Love Is An Inside Job First

When one of my friends turned 50 and was still single (after a few bad relationships and divorce) she said "That’s it. I am destined to be single for the rest of my life, so I better start loving myself. I’m all I got."

Getting close to that age, and single myself, was I destined to be single for the rest of my life? I reacted very intensely to her, in saying “No, don’t you dare give up, there is someone out there for you and all of us.” But was that intense reaction my own fear of thinking I too would be alone?  When recalling what she said I knew the answer was right there. I better start loving myself!

Here are 3 ways to honestly start loving yourself:

1. Know who you are and own who you are; the good, the bad, and the ugly! Own your life with gusto, people know when you are faking it. When we feel insecure we tend to put on a front that is not really us. Imagine it creates an invisible shield that prevents us from connecting. Yes, we want to make a good impression, but a false impression is worse.

Ask yourself,

  • Do you believe you deserve to find a compatible relationship that could evolve into love?
  • Do you believe that you are the only person that feels insecure in the dating world?
  • Do you trust yourself to make good decisions in life overall?
  • Convert your fear and anxiety into compassion and imagine that the person you may be connecting with or meeting for the first time is as nervous as you are - own that vulnerability.

2. Look at your hardships as a gift, be open to experience life and love with more vulnerability and authenticity. We know the statistics of divorce rate is around 50%, but emotionally we may feel like we failed the marriage or that we failed in choosing the right partner, which sets us up for scrutiny with any new partners. If you feel that way and you bring the baggage of your last “failure” into the next relationship, your odds are not good. Your hardship that you have faced should become your internal guide. It’s easier to answer the question of what we don’t want than what we do want. Instead of knowing what you don’t want in another person, get clear on knowing who you are and what makes you happy and what you want in another person. Focusing on the bad or the past will only bring more of that, focus on you and what you can offer in a relationship that will make you happy.

Ask yourself

  • What do I want in another person?
  • What gifts do I have to contribute to this relationship?

3. Discover how that gift of hardship may serve others and share yourself with all your heart, not holding back, being bitter or playing the victim. Be truly open to feel and experience love. As humans, we naturally judge - we can’t help ourselves - but be aware long enough to hear your judgment and transfer that into compassion for another. You never know another person's situation until you have walked in their shoes. Share yourself fully with compassion, not judgment, and if someone does not find that refreshing… move on.

It starts with you… Love is an inside job before it can become an arrow of hope to attract the perfect mate. To learn more about Bonnie's work you can visit and

4/13/2018 7:00:00 AM
Bonnie Bonadeo
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Bonnie Bonadeo is a Coach, Author, Speaker and Radio Host. A twice divorced mother with a son in college Bonnie is in a beautiful and healthy relationship with herself and recently got engaged to a beautiful and loving man. They share a long-distance relationship from Phoenix to Atlanta for now! Are you ready for an amaz...
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