Wellness Posts by Randy Stocker

Five “Real World” Ways to Help a Griever

2023-06-05T04:00:00Z

Wellness.com - Five “Real World” Ways to Help a Griever by Randy Stocker

What I learned after the deaths of my mother, Jean, and my two daughters, Jenelle-age 19, and Amy-age 9 to a distracted semi-truck driver is that things people say and do to help grievers can be perceived as both hurtful and insensitive by the people that are receiving the help. Below are five myths that need to be better understood. 1. There is a “right way” to grieve. This statement is so wrong. Everybody should and does grief differently. Let them! Encourage them! Some grievers need to cry, some need to get angry or scream and shout while others “hold their pain” inside of them—hoping that it will soften or disappear. Some want to be alone while others want and need social interaction. These are all acceptable ways to grieve. A griever needs to experience their own unique grief. Instead of telling them what to do, encourage them to grieve in their own way. Give them permission to get emotional, cry, or express their frustration or anger. Just “be there” for them. 2. You should never talk about the deceased person. A grievers greatest fear is that people will “forget” about their loved one. Most prefer to hear stories and see pictures about the departed. If you are not comfortable sharing a story, ask permission. Ex. (I remember a funny story about your husband, is it OK if I share it with you?) Proactively share stories and pictures of the deceased. Let your friends know that their loved ones will always be missed and remembered. 3. Grievers will eventually “get back to normal”. A griever will never be the same person they were before the loss. They have been through a traumatic experience and have lost someone who they will never speak with again, never touch again, never hear their voice again, or never feel the unique way they did around that person. Try to accept the griever for who they are today, not who they were before their loss. 4. Giving advice is the best way to help someone who is grieving. Most of us feel helpless unless we can “fix things”. The temptation to give advice is always there. While your intentions to help are admirable, sometimes your guidance might come across as superficial or impersonal. Just being there is often the best way you can help the bereaved. Try to share in their pain by being sensitive to their wants and needs while reminding them how much you care about them and their families. 5. Time heals all wounds. Time appears to “stand still” to those who are grieving. While a griever suffers from their tragic loss, the rest of the world keeps going while their life has come to a screeching halt. Things like seeing friends having fun or seeing people laughing can be hurtful to a griever. Time does not heal all wounds as grief does not have an end date. Always be respectful and understanding of what your grieving friend is going through. It is important to understand there is a “new normal” for them. Time will change things and the overall intensity of the grief will slowly diminish. Grief never ends. Grievers simply adjust to their new life. Randy Stocker is a survivor of the worst kind of loss—the death of a child—two children and his mother, in his case. Randy and his family live in Rochester, MN. He is the author of the book, “ - Hugs Help - ”, as well as a - professional speaker - , His presentation is called, “Understanding Grief—As a Griever, As a Supporter, and As a Friend”. He is active in his community via civic organizations like BNI (Business Networking International), the Chamber of Commerce, and his church. Randy’s goal is to provide - practical advice - to both grievers and supporters.

Couples and Grieving: The Path to Healing

2023-03-29T04:00:00Z

Wellness.com - Couples and Grieving: The Path to Healing by Randy Stocker

You have most likely heard the saying, “Everybody Grieves Differently”. This goes for couples as well. Even though Char and I had been married for 21-years, the way we grieved after the death of our two daughters, Jenelle-age 19, and Amy-age 9, as well as my mother, Jean, was like night and day. I cried often—Char didn’t cry for four months. I knew instantly that I would never see them alive again. She thought their deaths were a mistake and she would see them again soon. I was angry with God for not protecting them. Char knew they were in a better place—heaven. Coping with grief as a couple is difficult. We were told that the divorce rate for couples after a significant loss was much higher than normal. We chose to not let our tragedy ruin our marriage. Instead, we chose to: - Plan Ahead - After a tragic loss, couples need something to “look forward to”. It can be something small—like a dinner date at a new restaurant—or something big—like a trip to Alaska. It took us around seven months to even consider our future without Jenelle and Amy. In January 2004, we started talking about adoption. We had more love to give and were not ready to not have any children at home. We realized the process would take a long time, but we started looking forward to October 2005 when we would have a young child in our home again. Although the process took longer than expected, we first met our new daughter, Melissa, in Guangzhou China, on Christmas Day, 2005. The second thing that kept us going was planning a family trip to Disneyworld in Florida. Mom had always wanted to take the entire family—five children, five spouses, and eighteen grandchildren to see Mickey Mouse. We scheduled the trip around the first anniversary of the death of mom, Jenelle, and Amy. Don’t focus on what you lost, focus on what you had! - It was nearly impossible to not think about our loss. It drove us crazy until we started thinking about the amazing nineteen and nine years, respectively, we had with Jenelle and Amy. Those years were amazing. Thinking about the good times helped us to be thankful for the years we had with our daughters and gave us the peace of mind to go forward with our lives. We also knew that our daughters would want us to have a good life, even without them. Ask yourself—what would your loved one want you to do? - Be Patient with Each Other - Couples need to support each other through this awful thing called grief. Understand that there will be good days and horrible days. Your job is not to make each other happy. It is to simply be there and let your partner know that you will be with them throughout your life together and that you can imagine a happier future together. Write it Down! - Sometimes it is easier to write down our thoughts and feelings vs. trying to express them orally. If you are struggling with how to say what you are feeling and what you need from your partner, put it in writing instead. He or she will appreciate your effort and have a better understanding of exactly how to help. Randy Stocker - is a survivor of the worst kind of loss—the death of a child—two children and his mother, in his case. Randy and his family live in Rochester, MN. He is an author, a - professional speaker - , and a realtor. He is active in his community via civic organizations like Rotary, BNI (Business Networking International), the Chamber of Commerce, and his church. Randy is the author of the book, “ - Hugs Help - ”. His goal is to provide - practical advice - and to help people understand grief—as a griever, as a comforter, or as a friend

Challenged to Help a Grieving Friend? 6 Ways to Step Inside their Pain

2023-03-15T04:00:00Z

Wellness.com - Challenged to Help a Grieving Friend? 6 Ways to Step Inside their Pain by Randy Stocker

My best friend’s child just died in a car accident. My friend is in shock. She is angry with the world. What do I say? What can I do to help her? - According to the National Center for Health Statistics, over 200,000 people suffered accidental deaths in 2020. WOW!!! - Death and grief are everywhere. From accidental deaths to Covid deaths to shootings and more. Almost everyone will grieve at some time, yet most of us feel awkward and uncomfortable around others who are grieving. What should we do or say that will help them soothe the pain of their grief? How do we “reach out” to help a friend or family member who is grieving the death of a loved one? - In 2003, I was that griever after my mother and my two daughters, Jenelle-age 19, and Amy-age 9, were killed by a distracted semi-truck driver. He was speeding and reading when he instantly killed them. We were devastated and needed help, just to survive. I pro-actively reached out to bereavement groups, church affiliations, and counselors to no avail. They all offered advice and ideas, but I needed something else. I needed practical advice, not book-learned advice, from someone who had suffered a loss like I had. Since that time, I have become more connected with grievers and have learned there are better ways to help including: - Try to show more empathy by fully understanding the grieving process. Everybody grieves differently. Grief is both personal and individual. After Jenelle and Amy were killed, I was a basket case—crying non-stop and always angry. My wife, Char, didn’t shed a tear for about six months. She couldn’t accept their death and kept thinking they would simply show up someday. This difference in grieving caused tremendous stress in our lives. Be pro-active—Most of us say “call me if you need anything” to a griever. If the griever never called you before their loss to ask you to help them clean the house, mow the yard, or go to the grocery store for them, they will not ask you now either. Be pro-active. If you see something that needs to be done to help, just do it. Be smart and focused on what you say. Our society places too much value on “getting on with your life”. We say canned phrases such as “they are in a better place now” or “I know how you feel”. First, the griever thought their loved one was in a pretty good place with them here on earth. Secondly, nobody can feel the same loss as the person who suffered it. I had a guy tell me, “I know how you feel. My dog died last month”. Proactively talk about the deceased person. Tell stories. Share pictures and memories. Most grievers worry that people will forget their loved one. Make sure that doesn’t happen with your friend. If you are scared or nervous about sharing a story or a memory, ask them if it is OK first. Make regular, frequent, and personal contact. Stay away from the text messages and emails. If you really want to support your friend, go see them or at least call them. That personal touch is so important. Just Be There. You can’t FIX GRIEF. If you feel the need to do or say something, try “I am here for you and your family” or “I am here to listen to you if you need or want to talk” or “It is OK if you feel the need to be mad or express anger in front of me. I am your friend”. Randy Stocker is the survivor of an unfathomable tragedy with the deaths of three family members to a distracted semi-truck driver. Instead of wallowing in his grief, he took the path to learn about grief and grieving so he could help others. Stocker is the author of the book, “ - Hugs Help-Our Story of Tragic Loss, Survival, and Helping Others.” He is also a sought after - professional speaker - , an organizer of multiple bereavement groups, and a great listener to others who have suffered tragic loss. He runs a - Facebook Group - on grief and grieving. For more information visit - www.randystocker.com.

What Does a Griever Really Want to Tell You?

2023-01-30T05:00:00Z

Wellness.com - What Does a Griever Really Want to Tell You? by Randy Stocker

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could read the mind of someone who is grieving? We know that they are hurting from their loss, but they won’t accept our help or listen to our advice? They are asking themselves, “Why did this happen? Why can’t I cry? Why did God do this to me?” We really want to help, but just don’t know how. I lost my mother, Jean, and my two daughters, Jenelle-age 19, and Amy-age 9 to a distracted semi-truck driver on July 22, 2003. Believe it or not, the driver was speeding and reading when he killed them. Friends and family constantly offered to help but we were afraid to share our deepest thoughts and pains with them. My stupid logic was—if I didn’t need their help before the calamity, why would I need it afterwards? - Below are several thoughts that I wish I would have shared with family and friends back then. They include: - Please be patient with me and supportive of me. I am not the same person I was before my loss. Please let me grieve in my own way and in my own time. Don’t tell me how or when to grieve or when to stop grieving. Please understand that you cannot “fix my grief” or “take away” my pain. Instead, please simply listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. If you feel like it, please cry with me. Please forgive me if I say something thoughtless or hurtful towards you. I am frequently depressed and lose my temper frequently. It is nothing against you. It is my grief needing to escape. I may not even thank you for your help or apologize for my words. However, your help is always appreciated—even if I don’t say so at the time. Please share stories and memories with me about my loved ones. I need to know that they will never be forgotten. Unfortunately, it takes words and actions to prove that to me. Please mention their names frequently. I need to hear them. I might cry or get sad. However, please remember that there are good tears and bad tears. Hearing a story usually brings about good tears and inspires me. Please never tell me what to do or when to quit grieving. I am so tired of hearing hurtful or insensitive cliché’s like “time heals all wounds” or “they are in a better place” or “it was meant to be”. I would much rather hear “I am so sorry for your loss” or “I am here for you and your family” or “I am here to listen to you whenever you need or want to talk.” If you only focus on one item, please let it be this one. Please be clear that nothing you can say to me will take away my pain. What I need are “hugs and friendship”. Please do not push me to do things that I am not yet ready to do or feel hurt if I appear withdrawn. Please never say “I know how you feel” because you don’t. Instead, show empathy. Please never stop calling me. You might think that you are respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like you are abandoning me. Please accept me for who I am today. I have been through a very traumatic experience, and I am a different person. Randy Stocker is the survivor of an unfathomable tragedy with the deaths of three family members to a distracted semi-truck driver. Instead of wallowing in his grief, he took the path to learn about grief and grieving so he could help others. Stocker is the author of the book, “ - Hugs Help-Our Story of Tragic Loss, Survival, and Helping Others.” He is also a sought after - professional speaker - , an organizer of multiple bereavement groups, and a great listener to others who have suffered tragic loss. He runs a - Facebook Group - on grief and grieving. For more information visit -www.hugshelp.org.