The Long Distance Balancing Act

Typically, in a long-distance relationship, 80% of women are the pursuer and 80% of men are the distancer. While they are in love, they see each other infrequently. This is fine for the distancer, but not so for the pursuer. In long distance relationships, distancers promise the moon, but deliver little. This is why the couple rarely sees each other and the phone, email, and text become a large part of the problem.

Technology works as a substitute for one on one closeness and the face to face interactions that the distance needs to avoid. Therefore, as a pursuer, you need to take away the electronic comfort zone. You must initiate the trips together--either meet halfway or go all the way there. Who cares who makes the first move? Whoever is the “guardian of connection” connects the two and keeps the love light burning.

Electronic communication is the distancer’s preferred connection and it keeps him (or her) at bay. This enables his selfishness as he feels no discomfort and can continue the behavior. The pursuer feels unhappy because of the distancer’s actions (and inaction) and it leads her to criticize, which leaves the distancer feeling suffocated and only further pushes him away. This causes a rupture and a disconnection.

The only way the distancer will move forward is if the pursuer pulls back without reactivity or anger (“reactive distance”). The pursuer is left feeling frozen, left alone and abandoned. The pursuer needs to give plenty of space and room for the distancer to fill the vacuum and come back to her. But, it’s a delicate balance between staying connected and giving him plenty of space. She needs to stay connected to the distancer as deep down he has an abandonment wound and will find another pursuer if he feels lonely.

Here are some tips on keeping a distancer-pursuer relationship alive:

Help him disconnect at the same time as giving connection. Reconnect to the distancer without anger, blame, or guilt.

Send videos or photos of yourself and your romantic times together. Do little things that make him think of you like sending cookies or pizza from afar.

Hang up first and keep your phone calls short. This way he gets to miss you and doesn’t see you as being needy.

Stop talking the relationship to death. It kills the relationship and is a romance wrecker. It does not allow the reason that you fell in love to shine through.

Don’t keep score about how many times you go to visit him or initiate. The goal is for you to be together so you can connect regardless of who does what first.

Keep your conversations light. Don’t talk about relationship problems and other heavy issues when you speak or he will stop looking forward to your phone calls.

Help him with the delicate balance of missing you. Keep in mind his fear of dependency. He needs you, but he fights it at the same time. He may be reticent or scared to fully commit. If he says I love you, but I’m afraid, thank him for sharing that with you, but do not answer with overwhelming loving words to him which could scare him.

Lower your expectations for the distancer, so that he can miss you and fill the void. Your optimism and acceptance and belief in the distancer even when he’s distancing helps him make the shift to connection

Don’t use guilt with the distancer. They are worried about committing to you because they are afraid they will hurt or disappoint you. He might mistake that for feeling out of love, so guilt will only push him to leave.

These tips and others can be found in Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples. http://www.DoctorBonnie.com