"I'm Sorry:" Expressing Regret the Right Way

2018-09-24T07:00:00Z

Wellness.com - "I'm Sorry:" Expressing Regret the Right Way by Nancy Pina

When conflict arises, are you the person who's quick to apologize, wanting to sweep everything under the rug so the tension goes away? Or are you the one who tends to hold that hurt for a while, allowing the offensive words to gain a life of their own?

Most of us identify with one approach or the other when arguments happen in love. The problem is neither response leads to a true reconciliation that enhances the relationship and leads to a better understanding of each other.

The good news is there a method to apologizing that will not only allow your words to be heard, but also lead to emotional healing. The key is to learn how to ask for forgiveness in a way that conveys the message of regret, in a manner your significant other needs to hear in order to accept your apology.

Asking for forgiveness is a lifestyle choice because a sincere apology carries with it the motivation to turn from the former way which caused the distress and go in another direction. The trust in your relationship grows when you demonstrate change in your actions and behaviors.

As a relationship coach, I have advised individuals to remember that whenever one overreacts to a comment or situation that there is something else that is triggering the reaction. It's not in the current moment; you just put your finger on the button.

Have you had this experience in love?

You're engaged in some teasing banter with your loved one that goes a bit too far. You know just as the offending comment came out of your mouth, you said the wrong thing and a blow up was about to take place.

Perhaps this type of episode?

During a pleasant evening together you say something that triggers an eruption from your loved one. You are so surprised and all you can say is "I'm sorry," which your sweetheart can't hear in the heat of the moment. You don't know what you need to be sorry about, but you know now it was obviously the wrong thing to say.

Those episodes can shake the relationship emotionally, but can be ideal opportunities to achieve closeness if you learn how to communicate your regret in the right way. Here's my advice on how you can communicate a successful apology:-

-Don't get defensive:- Don't underplay the other person's feelings and try to wiggle out of the conflict. Just because what you said wouldn't hurt you, those memories and emotions are very real and deserve your compassion.

-Take ownership of your words:- Include in your apology the words, "I am sorry that my (behavior/comment/tone of voice, etc.) hurt you." Period. Do not add a "but" disclaimer as it cancels out the apology. Communicate your understanding of what caused the distress and admit you are remorseful.

-Ask for forgiveness:- It's hard to ask for forgiveness when you believe you have not done anything wrong, but that approach communicates a lack of respect for your loved one's feelings. It's just not your emotional hot button. Relationships have a way of balancing out when you practice love and compassion over the need to win every battle.

-Don't panic:- The eruption may need a cooling off period before your relationship gets back to normal. Sometimes you may need to write out what you said so the apology can sink in.

No one likes tension in a love relationship, however rushing the process of working through an issue can lead to resentment. Glossing over blowups, coughing up an apology out of obligation and not looking at the deeper meaning behind the argument can easily lead to emotional separation.

Ideally, I encourage couples to use these experiences to deepen their relationships. On the other side of the argument is an opportunity to learn more about the emotional trigger from your loved one's perspective.

Every situation that happens in your relationship is a point of learning about yourself. Even if you initially reject the accusation, it is important to honestly assess if there is truth in those statements. Your willingness to embrace a teachable attitude will enrich your relationship and lead to a more fulfilling commitment.

Is Your Dating Style All About You?

2012-09-17T07:00:00Z

Wellness.com - Is Your Dating Style All About You? by Nancy Pina

Dating brings a rush of emotions to the surface and no matter what has happened in the past, there is usually a sense of anticipation before the date. Could this person be "the one" is the question from the heart. Your experiences in dating, love and commitment are directly related to your past thoughts. What you expect to happen does happen in love. Your purposeful thoughts influence your relationships and the type of person you attract.

As a relationship coach, I teach others that identifying the problem is one thing; what to do next is the challenge. How does one stop a past relationship pattern and attract the right one?

Many people who have had a history of bad dates or relationships that did not work out often think the past is not responsible for the conditions of the present. If this is your belief, you may tell yourself that it is a lack of available quality individuals to date that keeps your dreams of lasting love out of reach. What you experience in love is definitely all about you because you have preprogramed and predetermined what will happen.

The good news?

If you are unhappy with the conditions of your love life today, you can make adjustments. This is not a permanent condition if you are willing to retrain your thought life.

Ask yourself, "Am I alert to what I'm thinking about in love?"

Your mind is powerful and every thought you embrace will lead to that particular type of dating and relationship experience. Statements you speak over your dating life are important ... nothing is frivolous and will lead to corresponding consequences. Change your thoughts and mindsets and you change your love life forever.

The flow of your thoughts works like this:

• Thoughts lead to actions
• Actions lead to the formation of habits
• Habits shape character
• Character determines your destiny.

Your thoughts are the controller of your life. They are not stagnant and move you in the direction you meditate on.

Do you want to be happy in love, secure and confident?

Start thinking positive thoughts on purpose and rejecting negative statements that do not lead you to your desired goals. If you are stuck in love, here are my suggestions to examining thoughts that pertain to love and your expectations.

1. Determine Your Life Foundation. Every person has a foundation for the life they have built. That basis determines truth and becomes the filter. Worthy mindsets are those that are based on a positive, solid foundation.

2. What is the Source of this Thought? Many times habits are formed early in life as a way to emotionally protect oneself from drama. Instead of developing new habits, many people try to make the old ones fit. It is important to process the feelings and hurts of the past so you are not bringing former preconceived ideas to the present. Left unattended, those mindsets will taint your perception of love.

3. Will This Thought Take Me Where I Want to Go in Love? If you think you will attract people who are losers ... or people who treat you with disrespect ... or people who are unreliable and untrustworthy, without a doubt those thoughts will take you in that very direction. You cannot expect an emotionally healthy relationship to happen if you do not feel worthy of receiving that type of love.

You can experience the right relationship that leads to commitment if you are willing to prepare for it. Love with the right person is very fulfilling, but the process of getting there starts with you. Your dating life should be all about you.

When you know where you have been in love, how you got there and where you want to go now, you can achieve the dreams and desires of your heart. Right love is an attainable goal with planning, starting with embracing thoughts which line up with where you want to go.

Nancy Pina is a highly recognized author, relationship coach and speaker. She is dedicated to helping individuals attract emotionally healthy relationships through her practical Christian based advice. Visit www.rightrelationshipstv.com for articles and exercises. Her recent books and free App can be found at http://www.rightrelationshipstv.com/books.html.

Wellness Posts by Nancy Pina

"I'm Sorry:" Expressing Regret the Right Way

Is Your Dating Style All About You?