helpful as you begin to stretch your ability to remain open and curious in the face of relationship challenges. It takes time, and practice, but I promise it will get easier. Remember, as you feel seen and heard your heart connects. 

Mary Crocker Cook, Ph.D., D.Min., LMFT, LAADC is licensed therapist in San Jose, CA and developer of Attached Infused Addiction Treatment® and author of multiple books on attachment, addiction, and codependency. For more information visit www.marycrockercook.com