How to Argue with Your Spouse Without Solving Anything

Arguments among dating and married couples have gotten a bad name. Sure, they cause anger, frustration, tears, breakups, and divorces, but apart from that, who doesn't enjoy a good yell at their partner from time to time? If you're looking to have a totally irritating and unproductive argument, here are some tips I recommend:

1. Strike while the iron is hot.

If your significant other does something that really infuriates you, you should address it right away. This guarantees that your emotions are on their highest setting and it makes it much easier to fly off the handle. Once you wait to discuss it, you're no longer in a furious rage or even in a snippy mood, so it will be harder to raise your voice or employ piercing sarcasm to hurt your partner. In fact, you may not even want to hurt your partner later on, so better make sure to tackle the problem as soon as possible so as to ensure a good fight with no possibility of resolution.

2. Call your partner names.

Nothing will get your loved one's hackles up like launching a string of nasty epithets at them. Good choices include offensive childhood nicknames, vulgarities, and anything you know they particularly dislike. A really sneaky option is to tell them they're acting like their mom or dad – nobody likes that one, unless their father is the Pope, in which case there's probably a lot of explaining to do anyway. Calling your partner names is juvenile, provocative, and hurtful – a guaranteed method of getting into a brutal argument.

3. Bring up every wrong thing they have ever done.

When you have a beef with your significant other, don't just stick to the issue at hand; that is likely to lead to a resolution of the problem, which is a real quarrel-killer. Instead, while confronting them (angrily, of course), dredge up every past injustice they have committed against you. Since there is no way they can answer at one time every complaint you have ever had --they probably didn't even know about some of them! – you will keep them constantly trying to defend themselves without ever being able to address the problem that started the argument in the first place.

4. The best defense is a good offense.

Related to the previous point, if your partner is the one with a complaint against you, don't feel you have to be on the defensive; instead, turn things around by complaining even louder and more bitterly about something they have done wrong (real or invented). This keeps them on their toes, trying to turn things back against you, while you keep shifting blame back towards them. This provides for a great back-and-forth in which a lot of emotions come out but hardly any solutions.

5. Go passive-aggressive.

This is where you make snarky or sarcastic remarks, possibly under your breath (but loud enough to be heard), then vehemently deny any ill intent. If you play your cards right, you can methodically build up frustration in your partner until they blow their top, without ever being able to pin a thing on you. Offer backhanded compliments (“Finally, a dress that doesn't make you look fat!") and reject any suggestions that you're being mean; in fact, if you criticize your significant other for mistrust and hypersensitivity (see tip #4), you can score a double-whammy.

There are plenty of other ways you can initiate, prolong, and rehash unproductive and hurtful arguments. These are just a few of my favorites which I wholeheartedly recommend if you're looking for conflict, misery, and ultimately broken relationships. If by chance these are not the results you're aiming for, you may want to disregard the above recommendations. In fact, you may even want to do just the opposite.