Save Your Relationship Before It’s Too Late

Many years ago I had a conversation with my wife that could have ended our marriage. And I have seen many couples engaged in the exact same cycle of relationship destruction.

Here's what happened:

My wife said something to me and I responded back. She accused me of having a “tone." Who, me?

So now I am defending my “no tone."

She now says something back with a “tone" in her voice. So I escalate with more of the same. She reacts raising her voice, and now I respond raising my voice even more. She raises her voice and says something not so pleasant to me.

Sound familiar?

So I raise my voice further and say something not so nice to her. Now we are in a real heated argument. About what… I have no idea.

This conversation is approaching the threshold of relationship destruction. And fortunately I realize it.

What typically happens at this level is that someone says something they wish they didn't say, and the other person says something that can never be forgotten nor forgiven. The words and emotional escalation are devastating to trust and respect in the relationship. As you might imagine escalation can also lead to physical violence.

When escalation occurs regularly, the connection can be severed so completely that it cannot be repaired without significant outside help. When trust and respect have been thrown away, intimacy follows them out of the building and the relationship begins to die.

Here's how to escape the escalation: (continue reading)

11/11/2014 10:00:00 PM
Jeff  Forte
Written by
Jeff Forte CSIC, CME author of The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle and founder of PEAK Results Coaching is an Executive and Peak Performance Coach specializing in team and relationship dynamics. His clients include Fortune 500 Executives, Business Professionals, Attorneys, Surgeons, Professional Athletes, Teams and Couples. F...
View Full Profile Website: http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/

Comments
Conversations can be tough, especially with the daily stress of job, kids, parents, household and cars breaking down and other expectations, but the main thing is to take a breath and give yourself a second to re-center and remember why you love this person. After 41 years and 4 children, I don't know how my husband still is hanging in there with me.....he does a lot of deep breathing!
Posted by Mom of 4
... my darling wife - early in the relationship - made it clear I had "choices" to make - was it more important to be "right" - or happy - and I'm at the age that I don't give a darn about being right any more - and we're very happy !
Posted by Rus
After 56 years in a loving relationship and 51 years in marriage I have learned the two most important words in a marriage are "Yes dear." All kidding aside, the only advice I can give is never attack the person in response to a disagreement. Stick to the issue and THINK before responding. Be open to another viewpoint before dismissing it. Time is your friend; you can always think about an issue before responding. It helps to have a spouse who knows you better than you do.
Posted by Jack Bynes
I'm on my 9th year of marriage. It takes a while to learn to just let things roll of your back and not sweat the small stuff. My wife is a lot better than me at this. Luckily she has taught me and now when things get "heated" we end up laughing thinking, "Why are we arguing again". Gotta learn to not sweat the small stuff.
Posted by EM
Totally get this situation here... So many arguments that could've been adverted in the past. Always keep calm and remember whats most important for sure...
Posted by snolan760
Wow this must be pretty typical? I can relate. Thanks for the article
Posted by Jolene
This was recently a potential situation arising after just 3 months into our relationship. I had to stop in the midst of the argument to allow my eyes to well up, and that immediately caught his attention, which in turn softened both our tones, and it hasn't happened since!
Posted by TJ
Thanks for the article and the reminder!
Posted by John Valenty

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