Wellness Posts by Lisa

Help Your Loved One Through Alcohol Treatment to Give Them Their Best Chance at Recovery

support@wellness.com — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 21:45:38 Z

Wellness.com - Help Your Loved One Through Alcohol Treatment to Give Them Their Best Chance at Recovery by Lisa

Having a loved one that is ready to address the problem of alcohol dependence has its set of challenges for the family faced with a life-threatening disease. This can range in problems with convincing them to go to treatment, to how to help them when they are in rehab. To help assist families of alcoholics that have made a commitment to enter a recovery program, follow this expert advice to make it less stressful and more successful.

-Do -
- create a self care program - educate yourself on alcoholism - make a commitment to help through the process - avoid shaming - engage in family therapy and support -
- Don't -
- blame, ridicule, judge or criticize - glorify drinking with funny stories - help someone just by being the monitor - avoid talking to people about alcoholism - forget the final decision to get help is up to the addict -
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- Do -
-Do create a self care program -
There is a strong likelihood that you have given a lot of caring energy and time to deal with the problem of someone in your family that is courageously entering treatment. Now is a very important time for you to gain the strength and energy to take care of yourself as you adjust to your loved one getting help. Create a plan to maintain your own well-being that is supportive, gentle and considerate of your feelings and physical body, so that you have the support you need as you adjust to your loved one getting help.

-Do educate yourself on alcoholism -
Learning about alcoholism and addiction as a whole, is essential for those that have a family member entering treatment in order to heal. Addiction is a disease, so there are many things that the family should know about before diving into a treatment program. The best way to get that education is through a rehab center that offers family education and support. When looking for a rehab center, explore those that have a family component, meaning they engage with the family in the process of recovery.

-Do make a commitment to help through the process -
This is one of the most challenging aspects of working with families and individuals addressing substance related disorders. As much as the alcoholic expresses that it is okay for others to drink around them, in actuality it usually isn't. The alcoholic naturally will strive to be less of a burden and will try to convince themselves that they are okay with family drinking around them. Be mindful that your loved one is dependent on alcohol, and remove all alcoholic substances from the home environment. Make a commitment as a family to set boundaries on the disease.

-Do avoid shaming -
Many family members hope that once a loved one enters treatment, the problem has therefore been addressed and the problem has simply gone away. Relapse is not the goal, but there is a reality that the potential for relapse or complete lapse is likely. In the case of relapsing, the addict will generally be very ashamed, and therefore will be tempted to lie and manipulate to avoid having to deal with these feelings of shame. When your loved one does this, avoid shaming them and instead, be supportive that they will be able to continue their path through recovery.

-Do engage in family therapy and support -
Families generally have a lot of resentment that go unprocessed and are dealt with when they don't have the support and education about how to deal with the feelings and effects of a loved one going through recovery. Attending Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, group therapy, family therapy, and individual therapy is very important. Make sure you get as much information from the treatment center as you can about family support and attending these types of meetings even after the loved one has been discharged. Often family members will commit to continuing to attend family sessions at rehab, even if the family member has been discharged or has relapsed. Maximize all of your resources so that you can take advantage of all the support systems out there.
Being engaged with the treatment process will help you find out how you and your loved one can overcome the relational patterns that have occurred as a result of alcohol abuse. Also, remember that getting help does not have to be in a high end rehab center, there are plenty of resources for clients to get help in the community that are non-profit and government supported.

-Don't-

-Do not blame, ridicule, judge or criticize -
One of the most challenging aspects of having a loved one lost in an addiction is the reality that they have learned to be highly sophisticated "alibi artists" and have most likely lied and manipulated their family members. These lies have probably created a lot of damage, breaking trust and causing overall dissension. This is not a feeling to avoid, but it is also not helpful to channel these feelings through blaming, ridiculing and criticizing. Validate your feelings, but work on decreasing those potential tendencies to project your anger onto the loved one. Though, this is easier said than done, because your anger is justified, it can escalate into making the problem worse.
- Do not glorify drinking with funny stories - Alcohol is something that is enjoyed by lots of people who have fun without having a problem. However, once the threshold of fun is broken and the drinking becomes a problem, the whole family is affected even if they are able to drink without letting it get out of hand. Generally, drinking starts with fun, moves to fun with problems, and then all that is left are just the problems. To glorify drinking by story swapping and romanticizing the past partying is destructive and empowers the perception that drinking can and should be enjoyed by the person in recovery. Disempower the perception that drinking is fun by not glorifying the moments of drinking in the past, so that they have an easier time struggling with their addiction. Do not help someone just by being the monitor - Avoid being the eyeball checker, breath sniffer, and parole officer. It is up the alcoholic to make the decision to stop and it is a daily job psychologically, physically, and otherwise. Your role is to you help your loved one in recovery and let them figure out the ways to deal with the addiction and be their own moral monitor. If your family member comes to you asking for help, try your best to provide the support they need, and then let them work through it on their own. Their survival and relapse prevention skills are about asking for help, but not putting the responsibility on someone else. A big challenge for addicts is learning accountability, and the only way they can do that is through experience. Do not avoid talking to people about alcoholism - One of the most difficult parts for families to deal with is wondering what other people might think. Whether you are speaking to family or friends, there is a lot of shame that comes with admitting there is a problem. The unfortunate reality is that family might not be comfortable with honesty or discussions related to a drinking problem, and friends may not feel comfortable that they lost their favorite party buddy. The goal here is to learn how to accept, rather than to resist the problem. Once you accept that there is a problem, which tends to come with a lot of sadness, the resistance becomes less difficult. Overtime, the family will slowly demonstrate support and have respect for the person going through recovery.-
- Do not forget the final decision to get help is up to the addict - Many times it takes a family intervention to address the problem, and there is no firm prediction as to whether or not the intervention will convince that person to enter treatment. Though sometimes as a result of the intervention, the person becomes aware of their problem by learning how their addiction has affected their family. Often it isn’t until they hear it from their friends and family, a therapist, sponsor, or others do they realize that they even had a problem in the first place. The key here is to maintain firm boundaries and not get pulled into rescuing your family member if they haven’t first demonstrated a commitment to get help. Summary - Substance dependence is an insidious and cunning disease; it affects families on many levels. If your family member is seeking help to overcome an addiction and begin recovery, remember that it is a lifelong process. The experience of clarity and being present for life and not drinking takes time to get use to. However, throughout recovery, everyday they are sober will justify the work that your loved one does to maintain a healthy and clean lifestyle. Be patient, ask for help, and always smile. Educate your family early and keep your cool. It is all going to be okay. Your loved one will have a lot of fun being clean and sober, and you will all learn how to face the problems and obstacles that life presents you with.-

Give Your Spouse the Support They Need to Enter an Alcohol Treatment Program

support@wellness.com — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 21:37:38 Z

Wellness.com - Give Your Spouse the Support They Need to Enter an Alcohol Treatment Program by Lisa

Having a loved one that is struggling with alcoholism can be one of the most difficult and challenging times in the relationship. Giving your spouse the support and remaining strong yourself is integral when wanting to help your spouse get the treatment and care that they may or may not be ready to seek. The reality is, you may be successful in helping your spouse go into treatment, however it is really their journey and work to apply and maintain recovery as part of their lifestyle change. Therefore, knowing that it is really up to your spouse to get help and yet providing the help that you can to attend to the relationship, and both of your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health is important as well. The following is some advice intended to provide some guidance and help to make this process a little less stressful.

-Do -
- educate yourself by consulting with experts - be prepared to make changes and take on your own role - engage your family and social network - research the financial and other requirements of treatment - learn about setting boundaries and maintaining them -
-
- Don't - assume it is all about your spouse - imply or maintain old patterns of behavior - bring up the past wreckage without a therapist or preparation - assume your spouse can drink socially - do this on your own -
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- Do -
-Do educate yourself by consulting with experts-

Explore resources including interventionists, treatment programs, therapists that specialize in treating addiction, and other professionals that are in the field. Getting as much information about treatment is important, the primary goal of gaining knowledge is to become aware of what to expect. This will help with anxiety or other related problems that can occur if you don't have a clue of what to expect as you prepare to confront your spouse's addiction.

-Do be prepared to make changes and take on your own role-

Sometimes dealing with a spouse's addiction can confront your own role in possibly enabling the addiction. Many times, the denial that a spouse is exhibiting is similar to your own denial of what your role is in enabling an addiction. Be prepared to be confronted by your spouses treatment program, which may occur in family week and family education. Family is essential in treating an addiction, but is also a significant factor of how the spouses addiction has gone untreated for a period of time. Therefore, be prepared that sobriety extends to the family and you, and some of the insights you will gain about the how, why, and what will be very enlightening and yet very troubling of what you may discover about yourself in relation to your spouse's addiction.

-Do engage your family and support network-

Get support from the family to help you create a support network for your spouse and you. It is helpful for family, whether biologically or socially related, to come together and support you and your spouse as you deal with an addiction. It is ideal if you can surround yourself and your spouse with support from those that love you both as you take on the potentially difficult conversation of confronting an addiction. This support can also help with child care, logistics related to your spouse possibly not being able to work, take care of children, or maintain the home, etc.

-Do research the financial and other requirements of treatment-

Check treatment programs and have a plan including checking on insurance. Many times individuals will be ready to confront their spouses addiction, and then find that they don't have a plan or that the cost of treatment was not what they expected. It is therefore good to get some preliminary information on programs that are contracted with your insurance panel if you need to use insurance. You should also find out more information on treatment and the length and cost.

-Do learn about setting boundaries and maintaining them-

Take action and hold boundaries even though it can be very heartbreaking and difficult for you. More often than not, particularly with those that seek treatment for the first time, they will want to leave or not complete treatment. As the spouse, this is one of the most challenging problems to face. If you can, try and hold your boundaries by consulting with your interventionist, family counselor with the program, and case manager of the program to encourage them to help you be prepared for your spouse wanting to return home too soon.

-Don't-

-Do not assume it is all about your spouse-

This is a lifestyle shift for both of you. Many times, as the spouse, you may find that you think everything will be okay once your spouse seeks treatment and gets fixed - and then you find they are more vocal with their emotions, they are processing feelings more and seem to be more involved in ways that you may not have expected once they got sober. Be prepared for a shift in lifestyle and priorities; many times a spouse of a recovering alcoholic will not understand that the passion for the 12 step program, for example, has occurred as a result of seeking treatment. Therefore it is important to prepare for some of these new ways of communicating with your spouse and experiences that you may not have expected.

-Do not imply or maintain old patterns of behavior-

Maintaining old patterns of behavior is a hard cycle to break. Passive-aggressive behaviors that may have been the form of communication for an extended period of time between you and your spouse before treatment shouldn't be kept. Learning new ways to communicate and express your emotions and opinions is important. Therefore, learning healthy communication skills and being willing to ask for what you want is important. Addicts will many times be the first to admit they can be self centered and selfish, many times that is part of the territory of addiction. Therefore, learn how to communicate your feelings and deal with your emotions.

-Do not bring up the past wreckage without a therapist or preparation-

Your feelings about the past deserve to be acknowledged in a mindful and considerate manner. The past is bound to come up when dealing with addiction; it can bust a family apart and create a lot of resentment that, if it goes unprocessed or addressed, will continue to drive tension in the family. Therefore, prepare to do your own process, whether this be in an Al-Anon program or family therapy once your spouse has completed treatment. Part of their recovery is acknowledging some of the past issues they have caused between both of you. This is not about blaming, but instead is more about acknowledging the occurrences for the purposes of releasing them to the past. Once you process, let it go and avoid bringing up old issues over and over again. That will only hinder you and your spouse.

-Do not assume your spouse can drink socially-

Dealing with addiction is a very challenging process and deserves a team of professionals to help you and your spouse. Many times, people think addiction is negotiable in the sense that their spouse can drink socially as long as they don't overdo it. Everyone is different, however, if your spouse has been diagnosed or meets criteria for alcohol dependence, the likelihood of them drinking again whether socially or otherwise is closer to zero, if not zero.

-Do not do this on your own-

You can't just throw out all the alcohol and yell at your spouse to stop drinking. You are dealing with a medical aspect of alcoholism that should include a medical doctor to evaluate and monitor detoxification symptoms. The medical aspects of addiction are important to consider, so keep in mind seizures, withdrawal and tremors, vomiting, shaking and other physical symptoms, that deserve medical attention and monitoring. Therefore, it is important to engage a doctor or addiction psychiatrist to help with the medical aspects of addiction.

-Summary -
-Ultimately, your spouse is going to make the final call as to whether they want to address their alcoholism. It is a challenging road for a non-using spouse. However, it is one of the most rewarding and connective experiences to have dealt with one of the most insidious and life-threatening diseases there is. Be patient, know that you have the power to only change yourself, make sure you take care of you as your spouse takes care of themselves. Begin a self care plan that includes alternative healthy living in the home and try not to do this on your own. The beauty of recovery is the strong support network that is available to you with people that can relate to you within a moment of meeting.

Reduce and Manage Stress at Work and at Home to Enjoy Life More

support@wellness.com — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 21:23:34 Z

Wellness.com - Reduce and Manage Stress at Work and at Home to Enjoy Life More by Lisa

Lisa Bahar, M.A., CCJP, LMFT, LPCC - Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor - Working has its challenges and can certainly be a source of stress for many individuals. Managing stress is logical, however to actually implement a healthy self care plan and meet the demands of work while balancing home life and your health can be overwhelming. These tips can hopefully help with managing stress and become an essential part of your daily living. Do - give yourself affirmations - structure your sleep schedule - create a morning routine that is not rushed or urgent - greet people at work with a half-smile and hello - take time for yourself during work hours - Don't - check email, cell phones and other messages right as you awaken - gossip or participate in "water cooler" chit chat - forfeit your exercise of self-care plan - over-socialize with coworkers in a bar - sabotage a coworker -
- Do - Do give yourself affirmations - One of the most important self esteem builders and stress management skills is to be your own cheerleader, therefore, affirming within yourself, that you are working and committed to taking care of yourself and manage your life is a big deal. So give yourself a pat on the back daily and remind yourself that you are of value and are taking responsibility by going to work and committing to showing up. Do structure your sleep schedule - It may be one of the most challenging rhythms to manage, but once you do, you will notice the value of getting plenty of rest. Restful sleep rejuvenates the body and mind, adds clarity and focus to your day, and decreases potential emotional reactions to some conflicts that would otherwise lead to something much larger. Therefore, learning how to prepare for sleep and actually create a sleep schedule that compliments your body is important. Most likely, you have an idea of how much your body needs to get plenty of rest. Start by taking a mindful approach to how much rest you feel would give you the ideal amount of sleep that is reasonable. Sleep studies can provide good information on the amount of an average amount of sleep; consult a sleep expert if you need guidance. Once you have an idea of how much rest you need, it is important to maintain consistency with the plan. Make preparing for sleep a mindful experience, have your environment conducive to sleep, avoid foods and substances that can interrupt your sleep, and turn off electronics to calm your mind and prepare your mind and body to rest. Do create a morning routine that is not rushed or urgent - The morning is an important time to train or notice your thoughts that will potentially set the tone for the rest of the day, therefore, having a positive routine in the morning that creates positive emotions, is key to how you may manage stress throughout the day. These routines can be in the form of meditation, morning coffee with time to read the paper for example, making time to awaken before spouse or kids is important for your self care. Pets are also quite pushy in the morning, and therefore, perhaps that is a process that you work out with those you live with, or you can simply feed the pets as part of a morning routine of creating calmness, since they are quite calm once fed. Do greet people at work with a half smile and hello - Perhaps you already do greet your coworkers, but greet your coworkers with kindness and a gentle demeanor. This sets the tone for interpersonal effectiveness and openness with others. Do take time for yourself during working hours - Taking time for yourself is essential for balance and focus, it helps with motivation and feeling good about yourself and not resenting the work environment due to fatigue and tiredness. Taking time for yourself during lunch, breaks, and leaving on time can be one of the most difficult things to do, since it requires discipline and structure, however, not taking time for yourself can have more negative effects on you and your work in the long run. Follow employment guidelines and check with your supervisor on when and the length of these times that are allocated to you. Communicate the times you plan to come and go in order to make sure there is no miscommunication or assumptions.
- Don't - Do not check email, cell phones and other messages right as you awaken - Make your morning time or time before work be about waking up, getting ready for the day, and just for you. Until you are ready to start work, don’t check your work emails, cell phone or other messages that may be demanding of you. Do not gossip or participate in the “water cooler” chit chat - As much as office gossip can be a connective experience and validate your feelings at times, it also has a strong potential to create stress and unwanted anxiousness. It is best to avoid the negative emotions that can occur with gossip about what other coworkers might be doing or whatever it is that let rumors get started. Be mindful and non-judgmental of those that chose to participate and gently leave the conversation. Notice how this decreases ruminating thoughts and negative thoughts. Gossip is a habit, and one of the hardest to break since it is collective and dependent on others to keep it going. Do not forfeit your exercise or self care plan - Maintaining an exercise plan and self care plan is essential to decrease your stress at work and create positive emotions. Therefore, if you have not already started, it is time to start a self care plan to decrease potential vulnerability to negative emotions and increase positive emotions. Self care, also includes golf, massages, facials, hiking, nails, sports, beach trips, etc. The goal is to get the body and mind in balance. Just because you are too tired at the end of the day, doesn’t mean you should quit doing the activities that help you to decrease stress. Do not over-socialize with co workers in a bar - Sometimes, happy hour is part of the way workers are able to wind down and relax after work, however, if engaged to often, these social activities have a potential to set up problems at the office with a hangover, interaction that may not have been thought through, and even fights if something unanticipated occurs. Therefore, be aware of not over engaging in the social activities that involve drinking or substances that can have an effect on work relationships. Do not sabotage a coworker - Although, one is bound to not necessarily like all their coworkers, it is important to not sabotage a coworker for a promotion or a transition for example. Ironically, more often than not, that individual may be in a position to help you and will remember the little or big sabotage you instigated. Therefore, keep in mind that all people are connected and maintain good healthy professional relationships. They pay off in the long run.
- Summary - Work stress is part of work, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Learning how to manage stress is a challenge and sometimes may feel like too much work, but if you are able to take small steps to change a few behaviors, the results will most likely pay off. The calmer and more balanced you are, the more open you will be to learn, progress, and enjoy your job. Stress is part of life, but letting it consume you is not necessary.-
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10 Tips to Achieve Balance & Health at Age 50 & Beyond

support@wellness.com — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 14:51:23 Z

Wellness.com - 10 Tips to Achieve Balance & Health at Age 50 & Beyond by Lisa

Chapter 3

Lisa Bahar, MA., LMFT, LPCC

Approaching or turning 50 can be one of those experiences for some women that has feeling of impending doom despite all the insight a woman may have gained through her life. It is a life change that one can prepare for, but not fully understand her experience until it comes, and this can be perplexing as one accepts this transition into her next stage of life which is laced with a sense of loss and yet a purpose of gain.

Acceptance is the first step to allow for new growth and experiences to occur and we are fortunate as women to be living in an age that has finally come to a place that accepts a maturing woman as interesting, intriguing, fascinating and endearing.

The following 10 tips on achieving balance and health at age 50 and beyond are intended to help with this transitional physical, emotional and spiritual process.

I felt very fortunate to be offered this opportunity to contribute to Andy Charalambous book since I am approaching 50 and I have come to be a firm believer you teach best what you need to learn.

Tip 1:
Do your Wisdom work

I was recently reading a New York Times article on Grace Coddington, VOGUEs longtime Creative Director and second in command to VOGUEs Anna Wintor, both women over 50, she said a wonderful quote at the end of the article: "...it wouldn't hurt anyone for that matter, to have a few things going wrong in their life...I mean, I hate to say it, but it teaches you a hell of a lot, you know."

If you have not started to question your life, decisions and really taken a reflective look of where you have been and who you are today, now at 50 and beyond is the time. Do your Wisdom work.

Many women have not taken the time to really reflect on who they have become and where they are, finding themselves stunted in the process of emotional and spiritual growth as their bodies mature and change.

Granted there are distractions from family, work and other commitments, but Wisdom is always present when you are ready to nurture it and generally it is gained when you have really experienced something that called you to make some pretty important choices in life that were not easy to make. Age 50 is generally the time that many women are trying to hold on to what they are inevitably going to be breaking free from whether it is physical appearance, the feeling of being attractive based on looks and the materialism that have an effect on some as making us feel worthy and accepted.

The question is how to begin Wisdom work. Well, this is a hard question to answer, because if you are not ready or want to explore more depths within yourself, then this tip is not going to make sense.

Generally, not always, Wisdom work comes at a point when you have either gone through some level of letting go, mourning, grief or overall acceptance of something that you were reluctant to deal with due to the nature of its meaning to you.What I mean by that is that Wisdom work comes from when you have gone through something and have experienced it as an opportunity to gain insight and understanding than just a problem to endure, it is the very thing that creates the integrity of an individual and character of a woman.

The access point of Wisdom work comes with generally surrounding yourself with spiritual concepts, images, practices, elements that activate the sensory system and physical discipline such as books, people, mediative practice and it does not necessarily mean believing in eastern philosophies.For example, a walk on the beach in the morning before dawn is just as spiritual as sitting in silence watching your thoughts go by, the key here is to become curious of your own inner wisdom, but again, it is on your time whether it be 50 or beyond as to when it is the time to gain that wisdom.

The effects of Wisdom work is less focus on competing, being overly occupied with what others think or are doing, and more inclined to be with the present and learning about life. Some of the characteristics that are noticeable in a woman who has done her Wisdom work is that there is a quiet, strong, graciousness that occurs and an essence about her.

Tip 2: Live in the Moment.

I work with clients teaching what we call Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills, which includes Core Mindfulness skills. The goal of Core Mindfulness skills is to learn how to be in the moment and allow yourself to be fully present to what is.

How to do this, is a discipline and one that sounds great in theory, but one generally needs the "How" skills to live in the now.

I had a good friend to me once say are you a human being or a human doing?" and that made a lot of sense to me when she said this, we tend to get caught up in the doing and forget about the being, therefore core mindfulness skills can provide that skill of how to be in the present and learn to stop the doing.

Part of Core Mindfulness is being aware of your own thoughts especially when you become emotional as part of being in the moment.

As you practice what is called the Observation of thoughts, you will find that you can actually see your thoughts go by and experience and listen to what your emotions are telling you. The return to present becomes natural with practice and you can begin to experience and notice how distracting thoughts rob you of the present moment.

Learning to live in the moment, is imbedded in the natural elements of life, therefore, noticing how you relate to your environment and the sensory experience of it, from smell, taste, touch, vision and hearing, notice how your body responds to these elements.

Through Core Mindfulness you can feel your body as it makes it changes and you can comfort your body as it moves through a process of letting go.

Tip 3:
Have a sense of humor.

A sense of humor about life, is probably one of the best kept secrets of living a long and fruitful life. Ever notice, how comedians seem to live longer, or at least that is my observation. Having a sense of humor is a great gift or tool to develop and have to survive life.

Being able to laugh at how ridiculous this life party is, can be of great help, particularly when you are distressed and it feels like things are pretty bad.

There is something very healing about seeing things from a humorous perspective, looking at life as though it is a tapestry of coincidences and knowing ultimately, how you experience it, or perceive it, is up to you.

I suggest find the humor in life. If there is a God or a Universe that created all of this, it certainly has a sense of humor. Once you start observing from a curious and humorous outlook, it appears that life becomes rather amusing, and it can be rather exciting, wondering what on earth is going to happen next. Look at the bright side? Well, yes, is that easy, no it is not, however, the irony of it all, is that there is a bright side to all things that are happening. If you struggle with humor, animals, small beings can assist in this process, children have a sense of play as do adults.

A good belly laugh is probably one of the most healing experiences a person can have. Start with the little things in life, look at coincidences, watch what others do, people watching is a wonderful experience to get some good giggles in, because we are truly hilarious on how we take all this so seriously.

Tip 4:
Practice Radical Acceptance

Learn how to accept change which is bound to occur, it is hard to believe, but nothing stays the same, you can count on that, the key is to learn how to accept that, even if you don't agree that something changing is for the good.

The first step to change is accept what is now. In the work I do with teaching DBT, this sill is called Radical Acceptance, which suggests that the only way for things to change in terms of your experience is to accept what is happening now which is not to be confused with approving or agreeing what is happening is good or bad.

This is a delicate process, so be gentle with yourself as you validate and honor what it is you are feeling as you graciously let go of your own resistance to perhaps your body changing and emotions experienced as thoughts shift.

When you can Radically Accept was is happening, you will notice that suffering decreases, and this does not have to be about major pivotal life changing experiences, it can be as trivial as traffic on the freeway, people at work annoying you, and the lack of support you felt at home.

Emotional distress is the emotional reactivity in your mind that is consuming your experience, therefore engage some reason and try and access that Wise part of you, that knows there is a way to radically accept what is occurring, and remember acceptance is not agreeing or approving, it is just giving up the fight of resistance.

Tip 5:
Create Balance physically

Nutrition
Mindfully balance and treat the physical aspects of your body with nutritional eating patterns, remembering that nutrition balances the body and neuroses your brain which can decrease the potential for negative emotions to take hold. Avoid foods that make you moody, although moodiness many times is by definition a part of the stage of life we are in, therefore consult get support in this area if you need to, and perhaps consult a registered dietician if you need guidance on balanced eating at age 50 and even beyond.

Mood altering substances
Avoid mood altering drugs and substances, this could include energy drinks, nicotine, sugar and other drugs and alcohol, consult with your physician or dietician to assist you in the process of eliminating these mood altering substances or ways to balance them if possible.

What I have found, is that the word control or balance with these particular issues, indicates that there is a potential problem, however, consult with an expert that can assist you with a care plan that will create balance, health and comfortable longevity.

Sleep
Balance your sleep by maintaining consistency. A lot happens to the body as it rejuvenates when you sleep and a good night's rest helps with maintaining healthy outlooks on life and relationships to yourself and others. Therefore, follow a healthy sleep pattern and consult a sleep expert if you need guidance or help to start getting rejuvenating sleep.

Getting your beauty sleep is key to calmness and ability to manage stress more effectively. Once again as women, we have what may be more physically driven that requires more patience, meaning as our body changes, our sleep patterns also change and therefore, it is important to maintain a healthy well informed approach to sleep, nutrition and exercise to hopefully gain a more balanced sleep schedule. Be patient this may take some to adjust as your body changes.

Exercise
Exercise is essential for the body to feel good, therefore, explore what you enjoy and be reasonable and remember to not overdo it.

If exercise does not come to you as a natural daily regimen and feels more like a punishment, consult with a trainer or someone that can work with you to find what feels like fun but is actually a way to keep fit and healthy.

The irony is that once you become structured and scheduled with your exercise plan, you may find that you are not too happy when you don't exercise. The goal is to maintain consistency and enjoy the aftereffects.

Tip 6:
Create mastery and competence

Try something new everyday, even if it means saying hello to someone or fixing something creates a sense of competence and effectiveness.

As a result confidence is experienced naturally and self esteem is boosted. It is fascinating to see women embrace their ability to problem solve, deal with life's obstacles and the level of engagement that creates this level of self esteem that is attractive.

This does not have to be demonstrated in an overly aggressive or masculine way, but it is demonstrated with balance and effectiveness that is genuine, real and accountable. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.

The key here is to take risks on tasks or situations, that your mind tells you, that you cannot do and you do it anyway and this does not mean situations or tasks that are life threatening or a threat to your wellbeing. Building mastery is the step toward challenging a fear and finding that the fear was not justified. It is breaking free from what you thought was not possible and to be able to face your fears.

Tip 7:
Practice willingness versus willfulness

There are times we will be willful because we feel we are right, and that our point is correct and justifiable, and many times, it is, however, as a result of perhaps having proven our point we are still not happy, and many times this unhappiness is a result of you wanting to prove a point out of willfulness versus experiencing what it is in a willing and surrendering manner.

This is not to be misunderstood as giving up your values or being walked all over, but rather being willing to do the right thing which is guided by the Wise mind within us all. Women have an intuitive sense of being in the world and have a feminine wisdom can guide us to do what we feel is right and for the better and good.

Try and listen to that Wise Mind that tells you that some choices you are making are based on willfulness versus Willingness.

At first, this may feel weak and feeling out of control, but remember, if it is coming from that Wise knowing mind, the feeling will be a sense of calm and knowingness that has little if no rumination as to whether you were being willful or not. Be willing to see things from a variety of perspectives and act in accordance to the wisdom within.

Tip 8:
Communicate your truth

The key with communication is to know what it is you are trying to communicate. Many times there is an assumption that spouse or others know what we are feeling and yet we don't
convey these to them assuming they should know.

Therefore, learning how to effectively communicate even at age 50 or beyond is a skill and a relationship builder. Learning to ask for what you want and to say no to unwanted requests is a challenge for many women; however it is important for self esteem building and relationship tending.

Therefore, learning how to communicate your feelings and opinions in a clear and honest way, is a skill and is essential in terms of loving yourself and sticking to your values, which by the way is very attractive no matter how old you are.

Tip 9:
Be gentle, interested, stick to your values and be kind

Be gentle to yourself and to others and try and help any time you can. Keep in mind that helping to the point of your exhaustion is not the idea of helping.

Take care of your mental and physical health before you commit to taking care of everyone else's, and I say everyone, because as women, mothers, grandmothers, wives, we have a natural tendency to care for others and it comes naturally to us, however, there is a balance involved with taking care of yourself and others.

Tip 10:
Explore the meaning of life and death One of the many areas that human beings feel reluctant to face is their own mortality; explore what death means to you and what your feelings are about it.

This is important to explore, since many times the decisions and choices we make are based on what some may term as "a fear of death" become comfortable, not in a morbid sense, of what we are all bound to face at some point and begin to understand what it means to be alive.

I hope these tips for achieving balance and health at age 50 and beyond were helpful to you. The intention is to create balance in your life and continue building a life worth living. We are fortunate as a woman to be able to experience our maturing in a time that is open, willing and accepting of this inevitable process. I was recently reading a New York Times and saw an advertisement that said "Be a girl with a Mind, A Woman with Attitude and And A Lady with Class."

Enjoy this time in your life, the best has yet to come, but remember to live in the present and smile.

Lisa Bahar, M.A., LMFT, LPCC
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Therefore, maintain a structured self care program with time
for yourself is essential to accentuating the gentleness,
interested, valuable and kind woman you are.

These 10 tips can be found in '50 Years Young, Women's Health, Fitness and Life Guide', the new eBook by Andy Charalambous, available on Amazon.com in February 2013