Wellness Posts by JerryWeichman

Testing the Waters

2013-04-05T07:00:00Z

Wellness.com - Testing the Waters by JerryWeichman

Tweens love to try new things, including dangerous, addictive drugs. Would you be able to tell if your kids were sampling drugs - and how would you respond if they were?

I'd like to be able to tell you that teens don't use drugs. Unfortunately, that's not true. I wish I could assure you that tween - kids ages 9 to 12 - wouldn't think of using drugs. But I'd be lying.

In my practice, I see tweens every day who are experimenting with alcohol and drugs, always without their parents' knowledge. It's not uncommon for tweens to first try in drugs in middle school. Even if they don't become hard-core users, just this short exposure can have dire consequences for the rest of your child's life.

Drug and alcohol exposure is especially dangerous during the growth years because it primes the brain for addiction. Scientific research has shown that the earlier a person is exposed to drugs or alcohol, the greater the likelihood he has of becoming dependent on these substances.

-Getting Started - Tweens often begin experimenting with drugs by drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana. They may seek a high from non-prescription cough suppressants such as Robitussin or the decongestants like Coricidin. Others use prescription drugs such as OxyContin, Xanax, Vicodin and Ritalin or other drugs that treat attention-deficit disorders. I've seen kids using heroin too; they think smoking it is safer than injecting it.

I'm also noting more tweens and teens experimenting with ecstasy. This stimulant and hallucinogenic was once the drug of choice for 'ravers' but its popularity has spread. Some studies have shown that ecstasy use can lead to a lifetime of increased depression and anxiety, plus immediate side effects that include confusion and disorientation. I routinely see young people in my practice who have been sexually assaulted or committed sexual acts they regret while high on ecstasy, which profoundly impairs judgment.

-"Spice" And Salvia: -And there are scores more drugs that you probably don't know about - but your children might. Synthetic marijuana, often called "spice," offers the same mind-altering qualities as pot and is largely undetectable by most drug tests. So is salvia, the hallucinogenic drug that "Hannah Montana" star Miley Cyrus was filmed smoking on her 18th birthday. Salvia is legal in California, but that doesn't mean it's safe.

Considering how much drug education our society and we as parents provide, why are tweens using drugs? Some may have older siblings who use drugs. Others are trying desperately to persuade themselves and others that they are mature and "cool." For those struggling socially, becoming a 'partier' quickly gives them acceptance. Others are self-medicating for depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. Meanwhile, the Internet and texting have increased teens' ability to connect to ideas and one another. Hearing their classmates talk casually at lunch about weekend drug use or seeing party pictures on Facebook has desensitized adolescents to the idea that drug use is dangerous and illegal. Instead, they feel that it's no big deal because everyone is doing it.

-Protecting Your Kids - In my practice, I see many caring, educated and involved parents who are stunned and heartbroken to learn that their tween has been using alcohol and drugs. They did not know their children were experimenting, testing, abusing and ingesting these mind-altering substances.

You can help to protect your children from the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse. Here are a few suggestions: - Use a drug tester and breathalyzer to test your teens periodically. That alone may give them second thoughts about sampling illegal fare at parties. And they can use it as a convenient excuse to say no to friends who urge them to try dangerous substances. Take a zero-tolerance stance. Kids have a tough time with the idea of moderation, so make it easy for them: Give them a clear red light. No drugs. Ever. Don't share your experiences with substance use or abuse until your children are older. If they see that you experimented but turned out OK, they'll consider the consequences to be minimal. And they'll think you're a hypocrite for applying a different standard to them than you did to yourself. Monitor cell phone and Internet use. If they're interested in experimenting with drugs or alcohol, they'll discuss it with peers. On my website, -drjerryweichman.com- you can find a comprehensive list of alternate terms and lingo that kids use for drugs. Have clear consequences if they violate your rules. Yelling or lecturing does nothing. Consequences have a lasting impact. Keep them busy. The more structure and fulfilling activities that tweens have in their lives, the less time they have to get into trouble.

Jerry Weichman, Ph.D. is an expert on teen and preteen issues and has a clinical psychology practice based at the Hoag Neurosciences Institute in Newport Beach. He is the author of the teen self-help book 'How To Deal' and a popular speaker about parenting, bullying, and adolescent coping skills. As a result of overcoming a childhood lower leg amputation and becoming a Division I college football player, Dr. Jerry has a unique perspective on coping with - and surmounting - the challenges of adolescence. Follow him on Twitter @drjerryweichman.

Sources:
-http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/spice-synthetic-marijuana-
-http://www.abovetheinfluence.com/facts/drugsecstasy-
-http://www.drugs.com/ecstasy.html

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship With Your Teen

2012-07-19T12:58:06Z

Wellness.com - Maintaining a Healthy Relationship With Your Teen by JerryWeichman

It's not easy to be the parent of a teen...forgiving them for a mistake can be harder than it seems.

Just when you think you've seen it all, your kid goes and screws up in a way you never even imagined possible. Even though you expected the teenage years to be difficult, you just never imagined...this.

While it is completely normal for a teen to make a mistake or two (or many) along the way, I experience more and more parents who are struggling to let go of their teen's slip-ups, whether big or small. As a result, the parent-teen relationship develops into an unhealthy cycle of pain, distrust, and resentment from both sides.

Hanging on to old mistakes, rehashing past issues over and over again with your teen, and taking your teen's behavior as a personal affront can make for a bitter few years to say the least.

Are you finding it difficult to forgive your teen for their mistakes? Here are five tips to help you navigate your path back to a harmonious and healthy parent-teen relationship:

See your teen for who they are, not just who they appear to be. Volumes of research show that the teenage brain is not just a mini-adult brain. Brain development continues well into the 20's and the last part of the brain to develop is the frontal lobe, responsible for logic, impulse control, and rationale. So often, I hear from teens in my office whom are coping with the ramifications of a poor choice they made. Typically these kids know that they should not have made the choice but they just could not help themselves in the moment. This isn't to say that teens should be let off the hook for making bad decisions. However, understanding that the teen brain is not fully developed in the areas that control reasoning may help parents not to take their teen's mistake so personally.

Issue the punishment and move on. When you're fuming about your teen's screw-up it may seem hard to keep a calm head. I often teach the parents I work with my "issue the ticket" technique of discipline. When you are pulled over by a police officer, they usually stay calm, there is little lecturing, and the officer does not take your infraction personally. An officer simply issues you the ticket and moves on. As a parent of a teen you need to try to practice "policing" your teen the same way. Stop engaging in heated discussions and debates over your teen's mistake. Just stay calm, issue the punishment, and move on.

Maintain regular "parent" dates with your kids. The life of both parent and teen is busy and schedules are tight. Regardless, it is an absolute must that you fight for regular time with your teen, even if you don't seem to get along most of the time. Schedule the date and keep it. Sharing a meal or even going for a walk together might seem strained at first, especially because all cell phones should be ignored during your dates. However, you will find that it is during these uninterrupted times that your teen will eventually open up to you and discuss what is really on their mind, especially them to control the dialogue. Don't pepper them with questions. Just sit back and listen. In the end, the critical message your teen receives from you via these dates is that they are a priority and spending time together matters to you.

Find something (anything!) to be positive about and share it with your teen. Teens often complain to me that they only hear what they are doing wrong and what they need to do better. Over time, this dynamic causes a teen to view all interactions with their parents as critical. Spend 15 minutes writing down what you admire or appreciate about them. Take at least one off the list every week and share it with your teen. Hearing about what is good, what is positive, and what strengths they have puts wind into a teen's sails and boosts their self- esteem and confidence. Even if they seem to brush it off, trust me when I say that it matters to them more than you realize.

Remember the big picture. The right decision and the popular decision are rarely the same. Often times you will have to issue a punishment that is difficult. Don't forget that parents who do their job well are focused on raising independent, successful adults. This often means that a parent has to give up what is easy in the short-term for what will best benefit their kid in the long-term. Being a parent of a teen is often a thankless job. Do not forget that you are planting seeds and in time, they will sprout. There will be a time in your life where your child comes back around and thanks you for what that you have taught them. Keep your eye on the prize.

Jerry Weichman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist focused solely on teen and preteen issues. Based out of his private practice at Hoag Hospital's Neurosciences Institute in Newport Beach, Dr. Jerry is also an author of a teen self-help book, "How to Deal," and a noted public speaker on teen-related topics including parenting, bullying, and adolescent coping skills. Overcoming a lower leg amputation as a child to eventually become a Division I college football player provided Dr. Jerry with unique perspective on coping with-and overcoming-difficulties during the adolescence. Keep up with his tips for teens (and parents of teens) at twitter.com/drjerryweichman or via his home page, www.drjerryweichman.com

Coping with Bullies Who Text; When SMSing Becomes "Textual Harassment"

2012-05-17T12:59:12Z

Wellness.com - Coping with Bullies Who Text; When SMSing Becomes "Textual Harassment" by JerryWeichman

By now we know that online bullying can leave a trail of destruction in its wake. It occurs fast and can have long-lasting repercussions. But what about a bully who doesn't just try to tear you down by posting on your Facebook wall or anonymously on Formspring but who also attacks you directly via your cell phone?

When friends have a falling out, former besties can turn into bullies. Many times those who feel the most comfortable with their victim, such as ex-friends or boyfriends and girlfriends, turn to text bullying to hurt, embarrass, and intimidate their target. This sort of "textual harassment" is more common than most adults realize and happens on a regular basis.

Most often text bullying is in the form of name calling or threats. However, textual harassment can also be defined as the repeat sending mean, embarrassing, untrue, or hurtful message to or about someone and also includes sexting, or sending sexually suggestive texts.

By hanging onto a text message that is disparaging about another individual or a suggestive photo sent via text, it is typical for a bully commit what amounts to "textual blackmail." The bully uses the old text as ammunition to discourage a victim from reporting their bullying or to entice the victim to provide them favors.

Text bullying is especially harsh because it is direct message to the victim that can be received any time and any place. While a victim can attempt to evade an online cyberbully by shutting down their computer, it is not often that tweens and teens are without their cell phones. Victims feel like they cannot escape the text attacks.

And unlike cyber-bullying, many parents do not even consider to ask their teen about whether or not someone may be harassing them via their cell phone. As a result, the victim of a text bully often ends up feeling isolated, violated, and fearful.

While most victims of text harassment know the identity of their bully, it is not always the case. Some text bullies will send messages from a friend's cell phone or ask people to forward a bullying text to the victim. Even worse, many pay-as-you-go phones do not require proof of identity to purchase them and keep no record of the owner. Text messages sent made from these types of cell phones are basically untraceable. Text bullies use these phones to harass their victim, making it seem like "everyone hates you" while still avoiding identification.

Are you dealing with a text bully or know someone who is? Here are four tips for coping with "textual harassment":

Do not respond. It doesn't matter whether your response is an attack back or if you are trying to clarify or question something. Responding in any way simply serves to escalate the conflict. By replying to a harassing text message, you are telling your bully that you will reply to their behavior and they will continue to attack via text message.

Do not delete. If you can, forward the text messages to a place where you can print them or at the least, keep a record of the harassing texts you receive, including date, time, and the number they were sent from. You will need a record of the messages, and ideally the texts themselves, in order to make a report and end the harassment.

Do not keep it to yourself. While it may feel embarrassing or scary to show parents or another trusted adult the text messages you are receiving, it is critical that you reach out for help and support. Whether you decide to report the harassment to your cell phone provider, change your phone number, or file a formal complaint either through the school or law enforcement against your bully, an adult can help you navigate the process. Finally, if the texts are physically threatening in any way, it is key that you share them with police sooner than later.

Do not ever text revealing photos of yourself to anyone, even people you trust. When friendships or relationships end, these images can be passed around or posted online with negative (and even legal) consequences.

Jerry Weichman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist focused solely on teen and preteen issues. Based out of his private practice at Hoag Hospital's Neurosciences Institute in Newport Beach, Dr. Jerry is also an author of a teen self-help book, "How to Deal," and a noted public speaker on teen-related topics including parenting, bullying, and adolescent coping skills. Overcoming a lower leg amputation as a child to eventually become a Division I college football player provided Dr. Jerry with unique perspective on coping with-and overcoming-difficulties during the adolescence. Keep up with his tips for teens (and parents of teens) at twitter.com/drjerryweichman or via his home page, www.drjerryweichman.com

Be the Anti-Bully: There's No Such Thing as an Innocent Bystander

2012-01-13T11:15:03Z

Wellness.com - Be the Anti-Bully: There's No Such Thing as an Innocent Bystander by JerryWeichman

In case you haven't heard, bullying is a hot topic this school year. It is likely you have already sat through a bullying awareness assembly at school, seen your favorite celeb blog about standing up to bullies, or have read about another tragic teen suicide triggered in part by bullying. And if you haven't been a victim of a bully, I'd be willing to bet you have witnessed some of this drama firsthand.

"So what?" you're probably saying. "It's not like anyone is actually pro-bully."

The thing is that it's not enough just to know the signs of bullying or how to report to your parents or school administrators that you're being bullied. As

To be a person of character, to make a difference, to save a life...you have to learn how to be an anti-bully.

When it comes to addressing and ending bullying, it is not just about dealing with the bully and his/her victim. There is a third person involved who makes the biggest difference of all. The bystander.

The bystander sees it all. You know what I mean. The bystander witnesses eye rolls, the name calling, the Facebook wall posts and likes, the Formspring messages, and even the more aggressive bullying techniques like physical violence. But often times the bystander does nothing. After all, were we not taught to mind our own business? Don't we have our own problems to deal with?

Here is the deal. The bystander is all of us at one point or another. We have all seen people being treated unjust or victims of mean-girl drama or guy bullying. By not taking a stand for what is right, the bystander becomes a contributor of sorts.

When it comes to bullying, the bystander is not innocent. In fact, anti-bullying bystanders who adopt a "cruel's not cool" mentality can make the biggest impact of all. Think about it. If a bully is shamed by his peers for the names he calls his victim at school or if she is chastised for the false rumors she spreads on Facebook about her victim, why would they continue to behave this way? Removing any social stock that a bully feels they obtain via bullying can go a long way to neutralizing this behavior.

Bystanders stay quiet for a variety of reasons but the ones I hear most often have to do with fear of being ostracized themselves or retaliation from a bully. The good news is that all of this bullying awareness has caused parents, school administrators, and even the police to start taking bullying much more seriously. Some might even argue that there is liability for authority figures who don't take bullying reports more seriously.

So if you see something, say something. It will be ok. As the bystander, you have the power to step in, stand up for what's right, and maybe even save a life.

Here are five tips about safely reporting what you see:

Recognize that bullying is not just a schoolyard fight. Social drama, mean girl behavior, and spreading false rumors or name calling online is also considered bullying.

Report incidences of cyber-bullying, which most parents and administrators don't see. You can print out pages, remove identifying info if you want, to prove what you are seeing.

Go to the top. While you may have a teacher you feel more comfortable with, most principals and assistant principals have been trained to take bullying reports very seriously.

Don't rest. If you witness repeated bullying, say something again or report it to someone else if nothing has been done to stop it.

Don't let other people define who you are. You may feel pressured to stay quiet or mind your own business but if you want to be a person of integrity, you will stand up for what is right. Period.

Jerry Weichman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist focused solely on teen and preteen issues. Dr. Jerry is in private practice at Hoag Hospital's Neurosciences Institute in Newport Beach. Dr. Jerry is also the author of the teen self-help book, "How to Deal," and is a noted public speaker on teen-related topics including parenting, bullying, and adolescent coping skills. To receive tips for teens and parents, register your email at www.drjerryweichman.com.