How To Stop Feeding Imposter Syndrome
Merriam-Webster describes ‘imposter syndrome’ as a condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one's abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one's ongoing success.
In addition, we begin to believe the lie of the syndrome instead of the proof of who we are, what we know, what we can do and what we have done. So, what is at the heart of imposter syndrome? I believe it is perfectionism.
Striving for perfection makes everything wrong that doesn’t measure up. But there’s a trap ahead. Nothing is perfect. Life itself is made up of the imperfect moments that become the fabric of the lives we lead and the memories we make.
Here are five things that feed your imposter syndrome:
1. Blurry Boundaries. If this first point is not challenged, it will leave room for misunderstandings, assumptions and vague communication. Let your yes be yes and no be no. What does that mean? Be clear in what you want, what you’re able to do and what you don’t want. The willingness to go with the flow is fine and, in some cases, admirable. However, overcommitting yourself or compromising your core values can cause internal discomfort for you that may be long lasting. Clear boundaries are not always received well. So keep in mind that although it may not be the thing people want to hear, you’ve taken the first step in being clear about your actions and expectations.
2. Burnout. It is one of those things that many think is unavoidable. In fact, in some seasons, it can feel like your constant companion. If we continue to treat self and soul care as optional instead of mandatory and we continue to push past the clues that our bodies are giving us to rest, then burnout will continue to be our portion. Normalize rest, normalize caring for you, normalize no longer pouring from an empty cup. Taking a day to do nothing is not frivolous or being lazy. It can be the appropriate response to invite calm into your spirit, mind and body.
3. Fear of Not Being Enough. “If only I was thinner, a more creative mom, richer, or taller (just me?), things would be better.” What’s really happening? We are missing out on the “better” that’s happening right now by assuming it needs a partner. For example, it can only be better with more money, or if I can fit into those size 8 jeans. Better is not supposed to be perfect. Better means celebrating all your wins; big and small and choosing to validate yourself. Better means enjoying all of the imperfect moments that make life what it is.
4. Rushing the Process. This is one of those things that’s often done just to keep things moving. It can include placing a band aid where a cast or brace is needed. It can also be used to push past uncomfortable feelings in an attempt to ignore them. “Stop crying!” “Why are you upset?” Not only do we ask others these triggering questions, but many times we are silently asking ourselves, also. Healing takes time, growth takes time. Show yourself love, some grace and compassion. And while you’re at it, extend it to others.
5. Emotions. When we hear the word clutter, we often think about cupboards, closets and pantries. However, there is an internal clutter that can make it difficult to receive and accept love, compliments or even rejection. These emotions can create a cloud or haze as we look out into the world and into our own lives. The habit of filtering new experiences through past hurts, let downs and disappointments can distort the present. What if we move in forgiveness (even in the absence of an apology)?
It is possible to release negative emotions, thoughts and rehearsed wrongs in a way that lightens our load and allows us to walk into our next (whatever that is), minus the baggage. The key here is changing the narrative through reframing the thought or feeling. We have the power to turn what might have been a negative experience into a positive life learning lesson.
The goal is to starve imposter syndrome so that we can properly feed and nurture our gifts, talents, confidence and fearlessness. Reframing how we think and communicate will impact how we show up. Here’s where we can begin to achieve lasting change in our home lives, family/friend relationships and the work that we do.
Deborah Porter is a sought-after, influential voice on parenting, motherhood, self and soul care. She is a champion for moms everywhere and works with mothers globally to guide them through the process of learning to be gracious with themselves without the need to compare their motherhood journey with anyone else’s. Deborah is a certified life coach and regular contributor on CBS Virginia This Morning. Her advice column, Balance Life with Coach Deborah in Washington Parent, helps parents navigate the chaos, find their balance and not lose themselves in the role of mom. For more information visit www.deborahporter.net. Deborah’s complimentary Confident Mom e-book and additional tips are available here.
