Wellness Posts by Beth Feldman

How to Keep the Magic Alive: 5 Ways to Energize Your Marriage

2023-12-07T05:00:00Z

Wellness.com - How to Keep the Magic Alive: 5 Ways to Energize Your Marriage by Beth Feldman

Marriage isn’t a cake that you put in the oven and check on in fifteen years. You need to be an active participant in cultivating, nurturing, and energizing your relationship with your partner. This is particularly important given that American Psychological Association has found that 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce and 60-70% of second marriages end in divorce. Having a strong, satisfying marriage over time will have an unparalleled impact on your day-to-day happiness and long-term feelings of well-being. So, how do you keep the magic alive in your most intimate relationship over years, even decades? Go back to basics and remember what made your partner the right person for you from the start. Then double down on all of the things that made you choose this person in the first place. A Nod to the Unconscious: - Marriages have to endure financial stress, the tsunami that is raising children, and the competing laundry, cooking and house-keeping needs that exhaust and irritate us all. Perhaps most threatening to the well-being of a long-term relationship, however, is the universal tendency to repeat the painful interpersonal patterns that we had with one or both of our parents growing up. With self-reflection (and sometimes psychotherapy) and the resulting self-awareness, you can identify these old, familiar patterns before they drain your relationship of its’ warmth and vitality. Here are five keys to maintaining excitement and emotional security in your long-term relationship: - 1. Chemistry: - Sexual chemistry can be the glue that holds a relationship together during times of conflict and stress. Feeling attractive and sexually desired is one area that is best not outsourced to other relationships in your life. Keeping the spark alive can make the difference between a so-so marriage and a great one. Have a date night once a week and be sure to bring your A game. Flirt with your partner. Don’t use a night out as an opportunity to address conflicts that the two of you are having. Be good company, build good will, and have fun together. Secondly, carve time out for sex. In our busy adult lives, we can’t assume that it will just happen, nor should we always leave it for when we are our most exhausted. Finally, make eye contact with your partner. Try to see them for who they are today and what they are going through in the moment. Nothing stirs up the chemistry in a relationship more than feeling noticed. 2. Integrity and kindness: - Pay attention to what kind of human being your spouse is. Don’t take their character for granted. Notice and celebrate small acts of kindness. For your part, try to give the person that you love the most, your best. Too often, your partner becomes a receptacle for your irritability and frustration, rather than your kindness, understanding and patience. 3. Emotional connection: - As you navigate the exhaustion of raising children, the burden of taking care of a home and the stressors of work, make sure that you make time to energize your emotional connection with your partner. Find new ways to surprise each other and to make each other smile. Hold hands, hold doors, and hold your tongue when you are in a bad mood. Your emotional connection will need fine-tuning as stressors of day-to-day life take their toll. 4. Compatibility: - Talk about your life goals in an ongoing way. Take the time to talk about the next chapter in your lives and what you each want that to look like. Make time for the activities that you have always enjoyed together and try to cultivate new hobbies that you can do together. 5. Communication: - Successful couples are not couples without conflicts. Successful couples are couples who have the ability to communicate with each other. Keep talking and even more importantly, keep listening. Both rage and silent withdrawal are toxic to long-term relationships. Long-term intimate relationships don’t grow and flourish automatically. They require your energy and attention but, properly tended to, they hold the power to transform your life. Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders. Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World”. consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information, visit - www.bethfeldmanphd.com.

How You Know that He’s the One: 5 Keys to a Perfect Choice

2023-11-03T19:30:10Z

Wellness.com - How You Know that He’s the One: 5 Keys to a Perfect Choice by Beth Feldman

Choosing a life partner is perhaps the most important decision that you will ever make. Where you go to school, what job you choose, even where you settle down are all choices that are fairly easily changed and rarely have lasting impact. Who you choose as your life partner, especially if you have children, will impact your day-to-day happiness and long-term welfare to an unparalleled to degree. Choosing the right partner will enhance and energize your every aspect of your life. In my experience, people often choose partners to meet either their self-esteem needs (i.e. attractiveness or prestige) or their security needs (i.e. dependability, financial stability or nurturing qualities). Some choose a partner who offers excitement and adventure but may not inspire feelings of trust and security over time. Others may choose a partner who is similar to the family they grew up in, sparking feelings of comfort and safety but not perhaps, vitality and enlivenment. A Nod to the Unconscious: - Some people choose a partner who represents what seems like an improved version of a difficult parent. This is often an unconscious attempt to change the parent that lives on in their mind and turn them into the person that they needed them to be. Choosing a heavy drinker, for example, if your parent was an alcoholic, may represent a last attempt to fix your parent and get the love that eluded you in childhood. Unfortunately, this is usually results in a repetition of those old feelings of anger, hurt, and helplessness. Here are five key criteria to choosing a partner who will offer you both excitement and emotional security for the long-haul: - 1. Chemistry: - You need to be attracted to your partner. Sexual chemistry can be the glue that holds a relationship together during times of conflict and stress. Feeling attractive and sexually desired is one area that is best not outsourced to other relationships in your life. 2. Integrity: - Notice how your partner treats other in their world, including the waiter at the neighborhood diner and the cashier at the pharmacy. Look long and hard at their value system and make sure that aligns with yours. Trustworthiness is the cornerstone of integrity. If your potential life partner doesn’t come fully loaded in this department, run! - 3. Emotional Connection: - Your partner is ideally your built-in support system. Feeling loved, understood, and unconditionally accepted are key components of a deep emotional connection. This type of connection is the bread and butter of successful long-term relationships. 4. Compatibility: - Make sure that your life plan and your partner’s align. You don’t have to go into the weeds to search for areas of disagreement, but do evaluate the big-ticket issues. For example, do you both want to have children? Compatibility in terms of how you handle money, level of sexual desire, leisure activities-all increase the likelihood that life together will not be riddled with conflict. Also, know your personal compatibility litmus test. For me, it was “must love dogs”. 5. Communication: - Successful couples are not couples without conflicts. Successful couples are couples who have the ability to communicate with each other. They can express their love and appreciation and they can talk about their anger and their disappointment. Both rage and silent withdrawal are toxic to long-term relationships. Choosing the right person to spend your life with needs to be a process that involves both the head and the heart. Loving your partner is necessary but often not sufficient for a successful long-term relationship. Don’t be afraid to take a long, honest look at where you both stand on these five criteria for a relationship that will go the distance. Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders. Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World”. consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information, visit - www.bethfeldmanphd.com.

When They Launch: Four Steps to Reclaiming Your Empty Nest

2023-09-22T04:00:00Z

Wellness.com - When They Launch: Four Steps to Reclaiming Your Empty Nest by Beth Feldman

Your child just left for college and left you with a huge hole in your heart. Besides slapping a college bumper-sticker on your car and planning a fall trip to their school for a football game, what else is a mother supposed to do? - In my practice as a clinical psychologist and in my personal life, I see women struggling with overwhelming feelings of sadness, loss, and a lack of purpose related to their children leaving home. I’m talking about what happens to a woman’s heart and sense of identity when the children that she has loved and nurtured - cheered, organized, disciplined, and revolved so much of her world around, leave home. And here’s the kicker-we help them to do so and even celebrate the process, knowing that this is a healthy and exciting part of their development. Certainly, our experience in this crossroads will be affected by many factors. Are you a single mom or is yours a two-parent family? - Is your marriage a good one or a contentious one? - Are you a working mom or a stay-at-home mom? - And then, there are the developmental and personality factors. What was your attachment like to your own parents growing up and how did they respond when you left home? - How much emotional support do you have now on a day-to-day basis and how easy is it for you to reach out to others? - How central is being a mother to your sense of self? - When our children leave home to start this new and exciting chapter of their lives, how can we mothers begin a new and exciting chapter of our own lives? And, how do we handle the emotional crisis, as unfinished business from earlier in our life often re-emerges at this crossroads and collides with the current maelstrom of loss and sadness that we may be experiencing? - Once our children launch, here are a few steps to make our empty nest a reclaimed nest. 1. Think back to who you were and what you enjoyed before you had children.- For me, I started playing golf again, an activity that requires more time than I had available when my kids were at home. I invested more time and energy in my work and went out for more girls’ nights out and mid-week dates with my husband. And, I somehow convinced my husband that I needed that fourth dog. 2. Take on an exciting challenge in this new chapter of your life. Maybe it’s a hobby, a new job, volunteer work, or a new training or education program. These kinds of new pursuits can be invaluable as a way to expand your personal and professional identity, particularly important when your identity as a mother has suffered a major hit. 3. Focus on one self-improvement goal.- You are used to taking care of others and being their cheerleader. Now is the time to turn that focus and energy toward yourself. Select one self-improvement goal and set up a plan to accomplish that goal in gradual and manageable way. Whether it’s to eat more fruits and vegetables, to exercise three times a week, to get to bed by ten every night, or to begin journaling everyday-figure out one goal to work towards that will improve your mental or physical health. 4. Address personal issues.- This is a time when unfinished emotional business from your childhood and teenage years may reemerge. Don’t shy away from working on these personal issues, whether it’s through therapy, journaling, or long talks with friends. Questions of who you want to be when you grow up, may also spring back to life and this new chapter offers a wonderful opportunity to explore them. Many of us struggle with this letting go thing. With more time and energy to invest in yourself, your work, your hobbies, and your relationships, you can combat these new-found feelings of loss and sadness. Excitement for your kids and their new opportunities can combine with this new sense of challenge and purpose for yourself. Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders. Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World”. consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information, visit www.bethfeldman.com.

Transparent Communication: The Key to Reenergizing Your Relationship

2023-08-15T04:00:00Z

Wellness.com - Transparent Communication: The Key to Reenergizing Your Relationship by Beth Feldman

Transparent communication is the key to a successful relationship, whether it’s an intimate relationship, a parent/child relationship, a friendship or even a work relationship. Transparent communication means energizing your inner voice and listening closely to it. It means putting your thoughts and feelings into words, with reasonable concern about being direct, respectful and clear. Importantly, transparent communication means describing the feelings that you are experiencing without overwhelming the other person with your emotions. Let’s look at the value of transparent communication in our close relationships. We are all aware of the communication style in which one person overwhelms their partner with their feelings, usually delivered with tears and pressured speech brimming with anguish. We also know the person who shuts down, avoiding conversation as a way to avoid conflict. And then there is the wordy intellectual, who prattles on but never lands the plane in terms of actually letting you know how they are feeling. Too much of a focus on only your thinking doesn’t help your partner empathize with your emotional experience and won’t lead to your feeling deeply understood. This style of communication often feels mind-numbing and results in your partner shutting down rather than opening up. For example, when I barrage my husband with a four-hour dissertation on why he should remember our anniversary and what his forgetting actually means, he tunes me out after my second sentence in anticipation of the rest of the lecture. An emotion-heavy communication style often leads to a shut down in dialogue and understanding as well. If my husband is erupting with anger and is speaking with a raised voice or inflammatory language, I am very likely to get defensive and focus on the way that he is communicating rather than what he is communicating. In this case, his presentation obscures his message. Transparent communication is about being descriptive and direct without being overly dramatic. Here are five steps toward transparent communication which will deepen and energize your understanding of the important people in your world and their understanding of you. 1. Take the time to listen to your inner voice and understand what you want to communicate. Y - our thoughts, your feelings and your understanding of why you feel the way you do (i.e. what old emotional buttons have been pushed). 2. Let your partner know that you want to explain something that is bothering you and you would like them to simply think about it. This removes the pressure that they may feel to respond in the moment. It also lessens the likelihood that you will get into a familiar emotional battle or that they will get defensive. 3. Briefly and clearly describe what’s bothering you, their role in it and how they can be helpful. Let them know how you are feeling and why, but try to avoid inflammatory words, blaming, shaming or being overly dramatic. 4. Once you have communicated your thoughts and feelings, hopefully succinctly, stop talking. Let the other person take in what you have said and think about it. Don’t continue to overwhelm them with your pain, clarifications, additional evidence, etc. 5. When they are ready to respond, slow your roll. Let them finish speaking before you begin to craft a response. Take some to think about their message and understand their perspective before you continue the conversation. Transparent communication is about helping others understand your experience by calmly and clearly describing your thoughts and feelings. It is direct, as succinct as possible, and invites, but does not demand, a response. Any emotional gratification that you might gain from venting or really blasting someone, is more than made up for by feeling heard and understood. Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders. Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World”. consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information, visit - www.bethfeldmanphd.com

When You Get to Choose: 5 Keys to Authentic Decision-Making

2023-06-10T04:00:00Z

Wellness.com - When You Get to Choose: 5 Keys to Authentic Decision-Making by Beth Feldman

The ability to make authentic decisions is central to living a life that feels fulfilling and personally meaningful. Too often we base our decisions on the needs and expectations of family and friends. The more we do what we think we are “supposed to do”, the more we are saddled with feelings of resentment or worse, a quiet emptiness. Authentic decision-making is a life-enhancing skill which requires listening to your inner voice. Decisions can feel like landmines. Some people barrel forward and make impulsive choices, and then plague themselves with feelings of doubt and regret. Others waffle endlessly, obsessing about the pros and cons of each choice but are unable to reach a decision. The truth is that choice equals loss. When you choose the blackened salmon, you give up having the teriyaki skirt steak-at least for today. When you choose the stable accountant, you give up the hot surfer. A nod to the unconscious: - Decision-making can be a painful, anxiety-ridden process. This is often because we have different inner selves or versions of what feels like “me” at any given time and each is clamoring to have their say. Sometimes, you may feel like a little girl, eager to please and longing for approval. In another moment, you may feel like the empowered rebel, defying those who try to define you and blazing your own trail. Some go so far as to say that it feels like they have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. This results in conflicting feelings or ambivalence, and is a normal part of almost every choice that we face. Our own ambivalence, as well as the expectations of others, combine to make authentic decision-making a complicated process. When you are trying to make an authentic decision, you will need to tune into your inner voice. Here are 5 keys to authentic decision-making: - Determine whether the decision in front of you is big decision or small decision: - Ask yourself whether this decision will have a lasting impact on your life, like the choice of a partner, a job, or even which house to buy. Small decisions, such as where to go on vacation or what to wear on a date, can be made solely on the basis of what you -feel like.- Big decisions need to include your heart and your head, involving both what you think and how you feel. For smaller decisions, go with your gut:- Give yourself an opportunity to fully imagine each choice. Tune into which of the options feels most appealing or feels most authentically like the true you. Tuning in to your desires can take some practice but the results are worth the trouble. For bigger decisions, - notice what the different sides of yourself are whispering in your ear: - Focus on your conflicting thoughts and feelings. Don’t reflexively shut down one side of yourself simply because the inner conflict makes you anxious. Give each voice a fair hearing, and notice your emotional preferences along the way. Once you know how your heart is voting, a pros and cons list is an excellent idea to identify any red flags and flesh out which choice makes the most sense from your head’s perspective. Authentic decision-making can feel like a balancing act and you will need all of the practical and emotional information clearly laid out. Preview in your mind what each choice would feel like: - In fact, I recommend that you spend a full day assuming that you are choosing option A and see how you feel living with that choice. Then spend the following day living with the idea of option B and see how that feels. Focus on the gains: - Any choice includes the loss of the path not taken. Once your decision is made, celebrate what you have selected and all that your choice offers you. Authentic decision-making requires taking the time to think through and feel through your options and tune into your inner voice. It involves letting your own unique value system and personal idiosyncrasies inform both your head and your heart as you choose what will enhance and energize your life the most in the long run. When you decide, remember to celebrate the win and begin to enjoy what you have chosen. Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders. Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World”. consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information, visit - www.bethfeldmanphd.com.