When Our Relationships Make Us Sick
3 Ways to Navigate Relationship Stress
As a therapist specializing in relationships and codependency, I have been struck by how frequently medical illness is part of the story of the person struggling in their relationships. In fact, this is so common that when I was writing about codependency in my text for my classes, I defined it as developmental, behavioral, and biological.
I would say the number one reason people seek help is relational because relationships are both the source and joy and pain for most of us. People in our world matter to us, and the impact is physical as well as emotional. Why is this?
Let’s say your immune system has to fight a viral or bacterial infection. Lots of white blood cells charge to the site of the infection. Those white blood cells secrete inflammatory cytokines to help destroy the infiltrating pathogens and repair damaged tissues. However, when those cytokines aren't well regulated, or become too great in number, rather than repair tissue they cause tissue damage.
Emotions create the same response.
When we experience stressful emotions -anger, fear, worry, rumination, grief – the HPA axis releases stress hormones, including cortisol and inflammatory cytokines, that promote inflammation. More subtle types of tissue damage can happen slowly, over time, in response to chronic stress.
The problem is, when you are facing a lot of chronic stress in your relationships, the stress response never shuts off- you’re caught, perpetually, in the first half of the stress cycle. There is no state of recovery. Instead, the stress response is always mildly on – pumping out a chronic low dose of inflammatory chemicals.
Inflammation translates into symptoms and disease. This is why there is a significant link between individuals who experience chronic stress and significantly higher levels of inflammation and disease. It is vital to our health to address our relationship stress.
- Be honest with yourself. It is my observation that very often people who are ill due to relationship stress are in denial that the relationship is the problem! We tend to be overachievers, highly responsible people who honestly believe we can handle everything and that if we do feel stress, it is situational. If we are going to heal, we have to be willing to say we are stressed and need to do something about it.
- Ask for help. Again, because we tend to be problem-solvers and super-competent, we assume we can read a self-help book or watch YouTube and manage the situation. If this were the case, you would have already done so. It might be time to reach outside of yourself for more guidance and support. You DO have limits, even if you try to not acknowledge them. It is not a weakness to seek information beyond yourself – it is actually a sign of wisdom.
- Be willing to follow suggestions. One of the signs of stress is cognitive rigidity, and we tend to reject input and information when we are overwhelmed. We think we know better, or the suggestions feel too threatening. Slow down, take a deep breath, and approach the guidance you receive as an experiment rather than a judgment about you.
When people address their emotional reality, they very often find their body follows suit, and as they begin to gain clarity, and feel more emotional regulation and stability, their blood pressure reduces, and medical illness becomes more manageable. I encourage you to give yourself this opportunity. Remember, as you feel seen and heard your heart connects.
Mary Crocker Cook, Ph.D., D.Min., LMFT, LAADC is a licensed therapist in San Jose, CA and developer of Attached Infused Addiction Treatment® and author of multiple books on attachment, addiction, and codependency. For more information visit www.marycrockercook.com
