3 Ways to Improve Any Kind of Relationship

When was the last time you truly listened to your partner? Where in day-to-day conversations you let them talk without interruption. And what about in more heated situations? Where you didn’t jump to an excuse or a snide remark or try to fix a situation but you simply let your partner speak? No matter the words, no matter the emotions bubbling up inside, no matter the want and desire to stand up and defend yourself or attack back or walk away, you just sat there and truly tried to understand? When was the last time you listened without judging or evaluating? Without simply waiting for a pause so you could then speak?

Most of us don’t really think about how we’re interacting while we’re actually interacting – we think on it after the fact. But what could your relationships look like if you came to each conversation with the intention to listen? Not to take things personally or make assumptions or to prove the other wrong, but to see the other person as someone who needs to express themselves – who may be experiencing pain or suffering in some way or is overjoyed and celebratory and wants to share?

Mindful listening means paying attention to what we’re hearing from others without judgment.

While it’s important for us to be mindful of how we listen to our partners during more difficult conversations and when they are expressing joy – it’s also just as important for us to lend our ears during the day-to-day conversations.

Choosing to listen without judgment and evaluation helps us appreciate the moment we’re in, see our partner with kind eyes, and lets us focus on one thing at a time. All of which brings more calm, clarity, and consciousness into relationships.

Appreciate the Moment

You’re out to dinner with your partner. And neither of you are talking. Your mind starts churning out thoughts like, "We have nothing left to talk about, maybe we’ve lost our spark, why isn’t he engaging me in conversation?" Then you get angry. And no matter what happens next you’re so riled up that if he starts talking you’re bound to ignore, be frustrated, or get passive aggressive.

Instead of evaluating the silence, remind yourself of your intention to listen without judgment. If you listen and drop what you’re adding to the situation all that’s left is silence. It’s not good or bad – it simply is.

This then gives you the opportunity to engage with the moment differently, to look at silence as an opening to appreciate the moment you’re in with your partner. To see him or her as someone to care for, respect, and love. To remember the love that’s there.

See with Kind Eyes

Your partner asks if you wouldn’t mind washing the dishes after dinner. You agree. After you’re finished eating your partner says, "Do you mind doing the dishes?"

You feel the heat rising in your body; you want to say, "I get it, I know, I already said I would" and wondering if he or she thinks you’re not getting it, maybe that you’re stupid, or something else. You notice you want to jump in and interrupt and defend and attack, then you remember your intention is to listen without evaluating or judging.

You observe what’s going on, wanting to add your assumptions and opinions to the direct experience, and note that all that’s really happened is your partner has asked if you mind doing the dishes a second time. Your partner is not questioning your word, they are not trying to say you aren’t reliable; they are simply reminding you and there’s nothing else to it. Because of your intention to listen to the direct experience you say "yes" and move on from what could have been a tense situation.

Listen to One Thing at a Time

It’s pretty common these days for people to be watching television, looking at their phones, and also in conversation with the person next to them on the couch. If anyone thought that multi-tasking was relegated only to to-dos lists, that's a thing of the past - it’s now showing up in most of our interactions and downtime. When our attention is divided it means we truly aren’t listening to anything. And when someone tries to get our attention, agitation and frustration sets in and we’re quick to snap.

If, however, our intention is to listen without judgment then the moment our partner speaks to us, we’d put down the phone and look up at them. If our intention is to listen, we look away from the TV, pause it, put it on silent and look over to our partner. If our intention is to listen then we must choose what we listen to.  And by choosing to listen to one person or thing at a time we cultivate quality in our relationships and life.