Wellness Posts by Sherry Gaba

The Nurturing Obsession

support@wellness.com — Mon, 27 Mar 2023 04:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - The Nurturing Obsession by Sherry Gaba

Nurturing someone, helping them to grow and change for the better, is part of a loving relationship. People in healthy relationships often say that over time, their partner has helped them become a better person. But when nurturing turns into an obsession, it becomes a kind of over-parenting without the growth. The idea of a nurturing obsession is not to make the partner happier, but to make them more dependent. Obsessive nurturers are drawn to people they believe they can save, fix, or change. This is more common for women, who tend to be caretakers anyway, but men certainly do it too. The nurturer believes if they just love this person enough or do enough for them, they will be able to mold the relationship of their dreams. But there’s another reason as well: If you nurture a needy person, they will become dependent on you; and if they are dependent, they will never leave you. The reasons people become obsessive nurturers are complex. Many came from what therapists call a “parentified” family, where needy parents can’t meet the emotional and sometimes even the physical needs of their children. The child feels rejected by their emotionally and physically unavailable parents, and believes that if they can save their parents, the parents will not abandon them. So child becomes a kind caretaker, in a desperate attempt to keep the parents engaged. This role reversal is common in families where there is neglect, abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, divorce, or where one parent has died and the remaining parent turns the child into a substitute partner. When the child grows up, their adult relationships represent the family they grew up in. They are attracted to partners with problems, so that they can finally symbolically fix their parents. They are motivated by an extreme fear of the same rejection they endured as children, and subconsciously believe they can heal their childhood wounds by nurturing a needy partner. The obsessive nurturer becomes overly responsible for their partner financially, emotionally, physically, and in every way possible, leaving the nurturer drained and frustrated. They never get back as much as they give, but they just keep thinking that if they give more, they will finally get that fantasy perfect relationship they long for. We attract and are attracted to people who share our view of the world. That means people who are willing to give endlessly, often with little in return, tend to attract people who are happy to take endlessly and give back very little. At the very least, obsessive nurturers end up preventing their partners from growing and making the changes they really need to make. At the very worst, they end up with partners who are charming, manipulative, lying sociopaths. I was one of those people. I married a recovering alcoholic, and although I know from my work in addiction that relapse is always possible, I chose to file away that knowledge somewhere very deep. After we had been married five years, my husband did relapse. As a clinician I know the signs very well—staying out all night and not calling, smelling like alcohol (and swearing it’s cologne), angry outbursts, running out of money—but I just explained them away. When I could no longer do that, I believed my love alone would save my husband. I put him into rehab several times, only to be disappointed by his continued relapses and his constant lying about it. He never followed up on his promises to go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, get a sponsor, or seek therapy. And yet, I somehow continued to believe that I could “love his problem away.” - But by making excuses for him and supporting him when he could no longer work, I was enabling his addiction. He had relapse after relapse. He lied to me about using. He didn’t keep his promises. My obsessive nurturing never changed him; and it didn’t help him, either. When I finally realized that and divorced him, he hit his own proverbial bottom. It’s what we both needed to grow and become better people. Take Sherry's quiz - to find out if you are a love addict. You can find her new book, - The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking Your Obsession here. To learn more about - Sherry Gaba - and her work, visit - www.sherrygaba.com.

Understanding The Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Trap

support@wellness.com — Wed, 06 Apr 2022 05:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - Understanding The Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Trap by Sherry Gaba

There are many different types of dysfunctional relationships. In codependent types of relationships, a common pattern of behavior that can be found is the -anxious-avoidant -trap. I explain this pattern in full detail in my book, "-The Marriage and Relationship Junkie,"-and once you know the -trap, -it is easy to see. Let's take a look... The Dynamics - The dynamics of the -anxious-avoidant -trap are like a push and pull mechanism. These are both attachment styles, and they are on opposite ends of the spectrum from each other. The anxious partner in the relationship moves into the other person. They are the partner that wants attention, needs intimacy and feels that it is only through emotional and physical closeness that this person feels satisfied and content in the relationship. The avoidant, as the name implies, wants to move away when he or she -is -feeling threatened by being crowded or pushed in a relationship. This is threatening, -and -it often seems to these people they are being overwhelmed, overloaded and consumed by the anxious person. They feel they have lost their sense of self, their autonomy, -and -their own individual identity, as the anxious partner seeks to move -ever -closer. The Pattern - The signs you can look for to see if you are in an -anxious-avoidant -trap include: - Arguments about nothing – When the anxious partner cannot get the love and intimacy she or he desires or senses the avoidant moving away, they pick a fight to get the attention they crave. No solutions – Not only are there a lot of big arguments about little things, but there are never any solutions. Addressing the real issue, the relationship and feeling overwhelmed are not in the nature of the avoidant. He or she does not want to engage in solving the problem as the problem, in his or her eyes, is the other person. More alone time – The avoidant often creates fights just to be able to push further a-way. As the anxious partner becomes more emotional and more passionate about "fixing" the relationship, the avoidant becomes less engaged and more distant, until they can walk away and find the autonomy they are craving. The regrets – After the verbal outburst and the avoidant leaves, the anxious, who may have said cruel and hurtful things, immediately feels the loss of the partner and starts to think of all the reasons they need to stay together. At the same time, the avoidant is focusing on those negatives, which reinforces the feelings of needing to be away from the other person. At some time-, which may take hours or days or even much longer, there is a reconciliation. However, the avoidant is already a bit more distant, which quickly triggers the anxious partner to repeat the cycle, thus creating the anxious-avoidant trap. Over time, the cycle becomes longer, -and -the reconciliation becomes shorter in total duration. Interestingly, in a 2009 publication in Psychological Science by JA Simpson and others, a study found that both of these attachment types have very different ways of remembering the conflict, with both types remembering their own behavior more favorably after conflict based on what they needed in the relationship. Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Certified Transformation and Recovery Coach and the leading Psychotherapist on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab and Sex Addiction. She helps people find the love of their lives. Take her quiz - to find out if you’re a love addict or sign up for a 30-minute strategy session. She is also the author of “ - The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking your Obsession. ” Sherry maintains a private practice and is a sought after online dating and relationship coach. For more information visit - www.sherrygaba.com.

How To Stop The Pursue-Withdraw Pattern in Your Relationship

support@wellness.com — Wed, 09 Feb 2022 06:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - How To Stop The Pursue-Withdraw Pattern in Your Relationship by Sherry Gaba

Most people have, at some time in their dating past, experienced a pursue-withdraw relationship -pattern. This is also sometimes called a demand-withdraw pattern, and it is almost always the female in the relationship that is pursuing as the male in the relationship is withdrawing. The reason for the pattern is a lack of understanding of the emotional closeness, -or -the connection felt between the pursuing partner and the one being pursued. The person feeling a lack of connection and intimacy may feel this acutely, even though the other partner does not recognize or sense a change in the relationship at all. This may be due to a lack of empathy or even a narcissistic personality, as outlined in my work on codependency, "The Marriage and Relationship Junkie." - Even with a slight or perceived change in the level of attentiveness, the codependent partner, who is already hypersensitive to any changes, senses the distance or the increasing disconnect. For this person, the relationship is everything, so fighting to hold onto it seems like the only option. When the -narcissist -feels the other partner is potentially pulling away, he automatically fears -losing -the relationship, although it is for different reasons. In order for the narcissist (or avoidant), to feel important, superior and desirable, he needs the pursuer. By withdrawing, this forces the pursuer to ramp up in behavior, ultimately making the narcissist feel that he or she is highly desirable and does not need to take any blame or criticism for the problems in the relationship. After the Conflict - The most obvious time for the pursue-withdraw pattern to occur is after a conflict. The conflict always causes a disconnection of the relationship, which the pursuer can see as an immediate and permanent issue. She or he stays -hyper-focused -on the issue, wanting to discuss the issue, to work it out and to somehow correct the problem. To this person, talking to each other, even if it brings about continued or new conflict, is a way of staying connected. The withdrawer is trying his or her best to avoid more conflict. With a partner who is not a narcissist, this withdrawal can be to preserve the relationship and to allow a cooling off period. Of course, the pursuer sees this as more rejection, and the cycle continues. Breaking the Cycle - According to -Dr. Scott R. Woolley at the Alliant International University in San Diego-, there are several options and steps to breaking this pattern. These include: - Detecting a pattern – often this is done in marriage therapy, but couples may also be able to identify their given roles in the pursue-withdraw pattern. Look at the needs – healthy relationships can be scrutinized, where couples talk to each other about where the behavior pattern comes from. They can also share their emotions and what is driving the behavior, but only if this information is not going to be used as a weapon by the partner. Outline their desired response – having a plan is the first step in being able to respond differently in an -emotionally - charged situation.- Planning how you want to behave and how both partners can be helpful in facilitating the change is essential. This is not easy, -and -it will not happen overnight. Working with a therapist is often the most effective way to identify the pattern, discuss the underlying issues and make positive changes to break the cycle. Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Certified Transformation and Recovery Coach and the leading Psychotherapist on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab and Sex Addiction. She helps people find the love of their lives. Take her quiz - to find out if you’re a love addict or sign up for a 30-minute strategy session. She is also the author of “ - The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking your Obsession. ” Sherry maintains a private practice and is a sought after online dating and relationship coach. For more information visit - www.sherrygaba.com.

Loving a Narcissist… Regardless

support@wellness.com — Sat, 12 Sep 2020 07:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - Loving a Narcissist… Regardless by Sherry Gaba

Why do we pick the wrong partners? In my practice as a clinical social worker, I meet many clients, women especially, who settle for less than they deserve because they’re desperate to be in a relationship. What is it that drives some people to believe that having someone (anyone) is better then having no one? - Sometimes people who are bad for us seem exciting in a kind of dangerous way. Sometimes they start out by doting on us, but then change their tune once we’ve been hooked. And sometimes we make ourselves vulnerable because we put up with too much and then stay too long in a relationship, even when things have soured. All three happen when someone desperate for a partner falls for a narcissist. The -Mayo Clinic research group defines narcissistic personality disorder- as “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.” - To understand a narcissist, you have to understand the roots of their disorder. In early childhood, they were not nurtured in a way that made them feel cared for and safe. They feel so insecure and unworthy that they over-compensate by creating a false persona—one who gets everything they want, the instant they want it. This is the exact opposite of who they really were as children. Narcissists project a superiority complex, but deep down they actually feel inferior. They have a huge void, and they must fill it up with adoration, praise, and love from others. But it doesn’t matter how much love and attention you give a narcissist; they will always feel empty. True intimacy is impossible, because that might mean dropping the mask and being seen for the unworthy person that deep down they believe they are. They are charming, and in the beginning they will dote on you. But when the narcissist has hooked their partner, everything changes. They start blaming their partner for everything that goes wrong in a relationship. They pick fights and create problems. This is how they avoid bonding, which they secretly fear. They build up an emotional wall so no one can get close enough to truly know them. When you settle for someone who is a narcissist, you end up obsessively giving and giving, desperately trying to get back to that stage when your partner was so charming and attentive. Before long, you’re denying your own needs and want just to make your partner happy. But inevitably, the narcissist leaves anyway. They always do. If you have a constant need to be adored, you’re an easy target for a narcissist, who has a constant need to be revered. But neither partner will ever get what they need in that kind of a relationship because their needs are, literally, insatiable. How do you know you're dating a narcissist? Narcissists often compliment you in a way that actually makes them seem more desirable. “You’re so beautiful that all my friends will be jealous,” sounds like it’s about you, but really, it’s about them. They love to dominate a conversation, mostly talking about how great they are. They’ll put others down to make themselves feel better. They’re after instant gratification and react badly when you don't give them what they want. They have a sense of entitlement and believe the rules don't apply to them. They seem charming and make lots of promises, but they don’t follow through and aren’t dependable. To keep yourself safe from narcissists and make sure you only allow people into your life who are not in the relationship only for themselves, it’s important to create boundaries. Cultivate your self-esteem so you aren’t relying on another person for your own sense of worth and confidence. Take Sherry's quiz- to find out if you are a love addict. You can find her new book,- The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking Your Obsession here. To learn more about -Sherry Gaba- and her work, visit -www.sherrygaba.com.

Is Your Spouse Having An Emotional Affair?

support@wellness.com — Fri, 14 Aug 2020 07:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - Is Your Spouse Having An Emotional Affair? by Sherry Gaba

An emotional attachment to another person while in a relationship can be just as devastating to a partner as a physical affair. However, it is also possible to simply have a good friend who shares an emotional bond, without being in anything more than a friendship relationship. But sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. According to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, about 35% of married women and 45% of married men self-report as having had at least one emotional affair during the marriage. While it is not unusual for both partners in a marriage to have emotional or physical affairs (or both), in self-reporting online surveys 88% of women and 44% of men stated that they were more concerned about their partners having -emotional- affairs than physical affairs. Recognizing the signs of an emotional affair is often a challenge; it may be changes in your partner's behavior and his or her response to any questions you may have that provide the details needed to make this determination. At the same time, and this is a significant challenge, a manipulative or deceptive partner can explain away the other "relationship" and, if it is online only, may not see it as being unfaithful as there is no physical dimension to the affair. Signs Of A Problem - A spouse may ignore or overlook some of the signs of an emotional affair or even view the situation as a fault of their own. This often causes them to try harder to be their partner's "ideal mate," which only results in pushing them further away. This becomes a vicious cycle that can affect the "offended spouse's" sense of self-esteem, ability to set boundaries and ability to see the issues with the partner's behavior choices. This cycle has to be broken for the offended spouse to see the truth and get out of the toxic relationship. Some of the signs/indicators of an emotional affair include: - Secretive communication – Text messages, phone calls, emails, social media private messages or any number of other forms of communication that are kept secret or hidden are often signs of an emotional affair. Anger and denial – Anger and denial often go hand in hand with secretive communications and behaviors. If the communication is discovered, the "emotional cheater" can become angry and defensive, or simply shut down and refuse to talk about the issue or the questions that you may have. Turning the tables – Often a person having an emotional affair will blame the other partner for the same type of behavior, or bring up a past friendship and make accusations, even if they may be unfounded. Emotionally distant – People in emotional affairs outside of the marriage begin to distance themselves from their spouse or partner. At the same time, they may begin to see the partner as inferior or negative, often pointing out issues that were not apparent in the past. Changes in interests and opinions – It is not uncommon in any new "relationship" to take on the ideas, interests, and values of the person they are spending time with, even if the time is only occurring online or via electronic communications. Lack of attention – If a previously attentive partner seems not to notice when you are upset, when there are changes in your life or when you are concerned about the changes you see in - them - , there may be a deeper reason than just being tired or stressed out at work. If you think your partner is unfaithful, even if it is a long-distance, online type of emotional affair, it is important to consider the short and long-term implications of the behavior and how it fits into your expectations of the relationship. Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Certified Transformation and Recovery Coach and the leading Psychotherapist on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab and Sex Addiction. She helps people find the love of their lives. Take her quiz- to find out if you’re a love addict or sign up for a 30-minute strategy session. She is also the author of “-The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking your Obsession.-” Sherry maintains a private practice and is a sought after online dating and relationship coach. For more information visit -www.sherrygaba.com. References: - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-gets-better/201406/emotional-affairs-why-they-hurt-so-much - https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091 - https://couplestherapyinc.com/emotional-affairs/

What Do Healthy Relationships Look Like?

support@wellness.com — Thu, 13 Aug 2020 07:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - What Do Healthy Relationships Look Like? by Sherry Gaba

We all tend to pair up with people who view the world the way we do; not that they have the same politics or taste in food, but they have the same ideas about what relationships look like and how partners treat each other. Our parents or other caregivers model relationships for us. Sometimes they’re good models that will work well for us all our lives. But sometimes they're not. And when they're not, we still tend to pair up with people who have the same ideas about relationships. So then we get stuck making the same unhealthy connections our parents did, again and again, and wondering why we’re never happy. How we conduct ourselves in a relationship becomes habit, -good or bad. So what can we do about it? - We need to learn what healthy relationships look like so we can stop repeating those negative patterns that lead to conflict and unhappiness. Of course, different types of connections work for different types of people, but in general... Partners in a healthy relationship know who they are, they feel good about themselves, they are secure individuals and are ready to make some level of commitment. Healthy relationships are - not - rooted in fantasy. Both partners have - realistic - expectations about how much happiness should come from the relationship. They know that in all relationships there are days when things will feel incredibly exciting and days when the relationship will feel ordinary; it’s -not- all or nothing, it's not all intoxicating romance and it's not all unbearable pain. Healthy relationships are a healthy mix of those two extremes. Compatibility and ease in a relationship come from being alike or having a high tolerance of differences. Healthy couples are sexually compatible, meaning they have similar preferences and ideas about what makes for good sex. And they are comfortable communicating about sex. They also have similar values about things like money, religion, monogamy, and parenting—although these certainly do not have to be identical. When it comes to family, the traditions and rituals of each partner’s family must be renegotiated—so both partners need to be flexible enough to do that—and the couple will create some of their own rituals and traditions. Both people depend on each other. That dependence makes the other person feel safe, and nurtures their resourcefulness and resilience. Because both partners are dependable, both feel more fearless and more self-sufficient. They celebrate that strength and independence in each other. Healthy couples spend quality time -together- and quality time -apart. They share some interests, but they do not share every moment. They have fun -with- each other and they have fun -without- each other. They have personal boundaries that the other partner respects. There is patience and tolerance, there is give and take. Each partner is able to ask for what they want. They say what they mean, directly but with sensitivity. It is this kind of honesty that engenders trust. This is an area that many couples need to improve upon. Sound too good to be true? In even the best relationships couples have their ups and downs. They disagree, they argue, sometimes even fight with raised voices. But there is a basic willingness to negotiate and compromise, to face problems together without overreacting, and to make sacrifices now and then. When they fight, healthy couples fight fair, expressing their opinions without attacking the other person. They do not dish out or tolerate abuse. They -listen- as well as talk. They are role models for each other, rather than nags. They are even role models for those around them, especially children. At the end of a fight, something has been understood and something has been resolved. If this resonates with you, then eventually you will find such a relationship. If you are currently in a relationship that does not seem healthy, it might be time to take steps to get it healthy. Healthy relationships are definitely worth waiting for or working for. If it sounds a little crazy, think again about what you’ve been pursuing, who you learned it from, and whether that’s really - your - path to happiness. Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Certified Transformation and Recovery Coach and the leading Psychotherapist on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab and Sex Addiction. She helps people find the love of their lives. Take her quiz- to find out if you’re a love addict or sign up for a -30-minute strategy session. She is also the author of “-The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking your Obsession.-” Sherry maintains a private practice and is a sought after online dating and relationship coach. For more information visit -www.sherrygaba.com.

Can Marriage Be a Lonely Place?

support@wellness.com — Wed, 19 Feb 2020 08:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - Can Marriage Be a Lonely Place? by Sherry Gaba

It seems like a strange contradiction, but it’s not uncommon for people in committed relationships to be lonely. They may miss having a sense of emotional closeness with their partner, or they may just feel a vague sense of dissatisfaction, or that something isn't right in the relationship. When our emotional needs aren't being met, loneliness is often the result. It’s not unreasonable to expect love, affection, and companionship in a marriage, along with being appreciated and accepted, heard, and understood. Yet -one study -looking at people in 17 countries found that while married people are generally less lonely than single people and even couples who are cohabitating, they are not immune to loneliness. In -another study-, 40% of married people said they feel lonely sometimes or often. These and other studies suggest that when marriages are working well, they protect the people in them from loneliness. Conversely, the less satisfied a person is with their marriage, the lonelier they are. It’s tempting to blame your loneliness on your spouse, but they may not be the cause. Withholding affection, self-centeredness, fear of intimacy, extreme neediness, and addiction can all cause loneliness in a marriage. But so can absent or dysfunctional communication. In fact, people who confide in their spouses about the really important things in life also tend to be less lonely than married people who typically confide in someone other than their partner. Sometimes loneliness comes from within ourselves, as we push away or shut out those who wish to be close. These behaviors stem from childhood traumas that we’ve never shaken free from. In fact, -one study- found that for both men and women, adverse childhood events were associated with loneliness. Emotional abandonment as children sets us up for adult relationships that can leave us with intimacy issues and feelings of shame, dissatisfaction, and loneliness—even within a marriage. When we think of emotional abandonment, we think of horribly neglectful parents—ones who were never around, never took care of us, or were verbally or even physically abusive. But even when a child’s material needs are met, even when he or she is not overtly abused, there can be trauma. Children need to know that both parents love them, that both parents accept their uniqueness and want to have a loving relationship with them. Adults who do not realize they have suffered emotional abandonment sometimes report that they had a good relationship with one parent but a contentious relationship with the other. Or they may have felt like an outsider in their own family. Emotional abandonment can also result when children end up taking care of their parents—emotionally, physically, or both. The parent may discuss or confide things that the child isn’t old enough to understand or cope with, or expect him or her to take on responsibilities that children can't handle. When that happens, the child must put aside their needs and wants and focus on the needs and wants of the parent. Love and attention may be offered only conditionally, when the child does what the parent needs. A parent who is self-absorbed or depressed or troubled may simply withdraw his or her attention. Or the child may be bathed in attention, but only the kind the parent wishes to provide—not what the child actually needs. An example might be parents who are super supportive of their child playing sports when the child is actually interested in reading or art. Children and teenagers can also feel abandoned emotionally when they perceive that they are being treated unfairly, if they are constantly controlled or criticized, or if they’re made to feel that what they are feeling or experiencing or thinking about is wrong or unimportant. This kind of abandonment trauma teaches us to deny and suppress our feelings. Feelings of shame and unworthiness arise when we crave intimacy and attention, so we keep to ourselves emotionally and create distance between ourselves and our partner. We may end up being emotionally unavailable, and/or attract people who are distant and withholding. Either way, both people in the marriage end up feeling lonely. The following are several tips for reducing loneliness in your marriage or relationship. 1. Attempt connection. If you’re lonely, most likely so is your partner. Your partner is most likely feeling as disconnected as you. Try to start communicating with your partner about things you know they care about or are important to them. Be patient. In time they will most likely reciprocate the gesture. 2. Experience moments together.- If your partner loves sports and you don’t, try to join in. They are sure to be surprised but it’s the gesture that counts. Let them know what you enjoyed about the experience. Or come up with simple activities like a short walk, cooking together, browse through photo albums of when you dated or got married bringing back memories where you were once more connected. 3. Understand where your partner is coming from. It goes back to the old adage, "by walking in their shoes, you will understand your partner better;" and everyone wants to be understood. Imagine how they view the world, what are their belief systems, and what do they value? This gives you the ability to have more compassion for them, which will in turn create a deeper connection with them. Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Certified Transformation and Recovery Coach and the leading Psychotherapist on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab and Sex Addiction. She helps people find the love of their lives. Take her quiz- to find out if you’re a love addict or sign up for a 30-minute strategy session. She is also the author of “-The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking your Obsession.” Sherry maintains a private practice and is a sought after online dating and relationship coach. For more information visit -www.sherrygaba.com.

Seeing People For Who They Are And Not Who We Want Them To Be

support@wellness.com — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 08:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - Seeing People For Who They Are And Not Who We Want Them To Be by Sherry Gaba

There is an old saying about love being blind, and to some degree that is true. When people first meet and are attracted to each other, there is a release of brain chemicals, -most notably dopamine and serotonin-, which are the feel-good chemicals in the brain. In addition, research shows there are a lot of other senses and physiological responses going on in our bodies. All of these make us feel great, excited about being with the person and even unable to see parts of their personality, behaviors, and traits that we simply do not want to see or acknowledge. For a healthy, non-love addicted adult, this high level of awareness and pleasure fades over time, and often we discover behaviors, traits, and issues that are unappealing or simply not a good match for our beliefs, lifestyle or values. At this point, a healthy person without a love addiction will break off the relationship, feeling confident they can be alone and find a more suitable partner. The relationship and marriage addicted individual does - not - have this type of ability. She or he only wants to see the good in the person, the potential for the romantic, idealized and fantasy love they have always been seeking. It is not as if they do not ever see the negative or the abusive issues; rather they are willing to simply block them out, make excuses or blame themselves for the issue. The love addicted individual- will do whatever it takes to stay in the relationship. This may even mean cutting off friends and family members who don't agree with the relationship or attempt to point out reality. At this point, thinking about the relationship and the fantasy of the other person as the perfect match becomes an obsession. This behavior and thinking are clearly described in my new book, The Marriage and Relationship Junkie" by Sherry Gaba and Beth Adelman. The more the addict obsesses about the relationship, the more delusional the thinking becomes about the other partner being Mr. or Mrs. Right, even though that is clearly not the experience or the case. Making The Change - It is very difficult to overcome trauma, abuse, abandonment, family dysfunction and lack of appropriate role models which are at the heart of many issues with relationship and marriage addiction. Counseling and therapy will be instrumental in helping individuals to pinpoint these issues, examine them in a safe and supportive therapeutic environment, and to learn to develop new and healthy coping mechanisms for being in relationships in the future. One of the most important behaviors to change is moving from fantasy thinking about new partners and new relationships to addressing the reality of the individual. While this may seem counterintuitive, the first place to start is to see yourself honestly. This means accepting the trauma of the past and learning to appreciate yourself as a unique individual who has developed skills, abilities, talents, and expertise. Once you can truly say you love yourself and are comfortable on your own, you can then see others without the driving and blinding need to be in a relationship and with another person. Take Sherry's quiz to find out if you are a love addict. You can find her new book, The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking Your Obsession -here. To learn more about Sherry Gaba and her work, visit -www.sherrygaba.com. Sources: - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5378292/ - http://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/

Dating Apps And Love Addiction: The Hidden Connection

support@wellness.com — Fri, 06 Sep 2019 07:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - Dating Apps And Love Addiction: The Hidden Connection by Sherry Gaba

In my new book, "The Marriage and Relationship Junkie," I illustrate a clear picture of how relationship and marriage addiction develop and how people can change the course of the addiction in order to develop healthy, sustainable and positive relationships. One of the big issues noted in the book is the concern about the ability to connect with others online and through dating apps. For a person with a love, relationship or marriage addiction this provides a virtually limitless opportunity to engage in obsessive searches for the perfect partner or to continue to connect with people after a breakup (in unhealthy and potentially dangerous ways). The Addiction Within the Addiction - Anyone who has gone online and spent time on a social media site or looking through an app that offers something of interest has had the experience of losing time and spending hours searching for all types of information, products or options. A love and relationship addict can do the same, where the use of the technology and the ability to see endless numbers of "ideal" new partners creates an addiction of its own. Where a person with a healthy understanding of relationships may get on a matchmaking site or app and spend a limited amount of time, the relationship and marriage addict spends hours a day, often to the detriment of other areas of their life. In this way, the addiction to the screen time and the constant supply of potential partners become another addictive behavior. He or she may feel that if they aren't online, they will miss the perfect partner. The compulsion to be online can impact their job, their interest in being with others in their life and create further isolation and feelings of being alone until they find someone to respond. The individual with relationship and marriage addiction will create elaborate fantasies of having someone on the app sweep them off their feet in a romantic, fantastic courtship that simply is not reflective of reality. Even people without a pre-existing relationship and marriage addiction can become addicted to these online dating apps. Apps like Tinder, which is used around the globe, reports that 26 million matches are made per day. However, according to the Pew Research Center, only about 5% of online meetings become committed relationships, with about 90% of initial contact by one party being ignored by the other. For a person with a relationship and marriage addiction this creates a very significant issue. While there are lots of possible matches, there is also the 90% rate of non-response, further fueling thoughts of not being wanted, lovable or desirable. Turning to the apps is often a coping mechanism after the breakup of an existing relationship. Within minutes the relationship and marriage addict can start sending messages to the next fantasy partner. This often creates feelings of guilt in the addict, but the powerful draw of the possibilities of the relationships keeps them returning time and time again. Take my quiz to find out if you are a love addict. You can find my new book, -The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking Your Obsession here. To learn more about me and my work, visit -www.sherrygaba.com.

The One Thing You Absolutely Need to Find a Great Partner

support@wellness.com — Sat, 10 Nov 2018 08:00:00 Z

Wellness.com - The One Thing You Absolutely Need to Find a Great Partner by Sherry Gaba

I’ll admit, that title sounds kind of like an ad for perfume or positivity or plastic surgery. But you don’t need to go shopping for the one thing you absolutely need to find a great partner. Because—surprise!— - what you really need is to know in your heart that you’re just fine on your own. That means you’re secure in yourself, you’ve built a life you enjoy, and nobody else is going to “make you complete.” A partner would be wonderful, but only the right partner. Until/unless you find them, you can date for fun and friendship, hang out with your friends and family, and complete yourself. How strongly do I feel about this? - As long as you feel you can’t live without a partner, you shouldn’t live with a partner. I say that because it’s really impossible to have a healthy relationship when you’re desperate to get paired up. Authentic partnerships are based on respect and trust and shared values—not desperation. Desperation makes you unattractive to well-grounded, self-assured people (the people you should be looking for), and an easy mark for those who want to take advantage of you. It keeps you in relationships you know will never really work out, long after they have turned sour. And that’s a recipe for a lifetime of settling for less than you want and deserve. Desperation sets in when you believe you need a partner to be happy. But you are setting yourself up for relationship failure and disappointment when you believe someone else is responsible for your wellbeing. Thinking that way stops you from setting healthy boundaries and asking for what you need and want. It prevents you from being your authentic self in a relationship. You can read a lot more about this in my book, -“The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking your Obsession.” - Ask yourself: - When did you start believing that only a partner can complete you? Was it as early as your childhood, or later, when your friends started to get married? Think about what events and people influenced this belief. Try to understand where it came from, and you’ll have a better handle on why you believe it. What is missing inside of you that makes you feel you are not enough and must have a partner to complete you? Is it a sense of being cared for and nurtured? You can get that from being part of a community—maybe your circle of friends or your church or your family or your choir or hiking club. You don't have to get everything you need from just one person. Let your circle hold you up. And don't forget to nurture yourself. What did you gain by believing this lie? What did you lose? Chances are you’ve lost a lot more than you’ve gained. Do you find yourself giving up the activities you love, friends, family members, pets, to fit into someone else’s life? Have you done things to your body (such as extreme weight loss or cosmetic procedures or plastic surgery) to try to make yourself more attractive—sacrificing any sense of comfort with your own body? - What would happen if you were on your own? Would you then be half a person? Of course not! Stop thinking you are not fully you, not really whole. Everything you need is right inside you. If you feel empty, only you can fill you up. The right partner would add to your life—I don't deny that. But a partner can’t sustain your life. Only you can do that. You’re already whole, with or without a partner. How would you feel if you knew in your heart that- you- completed you? When you get there, you can happily bide your time and wait until the right one comes along.
Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Certified Transformation and Recovery Coach and the leading Psychotherapist on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab and Sex Addiction. She helps singles navigate the dating process to find the love of their lives. Take her quiz- to find out if you’re a love addict or sign up for a -30-minute strategy session. She is also the author of -“The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking your Obsession.”- Sherry maintains a private practice in Westlake Village, and is a sought after online dating and relationship coach. For more information visit -www.sherrygaba.com.