How You Know that He’s the One: 5 Keys to a Perfect Choice

Choosing a life partner is perhaps the most important decision that you will ever make. Where you go to school, what job you choose, even where you settle down are all choices that are fairly easily changed and rarely have lasting impact. Who you choose as your life partner, especially if you have children, will impact your day-to-day happiness and long-term welfare to an unparalleled to degree. Choosing the right partner will enhance and energize your every aspect of your life.

In my experience, people often choose partners to meet either their self-esteem needs (i.e. attractiveness or prestige) or their security needs (i.e. dependability, financial stability or nurturing qualities). Some choose a partner who offers excitement and adventure but may not inspire feelings of trust and security over time. Others may choose a partner who is similar to the family they grew up in, sparking feelings of comfort and safety but not perhaps, vitality and enlivenment.

A Nod to the Unconscious: Some people choose a partner who represents what seems like an improved version of a difficult parent. This is often an unconscious attempt to change the parent that lives on in their mind and turn them into the person that they needed them to be.  Choosing a heavy drinker, for example, if your parent was an alcoholic, may represent a last attempt to fix your parent and get the love that eluded you in childhood. Unfortunately, this is usually results in a repetition of those old feelings of anger, hurt, and helplessness.

Here are five key criteria to choosing a partner who will offer you both excitement and emotional security for the long-haul:

1. Chemistry: You need to be attracted to your partner. Sexual chemistry can be the glue that holds a relationship together during times of conflict and stress. Feeling attractive and sexually desired is one area that is best not outsourced to other relationships in your life.

2. Integrity: Notice how your partner treats other in their world, including the waiter at the neighborhood diner and the cashier at the pharmacy. Look long and hard at their value system and make sure that aligns with yours. Trustworthiness is the cornerstone of integrity. If your potential life partner doesn’t come fully loaded in this department, run!

3. Emotional Connection: Your partner is ideally your built-in support system. Feeling loved, understood, and unconditionally accepted are key components of a deep emotional connection. This type of connection is the bread and butter of successful long-term relationships.

4. Compatibility: Make sure that your life plan and your partner’s align. You don’t have to go into the weeds to search for areas of disagreement, but do evaluate the big-ticket issues. For example, do you both want to have children? Compatibility in terms of how you handle money, level of sexual desire, leisure activities-all increase the likelihood that life together will not be riddled with conflict. Also, know your personal compatibility litmus test. For me, it was “must love dogs”.

5. Communication: Successful couples are not couples without conflicts. Successful couples are couples who have the ability to communicate with each other. They can express their love and appreciation and they can talk about their anger and their disappointment. Both rage and silent withdrawal are toxic to long-term relationships.

Choosing the right person to spend your life with needs to be a process that involves both the head and the heart. Loving your partner is necessary but often not sufficient for a successful long-term relationship. Don’t be afraid to take a long, honest look at where you both stand on these five criteria for a relationship that will go the distance.

Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders.  Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World”.  consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information, visit www.bethfeldmanphd.com.