Wellness Posts by dwight bain

Stuck in Financial Survival Mode?

support@wellness.com — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 09:27:40 Z

Wellness.com - Stuck in Financial Survival Mode? by dwight bain

Managing stressful moods attached to money
By Dwight Bain

When you are one paycheck away from financial disaster it doesn’t take much to trip and fall over into the abyss of despair. News of foreclosures, downsizing and soaring bankruptcy levels only make it worse for terrified and stressed out families who often feel stuck in what I call “Survival Mode”.

When a family feels stuck in the survival mode they worry about everything. Stress comes from every side; getting enough groceries or gasoline can be a struggle, trying to figure out how to get through the challenges of making rent, trying to find enough money to turn around and pay down their growing debts. A roof over their head is one of the biggest factors because often they are forced to move from the home they have lived in for years over to more affordable temporary housing.
They have to go through major adjustments because of reduced financial resources which ripple over into areas you might not think of like family members who avoid going to the doctor when they are sick because there isn’t enough money for medical care or prescriptions. Vacations are replaced by ‘stay-cations’ because the concept of disposable income for the purpose of casual entertainment is long forgotten when a family is stuck in survival mode. College and retirement are also forgotten concepts because they struggle to just get through the day.

Destroying more than credit scores

During these tough economic times we have seen financial pressure destroy more than money and credit scores. Marriages breaking up, workplace violence, aggression toward banks, the IRS or financial institutions, a spike in suicide, homicide, or familicide, along with a rise in addictive behaviors, (gambling/porn), an increase in alcoholism and prescription drug addiction. Face it, many people are caught up in a tangled web of intense emotions and it’s caused by fear way more than by finances.

There is an old saying on college campuses, “no mon – no fun” or put another way, when the cash runs out, the party is over. This mindset isn’t just true for college students, because there are millions of families facing financial distress who are feeling that their lifestyle is over because they are stuck in the survival mode of daily life. For these families there is no fun while waiting for a financial lifeline to be thrown their way before they drown in debt. So how can families facing incredible financial pressure break out of the survival mode?
Survival is more than it seems

First understand that SURVIVAL is not just a physical concept, (like food/water/shelter), it is also a psychological one driven by deep emotional needs to feel safe and in control on one’s surroundings. When a person feels intense financial distress they can become irrational and full of desperation, leading to desperate decisions which only makes their stressful situation worse.

Here’s what Joseph LeDoux, a neuroscientist at New York University said about how the brain functions in high stress situations during a recession. “Survival depends on the ability of an organism to respond to threat or reward and predict the circumstances under which they are likely to occur. The emotional brain is highly attuned to signs of potential danger.” Since survival is more than the basics it’s important to take aggressive action to meet both the physical and psychological needs within a family.

How can a family break out of being stuck in Survival Mode?
First they have to identify the facts of their situation, and then balance their feelings against the facts. Let me explain how it works.
Identify your FINANCIAL status then identify your FEELING status
For an honest awareness of your actual status, (FACTS)

When considering your financial situation, consider both your actual financial level and then the actual circumstances of your lifestyle. I suggest considering this on 3 different levels- Survival, Stability and Security. This way you will be able to cross reference between your finances and feelings to know how to accurately respond.
(Circle any of these lifestyle factors that apply to your current situation to gain a realistic picture of your overall situation)

SURVIVAL LEVEL, (Basic)

Financial functioning with just the basics of food, clean water, shelter, clothing, utilities, housing, safe place to sleep, proper hygiene products, public education, public transportation, public assistance, community health care, banking through money order or cash advance, no savings, no emergency fund, no cable television, no vacations or entertainment choices, no health insurance, no life insurance, no retirement, basic phone/911 service, significant debt with likely poor credit score or tax problems, minimal wardrobe with few choices of clothes and shoes, used furniture, used appliances and used cars are the norm.

STABILITY LEVEL, (Building)

Financial flexibility with access to multiple professional services, owns home, cable television, high-speed internet, occasional vacations, occasional travel, moderate holidays, prescription medicine, dental care, optical care, dependable/safe car, gasoline, car insurance, multiple cars, health insurance, professional CPA /accounting services, lawn care, dry-cleaners, regular car maintenance, new furniture, new appliances, new clothes/shoes, new technology, access to home repair services, private education for parents and kids, home alarm systems, smart cell phones, multiple phone lines, (cell phone, land phone, fax, or home based toll-free), access to storage units to maintain their growing possessions, access to multiple entertainment experiences (professional sporting events, live music concerts, theme parks), occasional dining out, modern wardrobe with many clothing and shoe choices, professional hair-cuts, access to participate in team sports, basic retirement plan in place, health club membership, savings accounts, checking accounts, regular vet care for pets, regular medical care for family members, fully funded 6 month emergency fund, access to college and continuing education, plus all of the categories from the Survival level.

SECURITY LEVEL, (Blessed)

Financial freedom as evidenced by access to many choices and options, multiple new cars, fully funded retirement, fully funded IRA, extensive stock portfolio, PPO health insurance, frequent travel, regular vacations, extensive holidays, golf/tennis country club memberships, recreation vehicles, (motor coaches, boats, motorcycles, ultra-lights, wave-runners, 4 wheelers, planes), multiple homes or rental properties in real estate portfolio, vacation homes, personal tailors, personal assistants, exclusive private education, legacy protected through extensive estate planning and funded insurance or financial trusts, access to frequent dining and entertainment experiences, (at the highest level this would include attending major events like the Super Bowl, Olympics, World Cup, major concerts, going backstage at Broadway plays) plus all of the categories from the Stability level.

Life is like the stock market

I believe people flow through these 3 stages throughout life on a regular basis because no one is perfectly financially secure all of the time. Learn to view them more like a stock market report that goes up one day and down the next. It changes many times based on the circumstances on any given day and a wise investor knows not to panic but to trust the process. Life goes up and down, in fact Jesus taught that life would get tough but that we would never be alone in the process if we had faith, “In this world you will have trouble, but be of good cheer, I overcame the world.” (John 16:33)

Life flows- it doesn’t stay fixed at one particular level all the time. Since it ebbs and flows a healthy family has to learn how to flow with it between these three levels so that their mood can stay healthy and balanced no matter which level they may be on during a given day.
I’ve met people who were incredibly financially secure when you considered their portfolio on paper, yet who didn’t feel emotionally secure at all. Finances and feelings often don’t match and when they don’t people can quickly turn to panic. Listen to what author Orison Swett Marden said about this, “Our destiny changes with our thoughts; we shall become what we wish to become, do what we wish to do, when our habitual thoughts correspond with our desires.” Literally what we believe about money will affect our moods.

When a family feel stuck in survival mode they frequently don’t believe they can change because they feel trapped in a downward debt spiral which could end up in bankruptcy, homelessness and complete financial ruin if all of their resources are depleted. Yet this disaster mindset often isn’t based in the reality of what is happening that day, but in the anxiety about the worst case scenario unfolding in the future. It is a completely one-sided point of view that only considers the worst that could happen without considering that anything good could happen to offset the bad.

Moving from Panic to Peace

To break out of the survival mode a family has to break out of being focused on the financial pressure, which only brings panic; to turn and focus on faith in a better day, which brings peace.
Often these fearful emotions aren’t shared equally with the whole family, because the entire emotional load is frequently carried by only one spouse or parent who hides it from their partner and the rest of the family. The pressure often can become unbearable on this person, leading to feelings of failure, shame or embarrassment along with stress related disorders or depression which takes a complicated situation and makes it much worse for them and for the rest of their family.

God never designed for one person to carry the whole load of a family- no one is that strong. Rather, we need to share the burdens with the entire family so that one person doesn’t get burned out trying to carry the entire load alone. (Remember the classic television show “the Walton’s” about a depression era family who always pulled together and got stronger when facing financial challenges… that’s a lot different than many families today who seem pull apart from stress when facing financial pressure).

Another factor to consider is that every person reading this is a member of 1 of the 4 financial levels represented in the US. Once you identify your financial level, (more of the facts), then you can move forward to tackle your fears and frustrations, (the feelings), in a realistic way.

Average income levels in the United States:
___ Wealthy - $259,706 & above
___ Upper middle - $74,700 to 259,706
___ Working - $46,700 to 74,700
___ Poor - $20,200 to 46,700

These income levels came from a 5 year project conducted by researchers at Harvard College & Duke University and later published in a book called “Building a Better America.” They found out more than just income because they asked a lot of questions about what that income level actually represented in terms of lifestyle.

So what does this mean to a family feeling financially pressured? Let’s go back to the FACTS to find out. If a family is in the middle to upper income range with access to retirement funds or lines of credit and someone in the family lose a job or has a car in need of a major repair it’s not a crisis, it’s an inconvenience.

However, if a person from the working class has the need for a major car repair and they miss even 1 paycheck they could be facing a major crisis because there simply are not funds or lines of credit to solve the problem. So they have to park the car and save to repair the car another day.

It would seem that a wealthy person would always feel financially secure, but that’s not the case based on the number of people from upper income neighborhoods who have resorted to self-destructive behavior during recent years as the great recession slowed our nation’s economy to a grinding halt. Oddly enough many people with great financial reserves and very comfortable lifestyles reacted in a panic mode that would have suggested they were about to become homeless, when in fact they were only having to shift to a different level of lifestyle because of a change in finances.

Money affects Mood

You have likely seen when someone feels financially confident how they spend more than they should and ignore the reality of their total financial situation especially if they don’t live on a budget. The same holds true when someone feels financially insecure and shifts into panic mode making things seem worse than they really are.
How to stay emotionally secure when life has panic, problems, nuisances and crisis events? Remember that crisis reveals what you believe about yourself and your situation. If a financial setback occurs it can create an opportunity for radical change which can be for the good if a family learns to pull through it together, instead of pulling each other apart.

A great example of this is author and financial coach Dave Ramsey, who faced a complete financial meltdown with the strength of his faith and family. Listening to his story of how his family ate beans and rice for a few years while rebuilding financial stability is inspirational to anyone facing tough financial circumstances. (Learn more about how this family pulled together during some really tough financial times at www.DaveRamsey.com)

Learning to balance your actual finances, (income level) with your feelings, (emotional level) will guide you toward getting out of the mindset of believing your life is over because of struggling with cash-flow.

They aren’t going to Eat You

No one is going to kill you if you can’t pay all of your bills on time, but self-destructive behavior can ruin everything. Creditors aren’t allowed by law to harass you and my hope is that you and your family will learn to see the many options you have when facing a financially tough time and not fall apart in the process. Consider the words of author Dale Carnegie who said, “Do you remember the things you were worrying about a year ago? Didn't you waste a lot of fruitless energy on account of most of them? Didn't most of them turn out all right after all?”

People stuck in survival mode can’t see the long view that things usually do turn out better in time, so I recommend they focus on a 24/7 model of coping in tough times. Basically you think about what you need to focus on for the next 24 hours over the next 7 days and don’t worry about things outside of that time frame. Yes, I know this will fly in the face of what Forbes magazine tells you to do about your long term retirement planning, but in a financial crisis you don’t have enough emotional energy to fight battles today while worrying about twenty years from now.

Worst of Times can often lead to the Best of Times

Remember that tough financial times can actually help a family identify their priorities a lot faster than any other time and these challenges can lead to remarkable personal development. For instance consider both sides of this situation to gain perspective. When facing financial pressure do you and your family focus on:

Cash Flow or Character?
Net Worth or Self-worth?
Consumerism or Contentment?
Pity/Panic or Peace?
Feeling insecure or Secure in faith?
Fearful or “Faith-full?”
Self-provision or God provision?
Workaholism or Worship?
Escape reality or Facing reality?
Financial failure or Financial student?
Greedy/Self focus or Generous/Serve focus?

As you can see there are many ways to look at a financial tough time, but it’s been my experience that a wise person learns to see beyond dollars to develop the real issues of their character and soul. Robert Schuller said it well, “Tough times never last, but tough people do.” To break out of financial survival mode you have to know what you believe and then let the pressure push you deeper in those beliefs to become who you were meant to become. The toughest of times can actually become the best of times when you and your family develop these core values.

Here are the rapid ways to break out of Survival mode:

1. Share Burdens. You are not in this alone and there are others struggling with the same issues. Reach out and talk through the financial pressure because it will take a ton of pressure off and prevent emotional burnout.

2. Supports. Find support through your church, from extended family, from financial support groups in your community and basically any other place you can find. The more pressure on you, the more you need supports around you to manage that pressure.

3. Skills to cope. Journaling is essential to get out of the survival mode. Writing out your fears and frustrations will reduce pressure. Listen to positive music, take a yoga class, practice meditation, read biographies of people who made it through tough times, exercise and especially stay disciplined about getting enough sleep because exhausted people become emotionally frazzled faster. Learn to do all you can for the day and then go to bed and rest up to face another day with God’s help.

4. Systems. Develop routines for your family to manage tough times. This could be as simple as developing a grocery list to having family meetings about the home budget or setting a pattern to follow when facing unexpected medical expenses or costly repairs.

5. Strategy. Once of my favorite sayings during tough times is “You always have options,” because it’s true. You can always call your creditors, you can call a hotline, you can sit in the floor and cry to release pressure or you can go out and look for a part time job for extra income. To develop strategies is to get a legal pad out and aggressively list every option. You will be surprised at how many strategies there are in tough situations when you can creatively list them out. And the more options you see, the more confidence you will feel.

6. Scripture. study biblical principles that protect your mood, (here are some of my favorite sections of scripture which I repeated hour by hour through some of the toughest times of my life to stay focused and not afraid - “God will keep you in perfect peace when you keep your thoughts focused on Him.” “Cast all your anxiety on God because he cares for you.” “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength,” “Fear not for I am with you, be not dismayed because I am your God.”) I’m not sure what your favorite verses are, but memorizing short sections to meditate on continually throughout the day will give you new spiritual strength. (Side note- this strategy isn’t about a particular religious view, it’s about developing deeper faith. Since it’s impossible to get through tough times without faith it’s essential to know what you believe if you are going to break out of the survival mode)

Never Alone on the Journey

Don’t forget, no matter which financial level you are at you are not alone. Millions of families are feeling stuck in survival mode and they are making it, and you can too. You are not a failure if you are facing tough financial circumstances, but you do have to take bold action to make some positive changes in your life. However if you wait and wait you can experience more pain and embarrassment. Better to be proactive to move from the survival mode over to stability by making calls and asking for help.

Facing tough times isn’t just limited to this generation because thousands of years ago the Apostle Paul wrote Timothy these words of wisdom to use in building deeper faith when facing financial pressure.

“A devout life does bring wealth, but it's the rich simplicity of being yourself before God. Since we entered the world penniless and will leave it penniless, if we have bread on the table and shoes on our feet, that's enough. Lust for money brings trouble and nothing but trouble. Going down that path, some lose their footing in the faith completely and live to regret it bitterly ever after. But you, Timothy, man of God: Run for your life from all this. Pursue a righteous life—a life of wonder, faith, love, steadiness, courtesy. Run hard and fast in the faith. Seize the eternal life, the life you were called to, the life you so fervently embraced in the presence of so many witnesses. Tell those rich in this world's wealth to quit being so full of themselves and so obsessed with money, which is here today and gone tomorrow. Tell them to go after God, who piles on all the riches we could ever manage—to do good, to be rich in helping others, to be extravagantly generous. If they do that, they'll build a treasury that will last, gaining life that is truly life. (1 Timothy 6:6-19 in the Message)

Getting Past the Pride

False pride prevents a lot of people from asking for help, which is odd since many people who literally would give you the shirt off their back if you were struggling financially are embarrassed to reach out and ask for help from others. Reverse pride is still a major roadblock for families, and especially when they may have been at a very stable or secure level in the past and now are stuck in survival mode.
My challenge to people stuck by false pride is to get over it and reach out to some of the wonderful agencies and organizations designed to help in situations just like the one you may be facing. Pharmacies have discount programs, doctors have payment plans and everyone will work with you if you reach out honestly get past your pride to explain your situation.

A practical bottom line to begin this process of moving from financial survival mode to a more stable place is to aggressively work together to save money in key areas like groceries, cell phones and medicine. Here are some links to get you started in your search to gain financial stability by accessing the many values available online.

Big Savings on grocery products

www.couponmom.com www.couponmountain-com
www.MySavings.com www.retailmenot.com
www.Savings.com www.CoolSavings.com
www.couponsurfer.com www.printablecouponspot.com
www.smartsource. com www.redplum.com

Savings on prescriptions

http://www.internetdrugcoupons.com/ http://www.prescriptiondrugs.com/
http://www.yourrxdiscounts.com/ http://www.nextag.com/ http://www.reduceprescriptioncosts.com/ http://www.patientassistance.com/
http://www.onlinepharmacycoupons.com/ http://www.edrugsearch.com
http://www.patientassistance.com/getcard.html

(& accessing sites like www.Groupon.com for discount family entertainment)

These coupons are free and available to anyone who wants to take the time to make a grocery list, (to prevent over buying) and then map out and print coupons for those items. It may not sound like much of a savings, but the average family can pocket another $20-50 per week, ($1000 to $2500 per year) by getting creative with coupons. Every dollar saved takes pressure off of a family which moves them from the survival mode over to feeling stable. When families work together to manage financial pressure they can feel financial peace and the best part is that they did it together.

This way they are creating positive memories of making it through tough financial times as a family who pulled together instead of terrible times of watching one or both parents self-destruct and pull each other apart by spending too much time stuck in the survival mode. There is a better way… find it and deepen your faith and build a stronger family in the process.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2010), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.

When should parents begin to let go of their kids?

support@wellness.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:58:44 Z

Wellness.com - When should parents begin to let go of their kids? by dwight bain

Managing the change of letting go of children so they can launch into a successful life as young adults
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

Parents are told to give their children "roots and wings" from the time they are born until it is time to leave the nest, some twenty years later. I believe that the first part comes easier than the second, which may not come at all for some older adolescents these days. Let me explain a few factors to help you understand why some kids never seem to launch into early success as young adults.

Giving a child 'roots' is about shared traditions, Judeo-Christian values, personal accountability to a moral standard of behavior like the 10 commandments or the golden rule as well as providing a safe and loving home environment. I believe that most parents do their best to care and provide for their kids. I also believe that most parents try to build these core values into the heart of their kids which will always show up through their behavior and choices later on in life. If a child knows what they believe they are stronger and more focused to go through the teen years without getting hung up on the distractions and temptations that cause so many to stumble and fall.

Right from wrong is usually easy to spot

Frankly, I don't think most parents really struggle with knowing what they should be doing, because they know what they want their children to learn and if you ask them, they usually have a pretty clear vision of how they want their children to behave. It’s been my experience that most parents do their best to give their kids the strength of being deeply rooted into a personal belief system of some kind, especially in understanding right from wrong and how to respond to the world around them in a reasonable and responsible way.

If they aren't directly building these values into the lives of their kids, they are likely supplementing those values through Sunday school at church, some form of Christian values education (for instance, consider the great programs available through faith based groups like the YMCA), or exposure to positive messages through the entertainment and media they let their kids experience. Giving kids traditional family values will root them into knowing what they believe, but it won't always protect them when they are challenged by their peers as to why they believe it.

Most common fights are about the ‘flight plan’ between parent & child
So, how do you take a child that you have loved, cared for, taken care of and protected for their entire lifetime the right amount of space to 'fly' forward on their own wings? Let me warn you ahead of time, it's often hard to find the right level of balance on this subject and kids and parents often experience their greatest conflict during the teen years trying to figure out just the right level of responsibility and independence for each stage of life! Yet as hard as it may be for parents to even consider letting go of the children that they have invested so much time and energy into, it is essential for the child’s healthy development and inner strength as a person who will one day have to move out and move on as a young adult to tackle issues directly throughout their life without the security of knowing that mom and dad’s watchful care is always going to be near. The goal is for them to know what they believe, and when tested, to pass the test and live out those beliefs in spite of the pressures around them.

Dangerous truth- over-protective parents create weaker kids

Here's why this is such a problem for some loving parents. If you never let a child test their wings by moving a little further away from mom or dad's care, then sometimes they end up developing the symptoms of fear, extreme shyness or a social phobia and end up being afraid of moving forward in life. Not all kids will develop psychological or emotional fears because of overprotective parents, but it can be one of several factors that slows down their personal development and inner strength to move forward toward the next stage of life. Yes, we love our kids, but remember, part of that love is to equip them and prepare them to one day leave the nest to literally launch forward, just like a space shuttle launch sequence at Kennedy Space Center.

Think about all of the years of planning and thousands of challenges that have to be overcome to create a successful launch into space. Literally everything that takes place for the years leading up to a rocket or orbiter launch date is done to safely and strategically accomplish the goal of getting that rocket into space and to another place. That’s the driving force of those NASA engineers- to get that bird off the ground at Cape Canaveral and into orbit toward the stars.

I love the line from the movie, “Astronaut Farmer” (staring Billy Bob Thornton), where the father-in-law tells his wanna-be astronaut son-in-law, “I really respect you son. Most dad’s can’t get their families to share a meal at the table together and you- you’ve got your whole family dreaming together!” The film shows the power of never giving up on a life-long dream of orbiting the earth, and more importantly the courage, patience and teamwork of a whole family coming together to make that dream a reality.

Space flight can be a lot like parenting, we spend years getting them ready to have a successful launch because one day we know that we will have to do a launch sequence to countdown the days as they head out to another stage of life. This is the way that God designed it- kids are supposed to move out and move on to build lives of their own. If overprotective parents stall that process, it scrubs the launch and leaves the child stranded on the launch pad, while their peers are blasting off toward early success in life. No one wins and it often sets the child up for tremendous problems that could have been solved if the parents had taken a different and more directive approach.

Blast off- or blow up?

When kids are well equipped to launch into early success during their young adult years they soar and it’s a joy to watch. If you have ever seen a launch from Kennedy Space Center in Florida you know what I mean- words can hardly describe the power and the sheer excitement of knowing that not even gravity can stop that rocket from what it was designed to do- blast off toward the stars! However, when what I’ve been referring to as the parenting ‘launch sequence’ is interrupted by well meaning, (or sometimes fearful) parents they often blow up, because the kids crash in some way. Sadly, these days it seems there are more crashes than successful launches. (And you are probably thinking about someone you know stuck in this painful process right now).

So what to do? Here are some parenting tips to coach you through the process of parenting strategies through every stage of childhood to build strong kids now, so they can one day go out and build successful lives as adults. That’s a parent’s job, to give them the roots of belief and then equip them with the wings of healthy resources to fly.

When this process happens, a child grows through each stage of life with a better experience and then grows stronger from the momentum of moving forward in a powerful way because they were set up to win by parents who weren’t afraid to point them toward the stars and launch into the life that God designed for them to live.

Parenting Stages to build strong kids:

Here are some of the key developmental stages and strategies to guide you toward a successful launch with your child.

Birth to puberty, (ages 0-12)-

Kids need a 'caretaker' who can teach and help with daily tasks and skills while the child gradually is learning these skills from their parent, especially in the important areas of self-discipline and responsibility. Psychologist John Trent calls this process ‘soft love mixed with hard love’, (See “The Two Sides of Love” published by Focus on the Family Publishing, 1999)

Puberty to College Years, (12-21)-

The parenting strategy to use during the teen years is a combination of part counselor and part coach to help guide through the emotional issues of building relationships and dealing with hurt feelings; while balancing the tasks of learning to deal with difficulties in life and making wise educational or career choices.

College years to Adulthood, (21-30)-

I believe that we always need our parents- it’s just that the need changes as we grow older. Little kids need a parent to help with personal hygiene, teens need their parents to help them develop healthy habits and by this stage young adults need honest advice and direction. These years are a great time for the parent/adult-child relationship to prosper since the young adult is out on their own dealing with life, yet still needs a 'consultant' to bounce ideas off of as their build a life independent of their parents to firmly establish a life of their own.

I want you to know that millions of other parents have successfully launched their child from birth toward adulthood and you can too. There is a sign in the launch control room of the Kennedy Space Center that says it well, “It takes a team- to launch a dream.”

Know that you are not alone in this process. There are hundreds of resources available at our website as well as links to dozens of other groups that are driven by the desire to help you experience the great joy of watching a dream take flight, as well as provide the tools and training to help you if you’ve already crashed to get past the nightmare and not be afraid to dream again about what your son or daughter could be when they launch into a life of their own.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable counseling resource every week, visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005 in Winter Park, FL"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 200 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Dangers of Media "Riptides"

support@wellness.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:57:16 Z

Wellness.com - Dangers of Media "Riptides" by dwight bain

Positive steps to protect kids from negative media exposure

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach & Author

If you live near an ocean, you know about riptides, which are highly dangerous currents that can rip your legs out from under you and sweep you out into the ocean depths in a matter of seconds. If you try to fight the current, you will drown as dozens of people in Florida do every year. These silent and powerful ocean currents can overpower even the strongest of swimmers because the size and force of the waves become completely overwhelming. There is only one way to escape and save your life so listen carefully; “Don’t try to fight the riptide, just flow with it as you swim parallel to the shoreline. In a few dozen feet you will be out of the strong current and can safely swim back to the shore.”

So, if you have to deal with a dangerous ocean riptide, you have three choices… First- stay out of the water (and don’t let anyone you love go near it either). Second, pretend that riptides don’t exist and try to stay in the shallow water with hopes you never get swept away to drown in the depths. Third, learn how to swim safely out of the dangerous current and teach the people you love how to do the same. That way the ocean isn’t a scary place that could snatch you or a family member away in a blink of an eye- rather it becomes a serene place to sit and relax, or a place to make memories with your family or friends. When you and your kids learn how to use this life-saving advice you can spend your time at the beach having fun, instead of living in fear of the ocean.

Media riptides are even more dangerous

Media can be very similar to the description of riptides above because it can silently and rapidly become a powerful force that sweeps away unsuspecting kids or adults with even more dangerous consequences. Mass-media is like an ocean because there are so many new technologies that reach into every corner of our daily lives. To show you how big this media ‘ocean’ really is, consider the many ways we are exposed to hearing, seeing or experiencing some form of multi-media from this partial list below.

Television, radio, CD’s, DVD’s, VHS videos, magazines, newspapers, direct mail, billboards, handbills, signs, movies, MP3 music players or other portable downloadable media players, hundreds of channels of cablevision programming for television, iPod’s and high resolution cell-phones, accessing the Internet via the world-wide web on home computers with dial-up, broadband or wireless Internet service, the new technology of high-definition (HD) television, HD radio, and the ability to play any one of thousands of realistic video games on a laptop, home computer, video game system, cell phone or even through the pull down DVD players mounted in the roof of many new cars!

Media is flooding into our lives from every direction because this ocean of technology and communications is growing larger by the nanosecond.

MEDIA TRENDS
• 20% of households in the US have at least one big screen TV
• Video game sales are now a $10 billion per year industry
• 33% of homes with Internet access in US also have high-speed access
• Teenagers time in front of a computer has doubled over the last six years
• Kids now spend up to 35 hours per week in front of electronic screens in addition to any academic studies and that number is rising every year!
As more and more media flows into every aspect of our daily lives, it creates two distinctively different groups- watchers & doers. One group is actively connected to media, so they spend more time watching life, while the other group is growing more disconnected from media so they have the time to be more actively involved in doing life.

Kids, teens, adults and even senior adults can become overwhelmed by the flood of media images that can sweep even the strongest person into missing out on good things in life because of wasted time watching life instead of living it. Others do more than waste time- they get washed away from their basic values because of continual exposure to unmentionable web images that drown their conscious minds into the depths of darkness and depravity

“The Internet is a dangerous, dangerous thing
and parents have to know what’s going on.” ~ Dr. Phil McGraw

Here’s an common example to show how seemingly harmless media can steal away happiness at home. Media experts believe that some guys park in front of the tube on a Friday night and then proceed to watch as much as 30 hours of televised sports and cable news over the rest of the weekend while totally ignoring their family. Are they ‘super fan’s’ or just distant dads? Even though they might say they’re just really serious about the sport, in reality I believe that guys who spend that much time in front of the TV are doing the same thing as anybody else who is just wasting time by watching endless hours of sitcoms, soaps, movies, news, surfing the web or playing hour after hour of video games.

They are spending huge blocks of time in entertainment to try and escape something in their daily life because that is always the motivation behind habitual or compulsive behavior. You may have to dig to find it, but there is always some area of dysfunctional process going on when there is some form of addictive behavior present. Media can become an addiction for wounded or worried people no matter how much they try and deny that media really isn’t a problem for them because they could ‘turn it off anytime they wanted.’ The Nile is a river in Egypt that flows north, Denial is a part of escapism that flows away from the reality of something fearful inside the person who doesn’t want to deal with that part of life. Ignoring problems don’t make them go away- it simply makes them bigger, so any area of media usage that seems terribly out of balance for you, your kids or someone in your family should be brought up and discussed; instead of ignored as they silently are swept away by a flood of negative media exposure.

Benefits of Entertainment

Entertainment is beneficial when you need to take a break and turn your mind off to rest for a while. God designed our bodies to need rest 1/3 of every day and even more if you recall the example given in the book of Genesis where God rested on the seventh day to model healthy behavior for mankind to practice each week as well. Just like high-performance machines need some down-time for maintenance and repair, we know our bodies function best when there is regular time for rest and recharging. Media tends to steal this essential quiet time with distractions, interruptions and time wasters that prevent complete rest and recharge because there is always something on TV, radio or the Internet that has nothing to do with adding value to our health, life or relationships, yet can still pull our focus away from the importance of achieving a more complete rest.

Now, contrast the differences between Entertainment where you might just watch a sport with the actual Experience of playing a sport, involving increased activity or sweat. One group are pushing themselves to a new level of exertion or competition; while the other group quietly is watching a satellite or video taped episode of someone else on the field playing their hearts out. Here are some of the startling differences between the two primary methods of interacting with the growing flood of media choices.

Entertainment or Experience ?

Passively watching or Actively doing ?

Leisure, (no sweating) or Energetic, (sweating likely)?

No discipline required or Discipline required ?

No health benefit or Some health benefit ?

Isolation, (mostly alone) or Social connection with others ?

No teamwork required or Teamwork may be required ?

Tendency to self-focus or Tendency to focus on others ?

“I want to watch this” or “Let’s vote on what to do next" ?
Connect to media images or Connect to real people ?
Empty feeling afterwards Energized feeling afterwards ?

There is another major difference between how these two groups tackle life and that is about what you wear on the outside. Think about if for a second. You can join in just about any form of entertainment by wearing ugly or baggy clothes, perhaps even your pajamas! However, if you are headed out to connect with other people through some type of shared experience there is an obvious tendency to focus attention given on some type of acceptable dress code or uniform. For instance, most golf courses require a very specific dress code to play, as do many tennis courts. Scuba divers need a certain type of equipment, as do bowlers and mountain bikers, and of course everyone knows that all basketball players wear their favorite brand of shoes!

Playing a game of catch in the front yard is a much better connection point than watching a child play a video game of catch in the family room. Moving away from passive to active approaches in dealing with media is essential if you want to reclaim your home from being a waste land of disconnected people who are growing even more distant because of media’s continual waves of distractions.

Media thieves come out late at night

Entertainment that steals time from other priorities is always a mistake, no matter how innocent it may seem at the time. Let me share a personal example of this process in my own struggles to maintain balance in media habits. Television news at bedtime- I’ve lost sleep time from trying to stay up and watch the news and then had times that I lost even more because of disturbing images that I saw on the news… far better to pray this prayer I learned in childhood, “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I, (or someone in my family or community), should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.” That prayer may seem a bit drastic or odd for a child to learn- but it came out of the reality my parents wanted me to learn that God is the only one who really could control the big stuff, which means that I don’t have to worry about major world events and can just focus on closing my eyes and resting instead of sitting up to stress over breaking news stories on CNN’s and fueling my own feelings of increased fear, worry or anxiety.

Re-creating positive energy

Real life experience is so much better than even the most engaging and realistic entertainment because if involves the basic foundation of “re-creating” positive energy. When you are having an ‘over-the-top’ experience, you are laying the foundation for a process that re-creates something powerful in yourself and in others. This deep spiritual and emotional dynamic is from the reality of living through an experience which generates a great deal of ongoing value in the present, while bringing back long term benefits for many years to come through positive memories that really can last a lifetime.

These type of experiences can be deeply emotional, relational or spiritual and are real and tangible and always bring positive power. Compare that with the reflection that entertainment creates about a real-life experience, but it’s only a temporary image from a brief encounter or exposure to some form of media. It’s not really bad- it’s just not real, which flows out of the major differences between a surface level image and a soul level sense of identity. Sort of like a popular media advertisement many years ago that asked, “is it real- or is it Memorex?”®

Self-Improve or Self-Destruct?

Positive life experiences create a tremendous deal of power through the re-creation process, which can keep you young at heart and because it often involves real activity, is usually good for your heart as well. Entertainment tends to shut off your brain and body since it’s more about watching others connect, (or pretend to connect) with something in life, then it is about finding and reaching out to generate a real connection with others who want to grow stronger or self improve in some way. (However, with the incredible popularity of on-line video gaming you can actually reach out to hundreds of people somewhere in the world 24/7 who will temporarily connect as you play the game together. I suspect that this might create some degree of improvement to your hand-eye coordination, but it’s not a real improvement to your head through equipping of new skills; or a real improvement to your heart through encouraging words or lasting relationships ).

You may point out that self-improvement isn’t a driving force behind many popular forms of media because many television shows are written and designed as a ‘mindless’ or silly distraction to avoid the stress of the day, and I would agree to a point. What concerns me isn’t the abundance of silly shows that make us giggle, (I like those too), rather it’s the apparent lack of structured shows that make us grow.

I believe that life is continually changing which forces you to either take positive action to self-improve or you end up self-destructing by default. If you choose to believe that your exposure to media is only a neutral issue that doesn’t have much of an impact on you or your kids, then you are in the highest risk category to be swept away by the tsunami sized waves of new media that are already building up speed and size as they zoom toward us in the weeks and months ahead.

Massive Waves of Change:

If you don’t believe that media is zooming forward with massive new technologies, then consider the rapid changes in our culture since 1985, when VHS home video cameras were just becoming popular and nobody you knew even had a fax machine. Media has flooded our lives over the last twenty years in such a way that personal cell phones have gone from being a rare luxury for executives to a common part of life for teenagers… or even more telling, think of how many outdated cell-phones, cassette tape recorders, old computer monitors, worn out inkjet printers or non-cable ready television sets are sitting right now somewhere in a dusty corner of your garage or utility room. Media has changed so much of how we live that many young children don’t really know what a typewriter is or how to quickly use a rotary dial telephone or change channels on a television set that doesn’t have a remote control. Buckle up- bigger changes are coming!

Not paying attention to media images in your home for adults and kids or not openly setting boundaries on what is or isn’t safe in your family’s use of the Internet or cable television is like allowing kids who don’t know how to swim to play around in the shallow part of strong currents. To not know how to swim and then be let loose with a remote control and a few hundred channels or a few hundred thousand websites and a wireless mouse is like pushing a kid out into the deep end with no life jacket. It’s like inviting terrorists to hang out in your home or baby-sit your kids while telling yourself that they really aren’t that bad and probably won’t bring disaster and destruction to the people who mean the most to you. Wake up! Media can be dangerous, and is most dangerous to the ones who ignore the warning signs where riptides have swept others away.

To avoid taking bold action with media exposure is irresponsible because it sets kids up to fail from being mentally swept away from their protective core values which keep us focused and on track toward the things that matter most, instead of carelessly getting caught up in a current of wasted hours and careless mistakes. Core values can protect us from the dangers in the very dark side of media, because they serve to light out path and guide our steps.

One other significant challenge that can flood into our lives, but is often forgotten is how entertainment can suck up so much time, energy and money, leading to the potential health problems that are associated with a sedentary lifestyle. You’ve probably already heard about the dangers associated with childhood obesity, which you can protect your child from simply by getting them up to experience life, instead of just sitting to be entertained by it.

The remote control can be used for parents to reclaim control

Does this mean that you should never watch a game on TV or movies with your kids? Of course not! Media should add value to your life, not steal it. It means you have to get honest with the real reasons behind the viewing habits in your home. Understand what motivates you or the kids to do things, especially any activity that might stand in the way of a more balanced and healthy life. Talk about it, deal with problems or out of balance areas at once. Even seemingly innocent things, like watching old reruns of “Leave it to Beaver” or trying to sell stuff on E-Bay, could become a roadblock to experiencing real life if you let it get out of balance with other, more important priorities in life. Leonardo da Vinci was likely thinking through the same issue when he said,

“Just as iron rusts from disuse, so does inaction spoil the intellect.”

So how can you swim in the waves of media washing up and not get swept away? Start by asking yourself some hard but important questions, because it’s the only way to protect you, or the kids you love from being harmed by media.

• “Does this activity help me or my family to have a deeper level of spiritual or relational connection together?”

• “Will this media bring peaceful contentment to our home-life?”

• “Would I let someone with the kind of language or lifestyle as reflected in this film actually hang out with my kids on a daily basis?

• WWJW… What would Jesus watch? (or even on a more personal level, what would your grandmother not be embarrassed for you to watch?)

• Would you be embarrassed to be seen on a new reality TV show viewing whatever it is that steals your time and energy at home?

• Are you ready to get real and reclaim the time-energy or money that has been wasted in media so you can gain a clear direction to a better future of connecting as a family- instead of feeling lost and lonely with the people you live around who may already be drowning in media addictions?

Here’s the basic formula that even a small child can understand, so work it into your regular schedule and common discussions about how your family can play in the shallow end of media, while not being swept away in the depths of despair. Here’s the balancing formula to protect the process of recreating energy from positive experiences, while still enjoying some of the breaks that come from the benefits of entertainment. Regularly compare the differences of:

Entertainment, (watching life) with Life Experiences, (living life)

Finally, learn to be gut level honest about the real motivations and reasons behind why you do things you do as an adult before trying to convince a child or teenager that it’s okay for you to watch it, but not them. If you act or sound like a hypocrite, they will eat you alive as they point out your inconsistencies! Better is to be honest about the real reasons. If you want to relax by watching a sailing regatta; good, enjoy it! Make some popcorn. Light an aromatherapy candle. Stretch out on the couch. Take a mental break. All of these things help you because they can soothe your soul. That process is important and necessary for kids or adults to know how to do in maintaining a healthy balance, both now and for the rest of their lives.

However, if you end up agitated that your crew didn’t win, or just spend three hours surfing through channels looking for something else to watch to escape the pressures you don’t want to deal with in your life; then you missed the benefit and value those three hours could have given you. You would have been better off to have taken a nap, or taken the dog for a long walk, or called a friend just to chat and catch up about their life. Any thing would have been better than wasting hours being swept away in the current of mindless media. If you do that, you are wasting your time. And when you waste time, you’re wasting your life.

Choose wisely to avoid the fear of the waves

You do get to choose how to deal with this growing ocean of media choices. Take positive action and choose wisely in preparing to swim away from the dangerous riptides in media and you will never have to live in fear of drowning in negative media again. You will be able to move from fear of media flooding into your home, to enjoying the benefits that this mighty ocean of options brings to you and your family. Education, spiritual growth, creative hobbies, connection with friends and family in any part of the world, personal development, fun games, laughter, building empathy or compassion by experiencing what life would be like in someone else’s situation, and the list of benefits goes on and on since there are tremendously positive things that this new ocean can bring to your doorsteps.

However, if you choose poorly and watch someone you love be caught up in the currents that sweep away values you will be filled with regret and grief over how much you wish you would have taken positive action before it was too late.

Let me challenge you to do everything possible to take action to protect yourself and those you care about by getting involved, becoming educated, talking, listening, asking questions and setting boundaries right now before it’s too late! Take every step you can to prevent these powerful media messages from stealing your time, family traditions or faith and values. I believe the best way to do this is to make real memories as often as possible in front of your own camera by taking snapshots of your family, laughing, playing and enjoying the power of positive experiences together.

This way you aren’t watching some other family in a situation comedy on television trying to figure out their life at home; you will be living out what it means to be a family as you find greater fulfillment in living out reality in your own home than anything the entertainment world could ever imagine possible.

Need help with media ‘swimming lessons’?

I believe your home should be a place of peace and safety that gets better over time because each person is growing in greater love and connection to the other people in their family. However, if your home has been a chaotic place of disconnected arguments or power struggles about media choices, here are some websites to help you take bold action to educate yourself about the pressure points that may be facing your family with movies, music, television, websites, and countless other forms of media that can harm you or someone you love.

Study this information now as it applies to you and your own family situation so you can develop strategies to tackle the hidden currents and silent media messages that may have been stealing from your family for years. The good news is that you can make positive choices in your home and when you do, it will bring a positive difference to your family as everyone learns to swim away from the dangers of media riptides, while enjoying the beneficial things that entertainment can bring us and never worrying again about how to get safely back to the shore.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2008), To receive this valuable counseling resource every week, visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005 in Winter Park"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 200 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Kids and War Anxiety- What Can Parents Do?

support@wellness.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:55:42 Z

Wellness.com - Kids and War Anxiety- What Can Parents Do? by dwight bain

by: Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

In the midst of war situations around the world, many parents are wondering what can be done to protect their kids from additional stress and anxiety. Here are some helpful steps to make sure your son or daughter is not worried about world events or wars, so they can be focused on just enjoying being a child.

Watch for the warning signs of anxiety.

Here are some of the symptoms and behaviors that may indicate your child has been overexposed to the traumatic emotions that follow a crisis situation. Remember that your main goal is to protect the child and not minimize or deny their emotional symptoms. The more symptoms present, the greater the need for the child to receive additional support and care from family, clergy, or a counseling or medical professional.

- Major changes in energy level, especially lethargy or helplessness
- Heightened fear and worry about war situations, or being bombed or attacked
- Changes in sleep patterns, especially nightmares or night terrors
- Regressive behavior, (e.g. "baby talk", clingy to parents or bedwetting)
- Preoccupation with loss of parents or being stranded without parents
- Major shift in school performance, aggression, withdrawal or apathy
- Angry explosions or depressive moodiness
- Withdrawal from normal activities at home, church or school
- Avoidance of friends, family or pets by going into an emotional "cocoon"

Any of the above symptoms are normal reactions to a crisis and may not indicate a need for professional counseling, however it is important to watch for major changes in your child's attitude, personality or behavior to know how to help them cope. Here are some action steps that you can begin to use to reduce pressure on your children and keep them emotionally and physically safe.

What can parents do to lessen the impact of war anxiety?

Here are some positive action steps that you can take to help your child avoid the negative impacts of anxiety over a war situation anywhere in the world.

Take care of yourself

Since children draw much of their security from their parents, it is important to keep yourself well grounded and supported. Spend more time with healthy family, friends or church members during this time to make sure that you aren't overly anxious and subtly passing that anxiety along to your children. Just like the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling of the plane and the flight attendants instruct parents to put their masks on first, you have to stay as balanced as possible to effectively care for your child during this stressful time.

Be aware and be available

World crisis events are a time for extra precautions, but not extra fear. Notice your surroundings, and if the child is old enough, you can talk about the importance of being safe by locking doors, or looking up and noticing cars in parking lots that may be backing out, (as opposed to running through parking lots like children have a tendency to do). Pay more attention to being available for your child, to talk, pray or play. As you heighten your level of involvement and support, your child will be less likely to feel afraid.

Watch your talk

It is recommended that you never discuss your greatest fears with your children, but rather use discernment in discussing your opinions about war situations on the telephone or with your friends or coworkers if your child could overhear the conversation. Wisdom requires you to guard your tongue around children during difficult times to protect them from being overly worried or afraid. It is okay to discuss the facts of a war with older children, but then move into a discussion of how we should pray for our troops defending our freedoms, and how there sacrifices allow us to feel safe in this country. Talk is one of the best ways to help a child feel secure, so ask questions and then just listen to allow your child a chance to release their fears in a safe way.

Monitor media and guard images

Television images are extremely powerful and vivid in a child's mind. With this in mind, you should take great care to avoid having the television on 24/7, but rather limit the exposure to media images. If you feel like you do have to have the set on, (which is not recommended), then turn the sound off. Talk about the positives of your family being together, or an answered prayer, instead of focusing on the negative elements of a war situation. Guide your children into working on the elements of what is happening in their world, as opposed to events on the other side of the world. Protecting your child from harsh media images will protect them from having to struggle to get those images out of their head in the future, and that makes for a healthier and happier child.

Routine, schedule and rules

Children draw security from a predictable schedule. Build a regular set of morning and evening rituals, like getting ready for school or bedtime stories or prayer time; also pay attention to include meal time and personal hygiene rituals that are age appropriate for your child. Even little guys and gals can help to take their plate from the table to the kitchen counter, or take more ownership of their daily rituals. This actually takes stress off of Mom and Dad as the child grows in independence through the years, but it is even more helpful for the child to feel the sense of empowerment from knowing what do to as they begin and end their day. The rules are always the rules, even if there is a war, so be consistent with your family boundaries to help everyone feel more secure by not allowing chaos to erupt from neglecting the established rules for household behavior.

Reconnect to family, friends and faith

Crisis events are an excellent time to reach out to spend more time with friends or family members. If you don't have family nearby, connect with a local church or house of faith that has activities designed for you and your child. The additional socialization will help to build a sense of security from having others to go through this experience with, as well as allow every member of your family to be more aware of God's love and protection. As a suggestion, read Bible verses on finding comfort during difficult times, like this one in Psalm 91: 9-10: "If you make the most High your dwelling-even the Lord, who is my refuge-then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." The Bible has hundreds of reassuring promises of peace and comfort during fearful times. Now is a perfect time to search out those verses and teach your children the importance of a personal faith of strong beliefs to directly face the challenges of life.

Focus on hope, instead of helplessness

Don’t be afraid, because our country will make it through these difficult times. As you build these coping skills and life management principles into your home, your children will actually be stronger and less afraid of crisis events because they will be more aware of how to face their anxiety with the assurance of God's supernatural protection and peace. Know that you are not alone so keep reading helpful articles like this to stay positive from gaining practical insights on helping you and your kids to grow stronger during times of stress in the days ahead.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly counseling resource as our gift just visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org "

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 200 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Failure to Finish School

support@wellness.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:31:01 Z

Wellness.com - Failure to Finish School by dwight bain

4 key factors to guide unmotivated students toward academic success

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

Have you ever wondered why so many students get close to the ‘finish line’ of a semester or even graduation and then fail to finish? Parents, teachers, guidance counselors and tutors can be cheering for a student to push forward to finish strong and sometimes they just sit down and give up. You’ve probably seen it. A bright young person starts out with promise and potential and then halfway through a semester they literally run out of gas and ‘check out’ as it’s called because they completely lose the motivation to finish school.

Academic Atomic Bombs

When a student ‘checks out’ it isn’t because they don’t know what to do. You can tell them continually that they should be doing their homework, turning in class work, completing reports and playing by the rules to get good grades and move forward with their academic career. Yet they won’t do it. You can beg, you can plead, but basically they stop doing the right thing to oftentimes doing nothing. Since schools reward behavior that is measurable, it’s like creating an academic atomic bomb that literally ‘blows up’ their grades which can wreck a future transcript.

You may be thinking that this is an overreaction, yet many colleges and even prep schools look first at the transcript before they look at the person. If you have ignored, neglected or abused your grades it will hurt your academic future. Yes, I know, schools and universities should look at the person, they should look at character traits or consider someone who is nice or likable, but the fact of the matter is they look at academic performance by looking at grades. If someone ‘checks out’ and gives up on trying to finish strong it will cost them, and if you are the parent or guardian paying for their future education, it will cost you too.

Fear of Success

Failure to Finish isn’t limited to students in school. It can show up in many different areas of life. People who know they should send a thank you note for a kindness given and then procrastinate forever and never get around to it. Creative types with a good idea they believe would help others and maybe make a lot of money, but they just can’t quite get the paperwork filled out to file a patent; then next thing you know they see their idea on an aisle at Wal-Mart and kick themselves for not following up.

I wrote about this huge gap in people knowing what to do, but then never doing it in my book, ‘Destination Success’. Giving up before a big finish is actually driven by the fear of success because it’s not about getting the right information, the right facts, the necessary details. Nope, usually it’s more about the motivation to do what you know you should do. The fact that students fail to finish is in some ways representative of the adult world. Many people don’t do what they know they should do, and sadly many people suffer the consequences of missing out on a lot of joy in life because of it.

Missing the Marathon

If you have ever participated in a marathon you know what I’m talking about. I saw it during a Disney event my little sister Trish talked me into running. We prepared for months and she coached every step of the way on how to finish strong, yet only a few miles into the race there were literally thousands of people in front of us walking. Yes, I said walking! They missed the concept of 26.2, or at least my understanding of what the Greeks had in mind when they created a distance run that only counted if you finished! They missed the marathon concept, just like students miss the very basic idea that no matter how much fun, or misery they may experience in school- it only counts if you finish the race!

So why do so many give up within weeks of the ‘finish line’ at the end of a semester? Here are four main reasons.

1) Fearful
They are afraid about the future, about what life in the ‘adult world’ will be like or afraid to grow up in general. It’s normal to feel afraid, yet someone who is overwhelmed with fears can often become indecisive and ‘zone out.’ Since running away from reality feels easier than facing it for some people they completely deny what’s happening to their grades and future. Some do this in a passive way and just slowly sink, while others try to avoid reality by using substances or media to escape. Yet there is no avoiding the end of a semester, and the end of academic dreams if you let fear overtake your future success.

2) Friends
It’s true. Birds of a feather do flock together, and students who are unmotivated about finishing can find each other across a crowded room. Highly disciplined and super motivated students hang out together to challenge each other toward greater success, and the opposite is true about the undisciplined. Your son or daughter may begin to hang out with the wrong crowd to hide from facing their academic future. Sometimes it’s to irritate their parents, but more often than not it’s because they don’t fit in with the winners at the front of the race, so they just sit down and hang out with those who appear to not care about the educational race they are in… but if you look closely you will see the insecurity and doubt in their eyes.

3) Frustrated
This group could include parents and teachers, but I’m mostly thinking about students who are trying, but it’s just not coming together for them. They want to finish strong, but lack the horsepower to really pull out in front of the crowd. These students are at great risk, because they will face a choice. Finish with mediocre results and try again next semester, or just check out to avoid feeling the pain of not performing to their potential. I’ve especially seen this with highly creative or bright students who partied or procrastinated until the last minute and then couldn’t pull out their grades. Their frustration often comes out as anger directed toward the closest person to them, usually a mom. It’s not fair, but it happens because they let the frustration take over, which blocks their ability to finish strong.

4) Failing
Sadly this group is the easiest to spot because they checked out a long time ago. When a student has reached this level they are so unmotivated that they give up on even trying at the most basic of tasks so their grades become a ‘free fall’ down to zero. To totally and completely fail crushes confidence and for many the desire to try again; which leads many students to give up on school completely and just drop out.

Not finishing education makes sense to them at the time, but it costs them dollars and cents for a lifetime. Consider the numbers from the U.S. Census Bureau to see how expensive it is to give up on education.

Average Annual Salary based on Education Level
Masters degree $74,602
Bachelors degree $51,206
High School degree $27,915

Finding the energy to Finish

So how do you motivate an unmotivated student? Well you start by dealing with your own frustration so you can think clearly about a strategic plan to guide your son or daughter toward the better life that education can bring. Here’s the key areas I use to find a way to inspire a young person to get back in the race and find the energy to finish strong.

1) Insight
This often begins with the parent closest to the student because they already know so much about their personality, their character and their drives. The Bible has a verse that I pray every day, “If any many lacks wisdom let him ask God and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5). Insight is to ask God to reveal the special gifts and abilities that your student has, and no matter how far behind they may be they have some talents. It takes insight to see it and then it takes courage to stick with it to light the fire of desire in the heart of one who may have given up.

2) Interests
One you know which gifts, talents, abilities or skills that you are looking for in a student, the next part is to help them see how those unique gifts could be transferred into something so interesting that they really want to show up and learn more. There is an old saying that the curious are never bored, which is true. When a student is inspired about pursuing something interesting to them they can lose all track of time because they are fascinated with the topic they are studying.

3) Important
Once a student gets inspired to pursue the subjects that are interesting to them, the next element to add to stir up motivation is to discover what is important to them. What is valuable? What activities do they believe in? Everyone believes in something yet often haven’t taken time to explore to discover what causes or activities they are motivated to join.

Here’s a comprehensive list to use to help your student find what is interesting or important to them. Review the categories with your son or daughter to find a logical place to begin getting motivated again.

What is Interesting or Important to Motivate your Student?

ACADEMICS
Academic Achievement Award, Accelerated Reader, Essay Award, French Honor Society, Geography Bee, Girl Scouts Bronze Award, Honor Roll, Junior National Society, National Jr. Honor Society, Perfect Attendance, Poetry, Reading, Reading Olympiads, Reflections, Writing Essay, Science Olympiads, Spanish National Honor Society, Spelling Bees

ACHIEVEMENTS
F.C.C.L.A, Future Educators of America, Future Farmers of America, Future Problem Solvers, Geography Club, German Club, Girls Athletic Association, Girl Scouts, G.R.E.A.T. Program, History Club, International Club, Journalism Club, Junior Achievement, Junior Beta Club, Junio, Classical League, Key Club, L.O.G.O.S. Youth Program, Latin Club, Letterman Club, Math Club, Math Team, M.E.S.A., Mountain Biking Club, Model UN, Multi-Cultural Club, National Junior Beta Club, National FAA Organization, National Forensic League, Newspaper Club, Odyssey of the Mind, Outdoors Club, People to People Student Ambassador Program, Pep Club, Photography Club, P.R.I.D.E. Program, Quill & Scroll Society, Quiz Bowl, Robotics Club, Running Club, S.A.D.D., S.A.V.E., Science Club, Scrabble Club, Service Club, Sign Language Club, Ski Club, Spanish Club, Speech Team, Sports Club, Stars Club, Stock Market Club, Student Advisory Committee, Student Council Member, Student Government Assoc., Technology Club, Temple Youth Group, Varsity Club, Vocational Industrial Club, Winter guard, Yearbook Staff, Y-Club (YMCA), U.S. Achievement Academy, Youth Leadership Program

ACTIVITIES
4-H Club, Academic Team, Acteens, Awana, Assisteens, Beta Club, Bible Club, Builders Club, Book Club, Boy Scouts, Boys & Girls Club, C.A.R.E. Program, Chess Club, Church Youth Group, Civil Air Patrol, Computer Club, Dance Club, Drama Club, Debate Team, D.E.C.A., English Club, Environmental Club, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Foreign Language Club, French Club, Future Business Leaders of America, Class Officer, Class Representative, Community Volunteer, Hospital Aid, Library Aide, Editor, Photographer, Reporter Office Aide, Peer Mediator, Peer Tutor, Red Cross Aide/Volunteer, Junior Engineering Technical Society, Safety Patrol, Special Olympics Volunteer, Student Ambassador, Teacher’s Aide, Yearbook Editor, Yearbook Photographer, Yearbook Reporter, Astronomy, Babysitting, Computers, Cooking, Making Models, Modeling, Pageantry, Painting, Photography, Playing Guitar, Playing Piano, Playing Violin, Playing Drums, Scrap booking, Sewing, Mystery Shopper, Singing, Traveling, Spending Time w/ Family & Friends, Video Games, Writing Stories, Writing, Poetry

ARTS
Acting, Art, Arts & Crafts, Dancing, Drawing, Acapella Choir, Acrobatics, Art Club, Band, Chorus, Orchestra, Ballet, Baton Twirling, Band, Chamber Orchestra, Choir, Chorus, Church Choir, Church Dance Team, Church Drama Team, Church Musicals, Church Plays, Drum Major, Drum Majorette, Clogging, Color Guard, Community Theater, Dance Team, Drama, Drill Team, Flag Corps, Handbell Choir, Hip Hop Dance, Irish Step Dance, Jazz, Jazz Band, Jazz Dance, Marching Band, Modern Dance, Music, Orchestra, Praise Dance, Pep Band, School Choir, School Musicals, School Plays, Show Choir, Stage Crew, Step Team, Swing Chorus, Symphonic Band, Talent Shows, Tap Dance, Variety Shows,

ATHLETICS
Archery, Badminton, Baseball, Basketball, Biking, Billiards, Boating, Bowling, Boxing, Camping, Canoeing, Cheerleading, Cross Country, Dirt Biking, Diving, Field Hockey, Fishing, Flag Football, Floor Hockey, Fencing, Football, Golf, Gymnastics, Pop Warner Score Keeper, Sports Reporter, Sports Manager, Presidential Physical Fitness Award, Gymnastics, Hiking, Horseback Riding, Hunting, Ice Hockey, Ice Skating, Karate, Kayaking, Lacrosse, Motocross, Paintball, Pom Pom Squad, Powder-Puff Football, Racquetball, Rock Climbing, Rollerblading, Roller Hockey, Roller Skating, Rugby, Running, Sailing, Scuba Diving, Skateboarding, Skating, Skeet Shooting, Snow Skiing, Skimboarding, Snowboarding, Snowmobiling, Soccer, Softball, Surfing, Swimming, Table Tennis, Black Belt/Tae Kwon Do, Tennis, Track, Track & Field, Tumbling, Volleyball, Wakeboarding, Water Skiing, Water Polo, Weightlifting, Woodworking, Wrestling, Yoga

Now that you have generated the insight to map out the key areas that motivate your student you are ready for the final stage.

4) Identity
When a student has figured out who they are, and what they enjoy doing, they are actually living out their purpose and having fun doing it! Perhaps the huge success of the Disney television movies, “High School Musical” is because it shows what most students would like their school experience to be. At this level a young person is totally excited about going to school because when they know why they are going it’s not hard to stay in the race. In fact, it makes it easy to move from a failure to finish to moving forward with a new dedication to finish strong!

Bonus Scholarship Strategies!

When a student gets motivated to be their best their grades will improve as will their confidence. As confidence grows they are more motivated and it opens up new doors of opportunity for future academic success. The process doesn't stop there, because as these newly motivated students move forward the financial opportunities for someone else to step up and pay for their education is amazing. You can try it too! Just log on to any of the following websites to begin the search for extra educational income so your son or daughter can move forward to a new level of academic and career success.

"I Don't Want to Pay for www.cappex.com/scholarships
College"
College Board www.collegeboard.com
College Net www.collegenet.com
FAFSA (Financial Aid) www.fafsa.ed.gov
Fast Aid www.fastaid.com
Fast Web www.fastweb.com
Financial Aid www.financialaid.com
FL Funding Publications www.floridafunding.com
Free Scholarship Search www.freschinfo.com/search-main.com
Go College www.gocollege.com
Petersons Educational Portal www.petersons.com
Scholarship www.scholarships.com
Valencia Foundation www.valencia.org
Wired Scholar www.wiredscholar.com/scholarships
FinAid www.finaid.org
NARFE-FEEA www.narfe.org
Holocaust Remembrance www.holocaust.hklaw.com
College Prowler www.collegeprowler.com/scholarship
Maryknoll Essay www.societymaryknoll.org
Ranger Battalions Ass. of WWII www.rangers-army.org
Flipnot Innovations www.flipnot.com
Brianstorm USA www.brainstormusa.com
CosmoGirl! www.cosmogirl.com/borntolead
Brickfish Scholarship www.brickfish.com
Navy League Foundation www.navyleague.org/scholarships
Horatio Alger Scholarship www.horatioalger.com
The Anne Ford Scholarship www.LD.org
Ronald McDonald House www.rmhc.org
Cappex Hardship Scholarship www.cappex.com/scholarships
American Fire Sprinkler www.afsascholarship.org
Into the Best, Inc/Free Will www.intothebest.com
Women Marine Association/ www.womenmarines.com

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To subscribe to this valuable weekly resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.

Frozen by the Fear of Wrong Decisions

support@wellness.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:29:19 Z

Wellness.com - Frozen by the Fear of Wrong Decisions by dwight bain

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach

One of my favorite sayings to share with people facing a major decision is "you always have options." Yet in challenging times people are often so frozen by fear from making a wrong decision that they don't make a decision at all and life passes them by. Think of how many events in life are complicated or missed completely because of the roadblock of being afraid to fail by making a decision and then making that decision work...

Marriages that didn't happen because of a shy guy with cold feet
Promotions that never occurred because of the fear of asking for it
Scholarships left on a table somewhere because someone was afraid to fill out the paperwork
Trips to exotic places that were always talked about but never taken because no one sat down to schedule it
Relationships that failed because someone didn't decide to work on issues and quietly let things 'slip, slide away'
Forgiveness that was never granted because someone never got past the fear of saying that they were sorry
I've noticed that people will fit into one of the following levels when facing a major decision. Think about where you are in the process.

FIVE LEVELS FOR MAJOR DECISIONS

Level 1 - Go Numb and Do Nothing
This level is where an individual is so paralyzed by fear that they can't take action and may experience major signs or symptoms of distress. When someone feels numb inside, they often describe their life as being in a 'fog' and often crash in the process. This may be the most dangerous level of all.

Level 2 - Passive Pleasing
This level is about pleasing others in a very non-assertive way. The people pleaser personality is passively trying to avoid a conflict, yet often their quietness of not dealing with issues is covering up an emotional explosion that can erupt at any time. This person looks quiet and pleasant on the outside, yet often is irritated and frustrated on the inside.

Level 3 - Mediocrity in the Middle of the Road
When people are trying to be politically correct, they often will just sit in the middle of the road on an issue. Are they conservative or liberal? Do they see things as white or black? You never know because this person refuses to take a stand - often because they either don't care about the situation to have an opinion about it, or are afraid to say it. The risk of sitting in the middle of the road is that you will eventually be run over by a more direct personality who knows where they are going.

Level 4 - Active and Assertive Expression
If you know what you believe and are able to express it, then you are in a situation of active and assertive expression. People know where you stand because you tell them, instead of trying to hint around for them to read your mind. This level may lead to some hurt feelings on occasion, but those are soon forgotten because positive action eventually leads to positive results.

Level 5 - Energetic - Do It All with Enthusiasm
This level is a joy to watch develop in a person's life when facing a major decision. They KNOW that it's the right person to marry, or the right college to attend, or the best time to move on to a better career. There is such a degree of personal power in energetic decision makers that people just want to be around them to gain insight and strength to face the decisions they need to make in their own lives with more confidence. Everyone loves to be around level 5 decision makers because even if the things that need to change aren't pleasant, this individual is able to communicate in such a way that it is just natural to follow their lead.

As you think through the five levels of decision making, I hope you saw most of your personal or professional life in either level 4 or 5, because that is where the action is. You can't get results if you are frozen by the fear of being indecisive. Life is changing fast, and you must be focused on how to rapidly change with it if you want to be more successful.

Here is a LifeWorks Group exercise designed to coach you through the decision process. Hopefully you can use it today to rapidly sort through your options to come up with a rock solid decision and build a better future. So take out your legal pad, or map it out in an e-mail to review with a coach, mentor, or friend as you move from being frozen by fear to growing forward in greater faith because you have mastered the secrets to making right decisions.

STRATEGIC COACHING DECISION MAKING PROCESS
Define a particular problem, question, or choice you are currently struggling with
List your options for resolving the question or choice
Write the possible outcomes for each option, both short term and long term
Write the benefits or risks of each option
Determine which option corresponds most closely with your overall values and goals
Determine which option is the healthiest choice for all involved
Is this a decision you can commit to for a specified period of time, and if so how long?
Talk with a supportive/trusted person about the options and write down useful suggestions. (It may be tempting to skip this step, but this is one of the most valuable parts of gaining an objective perspective and to 'test' your ideas before you put them into practice).
________________________________________
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Please include the following paragraph in your reprint and thanks for helping us to help others by spreading the word. "Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009, by the LifeWorks Group)"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with almost 200 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Losing Love and Sex while Married

support@wellness.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:27:36 Z

Wellness.com - Losing Love and Sex while Married by dwight bain

By C. Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

Why do so many people lose love and sex while losing their marriage? Research shows many different factors that lead to relationship failure but let’s make it personal and explore some hidden reasons that move couples from ‘happy ever after’ to over to shattered dreams and hatred.

Jessica and Phillip have been dating six months. They spend long nights together talking about how good things are for them. It feels like they have shared their entire life’s history with each other, so Phillip eventually asks Jessica to marry him. They feel so “in love”, that she instantly says “yes”! Soon they are off to see their pastor for premarital counseling. They discuss finances, children, careers, houses, and in-laws as they map out what it would be like as they begin their lifetime together. One summer day they stand before God and their friends in a little church to say “I do”. Ironically, less than a year later they were in a counseling office complaining about all the things that are wrong with each other.

What went wrong?

Many couples wonder how they could have spent so much time together before the wedding and then completely miss the challenges that show up after the ceremony. They enthusiastically began the journey toward a lifetime of intimacy but get discouraged and sidetracked along the way. Many couples lack a true understanding of the deepest needs of their partner, including an understanding the important issue of communication, trust, romance, sexuality and how these factors all relate to marital intimacy.

Warning signs that your marriage is in trouble
1. When children become the exclusive focus of the marriage
2. When one marriage partner dominates, manipulates or controls the other
3. When blaming, shouting, sarcasm or abusive threats become the main form of communication
4. When addictive behaviors like drugs, gambling, pornography or alcohol are overwhelming one or both partners
5. When physical or sexual abuse occurs- because it won't get better without help, but it will get a lot worse
6. When sexual or financial issues are ignored or are a constant source of conflict
7. When trust is violated over money, unexplained absences or secretive behavior
8. When affection and kindness to each other ends
9. When outside factors (job stress, child conflicts, financial crisis) increase and steal the energy needed for an intimate relationship to work
10. When it is easier to discuss feelings with someone of the opposite sex other than your marriage partner, especially a 'work spouse'

You can talk to a professional counselor dedicated to helping your marriage recover right now by calling the LifeWorks Group at 407.647.7005

I believe that God created men and women to be in an intimate relationship. In Genesis 2:18, God recognized that Adam’s deepest needs were not being met and said, “It is not good that man should be alone.” Humans were created with needs that could only be met through an intimate relationship. God designed us to long for and receive love and acceptance from others. This begins in childhood when we look into our mom or dads eyes and their face reflects love and acceptance back to us. As infants, we should receive nurturing from our parents to meet our physical and emotional needs. If our needs are met in loving caring ways, then we grow to feel secure and loved and accepted. The problem is that many people are raised in families that don’t know how to love and nurture and reflect God’s love because of their own wounded emotions. It’s like the old saying…

Hurt People – Hurt People

Many people don’t even know what is wrong or missing in their lives or relationships but still spend a great deal of time and energy looking for it. That’s why people who are single spend so much time searching for someone to spend life with. Having someone accept us in a dating relationship leads to the normal expectation that we are going to get that deepest longing fulfilled in marriage a relationship can only be as healthy as the people in it.

Sex does not equal intimacy

Many people equate sexuality and intimacy. Nothing could be further from the truth! The physical intensity of experiencing sex is only a reflection of one part of a relationship. You may be asking, “How could a couple like Jessica and Phillip ever learn about intimacy and how to meet each other’s needs?” Well they have to start through understanding each other. Then they need to communicate their needs to each other. And frankly for most of us it will be impossible to really connect at the deepest level of a relationship, which is about trust, not sex.

Building a spiritual and emotional connection is the best way to meet your partners needs, because God can give you the strength to reach out in love to your mate even if your own needs are not currently being met. If Jessica begins to meet Phillip’s needs then Phillip will be “able” to respond back and begin to meet Jessica’s needs. It may seem backwards because our culture demands that we get our own needs met before we begin to meet someone else’s needs. Take care of yourself first, and if there is any energy left over, then reach out to help your partner. The truth is someone has to start the healing process toward marital connection, especially when things aren’t going well, and that someone is usually the healthiest one, which may be you!

There are countless books that deal with identifying our deepest and most intimate needs. They list the qualities of acceptance, affection, appreciation, approval, attention, comfort, encouragement, respect, security, and support. Take a moment to look over this list and pick out your own top three needs. Then guess your partner’s top three needs. Intimacy is described as “in-to-see-me”. If you take a risk and become vulnerable then you can share who you really are, and what you need. Once you feel safe enough to share those needs and feelings with your partner you will begin to experience intimacy in the relationship. Greater emotional and spiritual intimacy is the hidden key to achieving greater sexual intimacy. It starts on the inside psychologically and then flows into the physical. Basically deep intimacy starts in the brain before it ever flows into the feelings of romance or sexuality.

How can I communicate my deepest needs to my partner?

A very useful communication tool is the “I Message”. It goes like this. “I feel hurt when you talk to me in that tone of voice because it’s disrespectful and it doesn’t seem like you care about my feelings.”

“What I need is for you to approach me using respectful words or hugs. Using an “I Message,” communicates your deepest needs without attacking, blaming, criticizing or creating an argument. It is an appropriate way to share your deepest needs, which is the key to a more intimate relationship.

So, what is intimacy?

It is more than sex, and more than just being open with each other. It is learning to communicate at the deepest level of feelings, opinions, dreams and hopes about the future. It is about building closeness through the world of ideas, sharing moments of beauty, creating a playful and flirty life together, whether it is a date together or working on daily tasks. It is being able to face struggles, differences, problems and pain together and growing closer for having shared the experience. Many couples, like Jessica and Phillip, begin by sharing hours of talking, but their conversations are about surface events, entertainment or other peoples’ actions and opinions. Sometimes couples share their opinions, but unless they share their honest emotions and hopes for the future, they have not really experienced the depth of intimacy in communication needed for a fulfilling relationship that will last through riches and poverty, sickness and health, until death ends a lifetime of love.

If you long for this type of an intimate relationship or are experiencing difficulties in your marriage- don’t’ panic. I believe God designed marriages to succeed, so if you really want to have the best relationship possible He will show you the way. If things aren’t going well you may need some outside help because if you knew how to fix it on your own, you would have already done it. I challenge you to get help before you or your partner gets discouraged to the point of despair and gives up. There are professionals who can help you get back on track to enjoy an intimate marriage and the love of a lifetime that you deserve.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint
.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009), receive this valuable weekly resource by subscribing at www.LifeWorksGroup.org "

About the author- C. Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.

Mentors Make the Difference

support@wellness.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:26:27 Z

Wellness.com - Mentors Make the Difference by dwight bain

The benefits of having a leader come alongside to achieve greater results

By Dwight Bain, NCC, Founder of the LifeWorks Group of Counselors & Coaches

Last week I was honored to spend some time with Dr. Elmer Towns, co-founder of Liberty University, and a man who mentored me during graduate school. It was a great experience to catch up with an old friend, made even better because I could introduce him to Sheila and our teenage children. It was a blessing to hear this mentor to so many, sit and spend time talking to our kids about the value of having godly leaders who come alongside to invest in your life. While you may never have heard of Elmer Towns, so many things I do to help people today, I learned by watching him interact and mentor others back then.

When I met this man over 25 years ago I had no idea how much he would impact my future. There is an old saying I heard once that said, “When the student is ready, the teacher will come.” Often times you may not realize the tremendous value brought by the leaders around you, or the great opportunities to learn from them. Yet, if you are motivated and seeking direction, I believe that God will send someone with answers your way. If you have a student mindset to learn more- a mentor will come- you just have to be prayerfully watching. Here are some tips to help you in that process.

Who could be a mentor?

Mentors can come from many places- coaches, teachers, pastors, employers, grandparents or coworkers. I’ve benefited from the personal mentoring of men like Jerry Falwell, Steve Brown, Pat Williams, Dave Hurd, John Maxwell, Joe Christiano and Elmer Towns. However, you can also be mentored through a process I call, ‘mentoring one step removed,’ where you regularly study the teaching of a leader through books, audio, video or podcasted messages. Media can give you a lot of value from a mentor, and is a good start, yet it misses the importance of face to face contacts and accountability to stay focused. Mentors are committed to helping you grow into the person you were designed to be, so it’s a combination of teaching, guiding, challenging, role modeling and coaching to draw out your best, all within the framework of a relationship with honest accountability.

Mentors can make a huge difference, yet how do you go about finding one? Here are some key factors to get you started on your journey to grow faster and maximize your potential from reaching out to find a mentor.

Look for leaders with a lot of experience. Mentors are people who have ‘been there- and- done that’. They have a proven track record of knowing what to do because they have learned from their failures and leveraged their successes to achieve greater results. Nothing replaces experience in a master teacher or mentor, so anticipate that they will be older than you and often quite older.

Look for leaders who know what they believe. A mentor is a person who has strong convictions and has gone well beyond talking about their values to earnestly living them. If someone is wishy-washy about their core values and purpose in life they won’t have much to add to your journey, and may even become a roadblock by creating more doubt than personal discipline and strength. If they don’t believe in something they can talk it, but won’t be consistent in living it, and a good mentor is rock solid about matching their beliefs to their behavior.

Look for leaders who are inspired to help others. A mentor is motivated to make a difference, so be alert for people around you who want to do more with their life. You may not find a mentor who is a best-selling author or national television personality, yet is making a huge contribution in your local community. Don’t be distracted by the lack of formal education either. Some of the greatest role models didn’t have the advantages of advanced degrees, but they had earned their PhD from the school of hard knocks and know how to prevent you from taking wrong roads. So watch to see who really cares about people and you will find that they often will take time out to invest into the lives of those around them. Just ask.

Basic mentoring requires structure to grow strong
In a formal mentoring relationship there is a clearly defined structure of times to meet, clear goals, well defined expectations and accountability to keep you on a path of positive growth and change. In a less structured mentoring relationship there are times of teaching, encouraging and equipping, yet you have to be watching more closely because these training times come fast and often leave just as fast. Mentoring can be maximized by follow up calls, emails, text messages or hand written notes to challenge and inspire you to press on to reach your potential.

Remember that a successful mentoring process is closely tied to your hopes, dreams, goals, values and personality. If you are a quiet person of prayer, it is likely that you will connect best to a mentor with those personality traits. If you are a people person who is highly verbal, your mentor will likely have similar traits. I believe that God will send the right person to mentor you at different stages based on your progress and development. Sometimes well meaning parents will try to force an unmotivated son or daughter into the presence of a master teacher, yet it usually ends up being a complete waste of time. Bottom line- stay ready to grow and you will meet the most amazing people along the way, yet usually when you least expect to find them. And if you aren’t growing you won’t meet mentors because they will walk on by to invest in someone who wants to make the world a better place- instead of just taking up space.

Elmer Towns was a tremendous mentor who made a huge impact on my life. Here are a few of the key success principles I learned from this master teacher that made a positive difference, which I hope will add greater value to your life as well.

1) Have a vision and keep moving forward, no matter what
Elmer Towns partnered with Jerry Falwell in 1971 to build one of the fastest growing universities in the country. These men faced impossible odds together and often stood up to incredible challenges, yet always with courage and faith. I never saw either of these men discouraged, at work, at the university or at home. You and I can benefit by knowing the vision for our life and then press on, no matter what comes against us. To know where you are going and press on with perseverance is a key to lasting success.

2) Continually be training the next generation of young leaders
Dr. Towns has always been passionate about training young people. This positive empowering of younger leaders modeled the style of Socrates, Plato and of course, the teaching style Jesus Christ used with the twelve disciples. Clearly, no one lives on this planet forever, so it is essential to be equipping others to carry on the work if you want to make a positive and lasting difference in the world. This is a timeless principle of discipleship seen in the Bible, as well as in the greatest thinkers throughout history and it’s a principle that you and I can put into practice with the younger people in our lives today. Everyone can learn something and everyone can share something they have learned with another.

3) Teach and reinforce the message
A master teacher will keep sharing the same life application principles to reinforce the message until you ‘get it’. They don’t’ get mad at you when you don’t understand, they just look for a better way to communicate the message of truth to you in a way you can hear. I’m grateful to God for having the opportunity to have listened to countless messages from a world-class leader who was completely dedicated to the success of his students and honor him by teaching and mentoring others.

This brings up the final lesson I learned from my mentor so many decades ago.

Do things now that will live on after you are gone

This is the power of building a positive legacy, and it lives on in the lives of the over 200,000 students who have attended Liberty University. I was blessed to have a mentor early in life that believed in me. I do things today that my mentor taught me to do over a quarter century ago. I’m a better person and more effective leader because of the few years of working around and sitting under the teaching of Dr. Elmer Towns and I honor him and his legacy today because of his investment into my life to equip me to make a positive difference in the lives of others.

Who do you look to for leadership?
The question I leave with you today is an important one. Who is your mentor? If you don’t know the answer because you don’t have one, start looking today for men and women who are boldly working for positive change in their part of the world and find a way to get to them. You need a mentor you can believe in, and when you find them, plug in to the value that they can add to your life. Once you find them, the process is simple. Listen all you can, learn all you can and then eventually lead others in what your mentor trained you to do… make a positive difference. That legacy that never dies, because it is carried on throughout the generations in the hearts and actions of people who were blessed to know why mentoring matters.

What names of master mentors are on your list and what positive changes are you working toward because of the influence of your mentors? If you need a safe place to get started, send me an email because I’m here to teach and coach you with what I learned at the feet of some godly men. I’ll hold the door open for you because someone taught me how to invest in others. Mentoring matters because it changes you today, so that you can work for a better world tomorrow.

Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida. 407-647-7005)"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 200 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Introverts, Extroverts and the 4 Personalities

support@wellness.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:24:59 Z

Wellness.com - Introverts, Extroverts and the 4 Personalities by dwight bain

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach

“Why did you do that?” asked Molly, a busy mother of three kids to her youngest and loudest child. “I don’t know” was the only reply, leaving Molly feeling really frustrated and helpless about what to do to figure out how to effectively parent her little boy.

What about you, have you ever wondered why the people around you do some of the things they do? Well if you do you are not alone because parents and pastors, scientists and doctors have been studying human personality for thousands of years to figure out how to respond to some of the seemingly odd things people do.

If you want to solve conflicts at home or work then you need to take time to map out the personalities around you. Personality is important to understand because it allows you to rapidly and intelligently respond to the continual situations that pop up in marriage or family relationships. If you want more peace and fewer power struggles then get your legal pad out as we work together to map out the personalities around you.

“I was Born that Way- so deal with it”

A common reaction that people use to justify their inappropriate behavior is that they were born that way, which is partially true. People really are born a certain way, designed by God for a purpose. We know that the majority of your personality is there when you are born, and the remainder of personality development comes from early childhood and school experiences. That’s why you will sometimes notice that you have a son or daughter who may act or look remarkably like an uncle they have never met. DNA makes us that way, but the good news is that we don’t have to stay that way! Here are some basics to get us started.

Quiet people can do so many things better than loud people, however they are usually terrified to stand up and give a speech. Loud people can motivate a crowd or break up a room with laughter, but get exhausted by having to sit alone in a cubicle to finish a project. God made us all different, which can really be irritating to some, but remember, it is for His greater purposes. The key is to figure out why the people around you do the things they do so you know how to respond to achieve a greater result, and not be frustrated in the process.

The study of personality types, (or what authors Tim LaHaye and Florence Littauer call “Temperments”) isn’t new, because Hippocrates, a Greek physician was the first to track 4 specific personalities hundreds of years before the time of Christ. He noticed that there were distinct differences in people, and through the centuries many other researcher have noticed the same. Here are some common elements to keep in mind as you begin to map out the personality of the people around you.

Introverts are the most common type of personality. These individuals are not necessarily shy, but they do prefer quiet. Introverts are energized by calm and peaceful settings, being out in nature, enjoying the environment, soothing music or entertainment and the company of a few close friends or pets. They get their emotional batteries charged through these type of experiences and are drained by large crowds and loud events. When an introvert is under stress they tend to hold their emotions inside until they literally erupt with tears or anger and then when the flood of emotions pass they hate that they lost control of themselves.

Extroverted personalities are not as common, but they make up for it with volume. As you begin to map out the people in your life it’s not hard to spot these folks. They fill up a room with their oversized personalities. They are energized by loud events and lengthy experiences because they seem to never get enough and don’t want the day to end. Concerts, sports, parades, New Year parties, trade shows, theme parks, seminars; it doesn’t matter, because the louder and more crowded the better! Remember, they pull energy from the environment around them, (which exhausts the introverts who probably were coaxed into going with them). Their emotional batteries are charged up by these loud experiences and can go on and on like the Energizer Bunny seemingly for days without sleep when doing something they enjoy. You usually don’t have to guess about what they are thinking, because they sometimes impulsively just ‘tell it like it is’, which can hurt feelings of sensitive personalities, while giving them relief to have dumped their emotions out for others to deal with.

The four most common personality traits that Hippocrates noticed are listed for you to begin to map out your family members, coworkers and friends. And here’s a tip. If you take time to map out your own personality it’s a lot easier to spot traits in others, as well as know how to respond. Plus, there are the corresponding letters listed from the DiSC personality assessment, which is used in a lot of business and educational settings for your comparison in mapping out why the people around you do the things they do.

The 2 Extroverted Personality Types

The Choleric, (or high D on the DiSC)
is a task oriented individual who prefers to be out front leading. This high energy individual is driven, ambitious, and usually goal oriented toward the things that are important to them. This personality group like to lead and motivate others to accomplish their goals and can sometimes overpower others or step on their feelings. Leaders in politics, the military and business are often from this group, which is the smallest percentage of the 4 types, but by far the most aggressive. On a negative note, Choleric personalities can become easily angry or moody when things don’t go their way and aren’t afraid to create a conflict to get people moving toward the goals. In the Bible the Apostle Paul is most like the Choleric personality.

The Sanguine, (or high I on the DiSC),
is a people oriented person who loves to have a good time, sometimes at the expense of others. They fill up a room as the loudest of the two extroverted personalities and are often great verbal communicators, which is why they love to be on stage entertaining others. Sanguine personalities love to meet new people, but often forget their names the moment they meet them! Leaders in entertainment, comedy, media, drama, ministry, public speaking and music are often from this group. Rarely on time, the Sanguine personality can be impulsive, unmotivated and can come across as egotistical and self-absorbed but usually don’t really mean to hurt the feelings of others. They are just so busy in their world that they forget there are 7 billion other people on the planet too. In the Bible the Apostle Peter is most like the Sanguine personality.

The 2 Introverted Personality Types

The Phlegmatic, (or high S on the DiSC),
is a people oriented person who likes to work at their own pace and not be pressured. They absolutely hate conflict and will do just about anything to get along with others. This is by far the largest personality group, since over half of people you meet are likely to be oriented as a Phlegmatic. They may have great ideas, but are sometimes too shy or embarrassed to step out and voice them, much to the frustration of the people who can see past their lack of confidence to spot their real potential. This group likes to have a few close family or friends and like to spend all of their time with the people they already know, so they don’t venture out very far to make new acquaintances. This is why the loss of a friend from a move or breakup can be so devastating to a Phlegmatic because they aren’t usually comfortable going out to meet strangers. They are stable and likeable people who can have great success in management, administration, nursing or education. The most loyal of the 4 personalities, they are also the most sensitive. They are gentle and compassionate individuals with big hearts which allow them to quickly spot the needs of others, but can easily get their own feelings hurt because of this overly sensitive side. They don’t like change and love to keep life predictable; which is why they work so hard to keep things stable in their family, school or work situation. The Biblical patriarch Abraham who was called “the friend of God” is a great example of a Phlegmatic personality.

The Melancholic, (or high C on the DiSC),
is a task oriented personality who can be organized and overly conscious of details which is why they are considered by many to be perfectionistic; but only at the things which are important to them. They are often the most creative of the 4 personality types, both in the arts or in solving complex problems. This personality type is likely to be so quiet that they don’t reach out to make a lot of friends, but can be gentle and compassionate when you take time to get to know them. They think far more than talk, so when they voice their opinion they usually have a lot to say. That’s why you need to listen carefully to Melancholic’s since they may go back into what some people call their introverted ‘cave’ because they often would prefer to spend time with their own thoughts than spending time with others. They can be moody from suppressing so many emotions, which can come across as depressive, sullen, temperamental or critical. There are many careers where this personality can excel, because many authors, musicians, accountants, scientists and researchers have this trait. Melancholic’s are always driven to do things ‘right’ so it is no wonder that the best example from the Bible is the great leader Moses who wrote the ten commandments exactly as given by God on the mountain.

Remember, personality is a basic element inside each person, but there are also many factors to consider when mapping out the best approach to respond and achieve better results at home or at work. Birth-order, age, gender, family background, life experiences and education can heavily influence our behavior. If you want to explore this in greater detail, there are many other books on the subject, and one I love to recommend from best selling author, Florence Littauer, called “Personality Plus”. Or contact a counselor who specializes in personality testing if you want to discover the exact dynamics that drive you and the people around you to do the things you do.
God made each person for a special purpose, and when you discover the basic personality, you also can map out so many major decisions in life, including the type of relationships, schools, churches or companies that you can most easily succeed. Life is easier when you know your personaity, so start with this fun profile from the Treasure
Phlegmatics along with the other 3 temperaments should be looked at not just his psychological statements but in view of physiology and how they would relate to attention deficit disorders, dyslexia, etc.

God’s design for God’s purpose

Find your fit = less stress in major decisions, like marriage, college, career, and easier to not be so frustrated in relationships

The Treasure Tree, Gary Smalley & John Trent

Personality Test for kids and adults

Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent's Personality Inventory

Instructios: In each box, circle each word or phrase that describes a consistent character trait of yours in your home. Total the number circled and double your scroe. Chart the totals from each box on the reverse side.
L
Likes Authority, Confident, Firm, Enjoys Challenges, Problem Solver, Bold, Goal Driven, Strong-Willed, Self-Reliant, Persistent, Takes Charge, Determined, Enterprising, Competitive, Productive, Purposeful, Adventurous, Independent, Controlling, Action-Oriented

"Let's do it now!"
Double the number Circled_____

O
Enthusiastic, Visionary, Energetic, Promoter, Mixes Easily, Fun-Loving, Spontaneous, Creative, New Ideas, Optimistic, Infectious Laughter, Takes Risks, Motivator, Very Verbal, Friendly, Enjoys Popularity, Likes Variety, Enjoys Change, Group Oriented, Initiator, Inspirational

"Trust me! It'll work out!"
Double the number Circled_____

G
Sensitive Feelings, Calm, Non-Demanding, Avoids Confrontations, Enjoys Routine, Warm and elational, Adaptable, Thoughtful, Patient, Good Listener, Loyal, Even-Keeled, Gives In, Indecisive, Dislikes Change, Dry Humor, Sympathetic, Nurturing, Tolerant, Peace Maker

"Let's keep things the way they are."
Double the number Circled_____

B
Enjoys Instruction, Consistent, Reserved, Practical, Factual, Perfectionist, Detailed, Inquisitive, Persistent, Sensitive, Accurate, Controlled, Predictable, Orderly, Conscientious, Discerning, Analytical, Precise, Scheduled, Deliverate

"How was it done in the past?"
Double the number Circled_____

To balance our love with others, we’ve got to understand what particular personality strengths can push us toward either extreme.

We’ve provided a short test that can help you recognize and value another person’s strengths as well as your own. In sharing this test with thousands of singles and couples across the country, we’ve seen the resulting in sight bring many families and couples closer.

In the personal strength survey, circle a few simple words describing yourself. Then, with that information, we’ll show you specifically what your unique strengths are and why they make you such a valuable person in all your relationships.

To complete the instrument, just read through the four boxes below (the L, B, O, and G boxes), and circle each word or phrase that seems to describe a consistant character trait of yours. Next, add up the number of words and phrases you circled in each box. Then double your score to come up with a total in each box.

You’ve taken your test and transfer your scores to the chart. But what does it all mean? The four letters at the top of each section stand for the four basic personality types, which we’ve chosen to picture by using animals: lions, Beavers, Otters, and Golden Retrievers.

Scoring high on the L line are those we call LIONS. Lions are take charge leaders. They’re usually the bosses at work, or at least think they are! They’re decisive, bottom line folks who are doers, not watchers or listeners. They love to solve problems.

Unfortunately, however, if the lions don’t learn to use boths sides of love, their natural hardside bent can cause problems with others.

Scoring high on the B line are those we call BEAVERS. Beavers have a strong need to do things right and by the book. In fact, they’re the kind who actually read the instruction manuals. They like maps, charts, and organization. And they’re great at providing quality control for a home or office.

Because rules, consisteancy and high standards are so important to beavers, they often communicate the hard side of love to others just like the lion. Beavers have deep feelings for those they love. But learning to balance the two sides of love usually involves adding the ability to communicate that softness and warmth in a way that’s felt and clearly understood by others.

Scoring high on the O line are those we call OTTERS. Otters are excitable, fun-seeking, cheerleader types who love to yak, yak, yak. They’re great at motivating others and need to be in an environment where they get to talk and have a vote on major decisions.

Otter’s outgoing nature makes the great networkers – they usually know people who know people who know people. The only problem is they usually don’t know everyone’s name. They can be very soft and encouraging with others (unless under pressure, when they tend to use their verbal skills to attack). But because of their strong desire to be liked, they can often fail to be hard on problems and cause further ones.
Scoring high on the G line are the GOLDEN RETRIEVERS. These people are just like their counter-parts in nature. If you could pick one word to describe them it would be loyalty. They’re so loyal, in fact, that they can absorb the most emotional pain and punishment in relationships and still stay committer.

Golden retrievers are great listeners, empathizers and warm encouragers – all strong, soft side skills. But they tend to be such pleasers that they can have great difficulty in adding the hard side of love when it’s needed

This article adapted from an article by my friends Gary Smalley and John Trent.

Personality makes the decision for you
About jobs, marriage, schools, colleges, entertainment, churches, music, type of home, vacataions, and so on

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.

Parenting Launch Sequence

support@wellness.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:22:20 Z

Wellness.com - Parenting Launch Sequence by dwight bain

Managing the change of letting go of children so they can launch into a successful life as young adults
By Dwight Bain, NCC, LFLM

Parents are told to give their children "roots and wings" from the time they are born until it is time to leave the nest, some twenty years later. I believe that the first part comes easier than the second, which may not come at all for some older adolescents these days. Let me explain a few factors to help you understand why some kids never seem to launch into early success as young adults.

Giving a child 'roots' is about shared traditions, Judeo-Christian values, personal accountability to a moral standard of behavior like the 10 commandments or the golden rule as well as providing a safe and loving home environment. I believe that most parents do their best to care and provide for their kids. I also believe that most parents try to build these core values into the heart of their kids which will always show up through their behavior and choices later on in life. If a child knows what they believe they are stronger and more focused to go through the teen years without getting hung up on the distractions and temptations that cause so many to stumble and fall.

Right from wrong is usually easy to spot
Frankly, I don't think most parents really struggle with knowing what they should be doing, because they know what they want their children to learn and if you ask them, they usually have a pretty clear vision of how they want their children to behave. It’s been my experience that most parents do their best to give their kids the strength of being deeply rooted into a personal belief system of some kind, especially in understanding right from wrong and how to respond to the world around them in a reasonable and responsible way.

If they aren't directly building these values into the lives of their kids, they are likely supplementing those values through Sunday school at church, some form of Christian values education (for instance, consider the great programs available through faith based groups like the YMCA), or exposure to positive messages through the entertainment and media they let their kids experience. Giving kids traditional family values will root them into knowing what they believe, but it won't always protect them when they are challenged by their peers as to why they believe it.

Most common fights are about the ‘flight plan’ between parent & child
So, how do you take a child that you have loved, cared for, taken care of and protected for their entire lifetime the right amount of space to 'fly' forward on their own wings? Let me warn you ahead of time, it's often hard to find the right level of balance on this subject and kids and parents often experience their greatest conflict during the teen years trying to figure out just the right level of responsibility and independence for each stage of life! Yet as hard as it may be for parents to even consider letting go of the children that they have invested so much time and energy into, it is essential for the child’s healthy development and inner strength as a person who will one day have to move out and move on as a young adult to tackle issues directly throughout their life without the security of knowing that mom and dad’s watchful care is always going to be near. The goal is for them to know what they believe, and when tested, to pass the test and live out those beliefs in spite of the pressures around them.

Dangerous truth- over-protective parents create weaker kids
Here's why this is such a problem for some loving parents. If you never let a child test their wings by moving a little further away from mom or dad's care, then sometimes they end up developing the symptoms of fear, extreme shyness or a social phobia and end up being afraid of moving forward in life. Not all kids will develop psychological or emotional fears because of overprotective parents, but it can be one of several factors that slows down their personal development and inner strength to move forward toward the next stage of life. Yes, we love our kids, but remember, part of that love is to equip them and prepare them to one day leave the nest to literally launch forward, just like a space shuttle launch sequence at Kennedy Space Center.

Think about all of the years of planning and thousands of challenges that have to be overcome to create a successful launch into space. Literally everything that takes place for the years leading up to a rocket or orbiter launch date is done to safely and strategically accomplish the goal of getting that rocket into space and to another place. That’s the driving force of those NASA engineers- to get that bird off the ground at Cape Canaveral and into orbit toward the stars.

I love the line from the movie, “Astronaut Farmer” (staring Billy Bob Thornton), where the father-in-law tells his wanna-be astronaut son-in-law, “I really respect you son. Most dad’s can’t get their families to share a meal at the table together and you- you’ve got your whole family dreaming together!” The film shows the power of never giving up on a life-long dream of orbiting the earth, and more importantly the courage, patience and teamwork of a whole family coming together to make that dream a reality.

Space flight can be a lot like parenting, we spend years getting them ready to have a successful launch because one day we know that we will have to do a launch sequence to countdown the days as they head out to another stage of life. This is the way that God designed it- kids are supposed to move out and move on to build lives of their own. If overprotective parents stall that process, it scrubs the launch and leaves the child stranded on the launch pad, while their peers are blasting off toward early success in life. No one wins and it often sets the child up for tremendous problems that could have been solved if the parents had taken a different and more directive approach.

Blast off- or blow up?
When kids are well equipped to launch into early success during their young adult years they soar and it’s a joy to watch. If you have ever seen a launch from Kennedy Space Center in Florida you know what I mean- words can hardly describe the power and the sheer excitement of knowing that not even gravity can stop that rocket from what it was designed to do- blast off toward the stars! However, when what I’ve been referring to as the parenting ‘launch sequence’ is interrupted by well meaning, (or sometimes fearful) parents they often blow up, because the kids crash in some way. Sadly, these days it seems there are more crashes than successful launches. (And you are probably thinking about someone you know stuck in this painful process right now).

So what to do? Here are some parenting tips to coach you through the process of parenting strategies through every stage of childhood to build strong kids now, so they can one day go out and build successful lives as adults. That’s a parent’s job, to give them the roots of belief and then equip them with the wings of healthy resources to fly.

When this process happens, a child grows through each stage of life with a better experience and then grows stronger from the momentum of moving forward in a powerful way because they were set up to win by parents who weren’t afraid to point them toward the stars and launch into the life that God designed for them to live.

Parenting Stages to build strong kids:
Here are some of the key developmental stages and strategies to guide you toward a successful launch with your child.

Birth to puberty, (ages 0-12)-
Kids need a 'caretaker' who can teach and help with daily tasks and skills while the child gradually is learning these skills from their parent, especially in the important areas of self-discipline and responsibility. Psychologist John Trent calls this process ‘soft love mixed with hard love’, (See “The Two Sides of Love” published by Focus on the Family Publishing, 1999)

Puberty to College Years, (12-21)-
The parenting strategy to use during the teen years is a combination of part counselor and part coach to help guide through the emotional issues of building relationships and dealing with hurt feelings; while balancing the tasks of learning to deal with difficulties in life and making wise educational or career choices.

College years to Adulthood, (21-30)-
I believe that we always need our parents- it’s just that the need changes as we grow older. Little kids need a parent to help with personal hygiene, teens need their parents to help them develop healthy habits and by this stage young adults need honest advice and direction. These years are a great time for the parent/adult-child relationship to prosper since the young adult is out on their own dealing with life, yet still needs a 'consultant' to bounce ideas off of as their build a life independent of their parents to firmly establish a life of their own.

I want you to know that millions of other parents have successfully launched their child from birth toward adulthood and you can too. There is a sign in the launch control room of the Kennedy Space Center that says it well, “It takes a team- to launch a dream.”

Know that you are not alone in this process. There are hundreds of resources available at our website as well as links to dozens of other groups that are driven by the desire to help you experience the great joy of watching a dream take flight, as well as provide the tools and training to help you if you’ve already crashed to get past the nightmare and not be afraid to dream again about what your son or daughter could be when they launch into a life of their own.

Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it with your own list at work, church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009), subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource at www.LifeWorksGroup.org "

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.