When You Get to Choose: 5 Keys to Authentic Decision-Making
The ability to make authentic decisions is central to living a life that feels fulfilling and personally meaningful. Too often we base our decisions on the needs and expectations of family and friends. The more we do what we think we are “supposed to do”, the more we are saddled with feelings of resentment or worse, a quiet emptiness. Authentic decision-making is a life-enhancing skill which requires listening to your inner voice.
Decisions can feel like landmines. Some people barrel forward and make impulsive choices, and then plague themselves with feelings of doubt and regret. Others waffle endlessly, obsessing about the pros and cons of each choice but are unable to reach a decision. The truth is that choice equals loss. When you choose the blackened salmon, you give up having the teriyaki skirt steak-at least for today. When you choose the stable accountant, you give up the hot surfer.
A nod to the unconscious:
Decision-making can be a painful, anxiety-ridden process. This is often because we have different inner selves or versions of what feels like “me” at any given time and each is clamoring to have their say. Sometimes, you may feel like a little girl, eager to please and longing for approval. In another moment, you may feel like the empowered rebel, defying those who try to define you and blazing your own trail.
Some go so far as to say that it feels like they have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. This results in conflicting feelings or ambivalence, and is a normal part of almost every choice that we face. Our own ambivalence, as well as the expectations of others, combine to make authentic decision-making a complicated process.
When you are trying to make an authentic decision, you will need to tune into your inner voice. Here are 5 keys to authentic decision-making:
- Determine whether the decision in front of you is big decision or small decision: Ask yourself whether this decision will have a lasting impact on your life, like the choice of a partner, a job, or even which house to buy. Small decisions, such as where to go on vacation or what to wear on a date, can be made solely on the basis of what you feel like. Big decisions need to include your heart and your head, involving both what you think and how you feel.
- For smaller decisions, go with your gut: Give yourself an opportunity to fully imagine each choice. Tune into which of the options feels most appealing or feels most authentically like the true you. Tuning in to your desires can take some practice but the results are worth the trouble.
- For bigger decisions, notice what the different sides of yourself are whispering in your ear: Focus on your conflicting thoughts and feelings. Don’t reflexively shut down one side of yourself simply because the inner conflict makes you anxious. Give each voice a fair hearing, and notice your emotional preferences along the way. Once you know how your heart is voting, a pros and cons list is an excellent idea to identify any red flags and flesh out which choice makes the most sense from your head’s perspective. Authentic decision-making can feel like a balancing act and you will need all of the practical and emotional information clearly laid out.
- Preview in your mind what each choice would feel like: In fact, I recommend that you spend a full day assuming that you are choosing option A and see how you feel living with that choice. Then spend the following day living with the idea of option B and see how that feels.
- Focus on the gains: Any choice includes the loss of the path not taken. Once your decision is made, celebrate what you have selected and all that your choice offers you.
Authentic decision-making requires taking the time to think through and feel through your options and tune into your inner voice. It involves letting your own unique value system and personal idiosyncrasies inform both your head and your heart as you choose what will enhance and energize your life the most in the long run. When you decide, remember to celebrate the win and begin to enjoy what you have chosen.
Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders. Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World”. consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information, visit www.bethfeldmanphd.com.
