No More “Shame on You:” 3 Ways to Correct Behavior Without Humiliation

Shaming and criticism have been part of parenting and “discipline” for generations, but when you stop to think about it, few people feel inspired, motivated, or open to new learning when they’re humiliated, discouraged, or embarrassed.

When I was a kid, many, many moons ago, “shame on you!” was a pretty normal thing to hear. Many parents, including my own, used guilt and shame to shape behavior, letting a child know that she was a big disappointment to the people she most wanted to please.

I used to wish I could disappear when I messed up, and I sometimes wonder what I actually decided in those moments. How might my behavior might have been different if my parents had a few more positive tools in their parenting toolbox?

As it turns out, the research on shame is pretty clear. Shame is never positive and does not motivate kids to learn, develop new skills, or to be resilient and willing to try again. Criticism, even when it’s intended to be “constructive,” isn’t helpful, either. So, what is shame, exactly?

Shame happens when one person—let’s say it’s a parent—makes another person—perhaps a child—feel bad not about something she did, but about who she is. Shame isn’t about behavior, shame is about who you are as a person. It cuts at the heart of self-worth and connection, and creates pain rather than learning. As one of my Positive Discipline colleagues says, shame tells you that you didn’t just make a mistake, you are a mistake.

Effective discipline involves teaching, not punishment. Most parents have figured out that punishment, hurting kids in the name of teaching them something, may get you a short-term change in behavior but doesn’t teach anything valuable for the long term. But shame is subtler than spanking. And many parents find shame hard to avoid because they grew up with it themselves. So it must work, right?

Actually, no—it doesn’t. Shame and criticism are discouraging—and discouraged children are the ones who misbehave. Remember, the primary human need is for a sense of belonging and significance—what we call “connection” in Positive Discipline. Shaming someone breaks that connection, and more important, breaks trust. How can your child trust in you and do what you ask when your words make him feel small and worthless? You may have grown up with shame yourself, but trust me on this one: It isn’t helpful.

So what can parents do instead?

Find the balance between kindness and firmness. Good parenting is not wishy-washy or permissive; kids need limits, guidance, and firm follow-through. But they need these limits in the context of respect, safety, and dignity. It is possible to tell a child, “I love you—and what you just did isn’t okay.” You can teach a child better behavior without making him feel worse about who he is.

Look for solutions to problems with your child. If he’s made a mistake or broken a family rule, telling him how bad he is doesn’t actually give him the information he needs to do better next time. Instead of telling your child what not to do, give him information about how to resolve the issue. Teach concrete skills. Consider asking, “What ideas do you have for solving this problem next time?”

Let your child know you have faith in him. Children can amaze you with their ability to clean up a mess and to learn from mistakes—when they feel accepted and loved. Look into the future; make a mental note of the strengths and abilities your child already has. Then let your child know you believe he can solve his problems, and you’re happy to help. After all, isn’t that what you’d want someone to do for you?

Most adults resent being criticized, humiliated, or shamed. If shame and criticism don’t work well for you, why would you think they work for your child? Teach skills, listen well. Ask for help. And get rid of shame.