7 Questions to Ask Yourself for a Healthy New Dating Experience After the Grieving Process
It had been 12 years since that first day of my new undefined life. Without a hint of warning, at the age of 56 my 30-year marriage had ended. It was a rude awakening and something I’d not signed up for. The intact fabric of my once unified family of four was tattered and torn. My partner had been my best friend, lover, confident and father of my children. That was over now.
Day one of my “dance of grief” began. Those invisible 30 years of history, memories once cherished were disposed of. Tossed to the curb like refuse and I was now part of that compost pile, degrading slowly.
The flood of tears were my efforts to wash away that degradation of my decaying self esteem. Obsessing over examining my once happy life only prevented me from moving forward in any positive way. The marathon of grieving and the lethargy felt would not allow me to see through to that final lap. Would there ever be a finishing line?
All rationality and self mastery were temporarily lost. Armoring myself with shields of leftover integrity, I was not going to be destroyed by the weapons of others actions. I would not allow this one moment or event to define who I was.
The marital union dissolved. All those necessary steps of discovery of dissatisfaction from both parties led to stumbling along a new dance floor of life. For every misstep there was a chance to stand up and begin again. The dance of acceptance began.
Starting over after living a shared life, can be challenging, unnerving and certainly an affront to ones’ self esteem. Jumping into the singles scene as a middle aged man or woman can be daunting, intimidating but it can also be fun, enriching and an antidote to loneliness.
I was not eager to find a new partner in life but instead of hanging my head low I jumped into the deep end of the cyberspace dating pool. The new digital world can be a lot of work, because there is so much data to filter through. Sorting through “profiles” and making our own check lists of what is important in finding that “perfect mate” becomes a dance in itself.
What I came away with after my 12 years of searching for that perfect partner in this new digital driven age of dating, is that many are confused as to how to begin and what they were looking for in a relationship.
How to select appropriately, manage and maintain a relationship with success requires dating a lot. Many others enter dating again with preconceived notions about who they are looking for, never settling for just anyone. Most often, idealizing the process, entering with unrealistic expectations that the new person will fill the void in our personal lives. The emotional disappointments are many and become accepted after awhile.
This brings the question of how does online dating compare to the “real life” matching where normal vulnerabilities without expectation or intent may be more successful than the 2-minute elevator pitch at the ready. The technological environment becomes a bit artificial, where everyone is at their best behavior behind the confines of that screen of desires, be it our computers or iPads or iPhone.
Often times these relationships become easily detached, usually lacking substance, temporary and without permanence. Once again a society of being easily discarded if someone doesn't live up to the ideal of ones’ vision. Swipe and on to the next bevy of beauties or guys presented to us on our screens.
The numbers don’t lie. The many men I dated are mostly still single and continue to peruse these dating sites. I’m included in this number. I’ve asked myself why?
The questions and take-away’s are many, here are 7 questions to ask yourself around your beliefs and expectations:
- Are the traditional 1950s roles from our generation more successful long-term vs couples today that may have dual careers and aspirations?
- Overworked and driven to succeed, and simply do not have the time to invest in dating efforts? Selflessness has become more selfishness, finding it less desirable to compromise in a relationship.
- Do we compare what we once had, to what will be?
- What is the recipe for finding the right personality to fit our needs now as an older adult?
- Who do we like most at the core of a person? Ones internal values and not just the superficial and materialistic aspects of an individual may help in our selection.
- Do we consider stage of life and the importance of shared familiarity in times we grew up as an important factor in choosing someone? Identifying events, people, songs may be significant in creating a successful connection.
- Who do we want at the core of the person? Their internal values may be one deciding factor. With new relationships preexisting conditions will always be a factor in the joining of two new partners.
These and many more questions should be entertained when looking for love again.
Do not let the wounds of our past events define who we are today. Don’t hang on to past failures, pain and anger allowing those events to change how we view our new connections. Rediscover who you are independent of someone else first.
Break down those walls of apprehension. Be open to new potential connections on different levels. Do not idealize the person you feel needs to meet all your requirements as a partner. There is no perfection. Do not have unrealistic expectations of the other, however be selective when thinking long term if that is what you are looking for.
Do not move forward too fast. Finish your grieving process before venturing into the unknown territory of “new love.” The rebound relationship is always ideal in the beginning as the flood of dopamine hormones rush through our brains not allowing for rational thought. This not ideal in the long-term.
Understand we are never going to be completely whole, healthy individuals with no emotional wounds, nor meet others who do not have their own wounds from their pasts. Be willing to compromise, communicate with confidence allowing for that level of commitment that we may be searching for.
The confidence we bring to our future relationships outweighs the potential downfall of choosing a partner who may be an improper fit. If we approached relationships as if we were shopping for a good pair of shoes maybe we’d be more successful. The size, the fit, the look, the ease of slipping into every day.
The ability to withstand the elements over the years of wear. All crucial elements in the formula for comfort, sustainability, compatibility and love. To learn more about Ann Reichardt and her work with finding love after divorce, visit https://annreichardt.com or find her books here.
