Wellness Posts by Dr. Dan Tomasulo

Choosing the Right Kind of Passion

support@wellness.com — Fri, 28 Feb 2020 08:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - Choosing the Right Kind of Passion by Dr. Dan Tomasulo

Studies by a Canadian researcher have identified two types of passion: harmonious and obsessive. According to Dr. Robert Vallerand-, harmonious passion happens when we choose to do an activity we love and feel happy both during and after it. Harmonious passion with an activity leads to better engagement, higher levels of concentration, and greater well-being. Obsessive passion is another matter. This type of passion occurs when an uncontrollable desire to engage in the activity causes pressure (like those who can’t stop playing video games.) You are doing something you love, but the activity controls you rather than you controlling it. You have to do it and find it difficult to step away from it. In general, being involved with something you are harmoniously passionate about predicts higher well-being and greater resilience. Engaging in obsessive passion activities predicts just the opposite. In a recent study with his colleagues, Dr. Vallerand looked at another type of passion—the one between romantic partners. As it turns out, they found couples, too, can be harmoniously or obsessively passionate with one another. Couples who enjoy being harmoniously passionate revel in the process of being together and the aftereffects. The obsessively passionate couples neither appreciate the process nor the outcome. They see being together more of an obligation than a delight. The researchers then asked an interesting question: what happens when partners who have harmonious passion engage in a mutually exciting activity. In other words—what happens when a harmoniously passionate couple loves the activity they are doing together? The short answer is that it strengthens the relationship. This might not seem like such a significant finding—but it is. The standard recommendation for couples is to improve their relationship is to do more things together. But this new research shows that couples who are obsessively passionate (feeling obligated) engage in an activity they are not harmoniously passionate about the results can be detrimental. Just spending time together isn't the answer. Choosing to do something together each of you loves to do is what's needed. There is a bonus if the activity you both love is exciting. The positive energy that comes from the shared excitement is also part of what will strengthen your connection. Sharing your harmoniously passionate activities with your partner may be one of the most direct ways to improve your relationship. If you want to make certain you are going in the right direction with your partner here are three recommendations:

- Make a plan. While spontaneity is always welcome passionate partnering takes a plan. Pick a time you’ll be together to do something special together. The plan itself creates a positive expectation. Generate ideas together. Talk about what you’d like to do that both of you enjoy. Is it going antique hunting? Seeing your favorite band? Hanging by the beach? - See if from time-to-time you can add the bonus of doing something physical together. Bike rides, a hike, a walk on the beach. Doing a physical activity together can boost the positivity. “Honey, want to go bungee jumping again tonight?” Might not sound like the most romantic sentence you can whisper into your partner’s ear—but it just might be the most effective.

How Hope Works

support@wellness.com — Wed, 05 Feb 2020 08:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - How Hope Works by Dr. Dan Tomasulo

Of all the positive emotions, hope is unique. It is the only one that requires negativity or uncertainty to get underway. None of the others, such as joy, gratitude, interest, awe, love, or serenity, need this kind of jump-start. They can be experienced without another emotion to set them in motion. Hope is also different than faith. Hope happens when we have an expectation we can control our future. Faith is when we believe something else holds sway over it. Hope takes place when we can expect to influence the outcome—and we lose it when we don’t think we can. We often use the terms faith and hope interchangeably, but scientists use the control factor to separate the two. It is the degree to which we believe we can have an influence over what is going to happen that our sense of hope is measured. We have hope we can finish the race in under an hour, and we have faith it won't rain on Saturday. In other words, uncertainty is part of the formula for hope. There is no need for hope when something is certain, and you don’t need hope when something is out of your control. You don’t have to hope you’ll make it to work on time when you’re at your desk ten minutes before the day starts. Hope begins when you have some doubt. It can also get turned on when you've been frustrated. A setback, an unexpected obstacle, a betrayal, or disappointment are all fertile grounds for hope. There are even those who say the bigger the frustration, the more hope gets fueled. Some famous examples are: Walt Disney fired from the Kansas City Star because he "lacked imagination and had no good ideas;" -Carrie by Stephen King rejected 30 times before it was published; Oprah fired from her job as a TV news anchor for being dull; Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig rejected 121 times before it became a classic; Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone rejected 12 times, and J. K. Rowling was told "not to quit her day job." - Being blocked from our goals can be a source of motivation. When we are prevented from achieving our aspirations, we have to bring our expectations into alignment. This is how we reengage. The key to understanding how hope works is understanding our perspective. When our expectations have been let down, or we are facing the unknown do we believe there is anything that can be done to change the outcome? If we do, then hope is possible. If we don’t, then this is where we give up, and let go of our goals. While letting go of control over the outcome can be necessary, and an important part of our growth, it can also be painful. As it turns out, hope isn’t a black and white thing. Part of shifting our perspective and changing our experience of hope is calibration—an adjustment. If we make a correction toward what we expect, it can alter how much hope we have. Making adjustments to our goals, bringing them closer in alignment with our ability, can lift our feelings of hope. If we can, we should do it in under an hour—finishing the race in as close to an hour as we can, keeps us motivated. This works to improve our hope and motivation because it is self-regulation— perhaps the greatest asset we have as human beings. To feel more hope in your life, take the challenge brought on by the uncertainty or disappointment to ask yourself what you can control. It may not be what you originally expected, but recalibrating your outlook is the best way to keep hope alive.

Five Myths About Hope

support@wellness.com — Mon, 04 Nov 2019 08:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - Five Myths About Hope by Dr. Dan Tomasulo

Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality
—Jonas Salk - Scientists have begun studying the science of hope. As it turns out, there are some features about hope that are surprisingly different than initially thought. Barbara Fredrickson, one of the lead researchers on positive emotions, has identified hope as the only positive emotion motivated by negativity. Other researchers have joined in the investigation of hope, and their findings shed light on ways to harness its power. From my analysis, there are five common assumptions about hope this new research has challenged: - Myth #1: - Hope is purely positive. Fact: Hope is the only positive emotion that needs negativity or uncertainty. This is perhaps the most significant shift in understanding hope. Studies show that reframing our negative situations as challenges rather than threats changes how we approach them. In defending ourselves from a perceived threat, we use our energy for survival. When we recognize our situation as a challenge, we’re more likely to mobilize our resources to cope. Myth # 2: You either have hope, or you don't. Fact: Hope can be stimulated and cultivated. One of the more exciting findings had to do with dispositional—or trait mindfulness. Research shows that being able to be aware, non- judgmentally, of our circumstances and surroundings stimulates hope. The more mindful we are of what we are doing—the higher our sense of hope. Researchers believe this is because being deliberately mindful is a form of self-control—and control is central to how hope works. Myth #3: Your circumstance regulates how much hope you’ll have. Fact: You can calibrate your circumstance to regulate how much hope you have. Medical researchers have found when people can calibrate their expectations in recovery, they can activate hope. One woman who had been hoping for a complete recovery from her breast cancer diagnosis was always depressed. Every day she was told she hadn’t completely recovered she saw the treatment as a failure. When she was able to calibrate her expectations: “I’m going to go to my granddaughter’s recital tonight and enjoy myself,” she was much more hopeful—which then actually facilitated her recovery. Calibration of our expectations gives us a way to engage and stimulate the process of hope. Myth #4: Hope is the same as faith. Fact: Hope is when we believe we can positively impact our future. Faith is when we believe something greater will. Ultimately, hope is about what we believe we have control over in the future. Martin Seligman, one of the central figures in the positive psychology movement, has done research demonstrating that it is our assessment of the future that determines how much hope we have. Hope comes from doing the things we can to make a difference, while faith happens when we believe something greater than us is responsible for creating the change. The best of both worlds tend to be when we've done all that we can—and have faith that this will be enough to bring about the hope for change. Myth #5: Hope influences our belief system. Fact: Hope is informed and primed by our beliefs. In practical terms, this finding is perhaps the most dramatic. It is our beliefs that will determine whether or not we hope. The importance of our beliefs was demonstrated by researchers hypnotizing subjects into believing that a substance they were allergic to wasn’t the real thing. Subjects given this belief did not have an allergic reaction even though they should have. We are meant to do more than survive—we are meant to thrive. Hope is the link that moves us toward thriving—and our beliefs are at the very heart of what makes hope work. As Henry Ford confirmed: -“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't — you're right.”