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Alright I am 29 and have been married for about 10 years. My wife and I have 3 kids which I love very much. I don't understand why the past 3 years our marriage has been going down hill. Our intimacy is pretty much non existant. We sleep on opposite sides of the bed, she does not want me to touch her. She give me dirty looks like she is digusted with me and always threaten that she is gonna leave me. I have made some mistakes when we first got together and last year she found some messages on my laptop where I was chatting with some ladies, but thats as far as it went. I just needed someone to talk to because she shows me zero affection. She is always telling me i'm worthless and a piece of sh*t. I don't get it, I joined the military because I could not support them properly and she agreed it would be a good idea. In fact it was mostly her idea. She always dwells in the past and has anger problems. She want's me to devote 100% of my time to her and tailor her every need, but when I ask for something she blows me off like i'm trash. I feel like my marraige is not going to survive, and I think she feels the same way. I have worked way to hard to build my family up to the point where we are at now, and it would destroy me to throw it down the drain. She seems to not care what happens, she always threatens me with "you'll be sh*t out of luck because you will have to pay me so much child support and alimony that you life's gonna suck, but i'll be ok without you." That makes me feel so bad, I don't want to lose my family. I love my wife and my children so much. My life has never been better, but how can I save my marrige before its too late.

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Hello,

I read your posting and I feel really bad. I too have been treating my husband the same way. As I read your podting, I realize that I should not treat him this way because it's hurtful. I suggest that you speak with your wife and tell her how you're feeling and counseling would help. Whatever you do divorce is not the answer.

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Hear is to all that are grieving in their relationships.
Plain out relationships are hard, at times, but you should always be able to count the smiley faces on the calander days.

People do change, it just happens, nothing is forever, it is o.k. to change or feel changed, it's life. There is nothing that says we have to stay the same for anyone and we shouldn't expect others to either.

It's difficult when there is change, you may feel your loved less or unloved, it is scary. but it doesn't mean anyone is good or bad, it just means they are alive and their journey is experiencing an alteration and so is yours. And sometimes, all though, it doesn't feel like it at first it may be for the better (for one, for the other or both). Just remember that your journey is going on too and it may not feel good or right for the moment but deep down it's right if your honest with yourself and with the other, time will heal, in its own time not yours, when you are ready and you will know it, again you will find someone or maybe the same person again, when the time is ready. Don't ask for answers if they don't have none, it may be the truth, and if it's not, maybe because they just don't want to hurt you Or maybe they don't know themselves. Ask yourself, "How can someone offer the good in themselves if they are not sure with what they are really feeling on the inside?" You can't blame the person or yourself, You just have to keep going and be unselfish, truely be kind, love those as you would hope they can 'Reflect' the love back with true intensions. Don't become bitter, I know it's hard, but try to understand it, as it is, not in great detail, and try to live. No two lives are to come together and break eachother down and make them feel empty. A marriage is a work of art, a union, a bond, a life to spend together, it is precious, and it's never easy when you expect to receive. It should come natural.

and those who financially threaten their spouse with kids and fiances, your just afraid of yourself, give your part into the children and allow friendship, The kids should not know distrust and hate from the people who mean the most to them, otherwise you may have just warped them and their future in society. I wish you all well, I know it is not easy, but you either separate from the person or you humble yourself at all times and for the children and your sake. that does not mean to get walked on but to use tact. god Bless and I wish you well. As I do myself.

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neutraljourney wrote: Hear is to all that are grieving in their relationships. Plain out relationships are hard, at times, but you should always be able to count the smiley faces on the calander days. People do change, it just happens, nothing is forever, it is o.k. to change or feel changed, it's life. There is nothing that says we have to stay the same for anyone and we shouldn't expect others to either. It's difficult when there is change, you may feel your loved less or unloved, it is scary. but it doesn't mean anyone is good or bad, it just means they are alive and their journey is experiencing an alteration and so is yours. And sometimes, all though, it doesn't feel like it at first it may be for the better (for one, for the other or both). Just remember that your journey is going on too and it may not feel good or right for the moment but deep down it's right if your honest with yourself and with the other, time will heal, in its own time not yours, when you are ready and you will know it, again you will find someone or maybe the same person again, when the time is ready. Don't ask for answers if they don't have none, it may be the truth, and if it's not, maybe because they just don't want to hurt you Or maybe they don't know themselves. Ask yourself, "How can someone offer the good in themselves if they are not sure with what they are really feeling on the inside?" You can't blame the person or yourself, You just have to keep going and be unselfish, truely be kind, love those as you would hope they can 'Reflect' the love back with true intensions. Don't become bitter, I know it's hard, but try to understand it, as it is, not in great detail, and try to live. No two lives are to come together and break eachother down and make them feel empty. A marriage is a work of art, a union, a bond, a life to spend together, it is precious, and it's never easy when you expect to receive. It should come natural. and those who financially threaten their spouse with kids and fiances, your just afraid of yourself, give your part into the children and allow friendship, The kids should not know distrust and hate from the people who mean the most to them, otherwise you may have just warped them and their future in society. I wish you all well, I know it is not easy, but you either separate from the person or you humble yourself at all times and for the children and your sake. that does not mean to get walked on but to use tact. god Bless and I wish you well. As I do myself.

You must be kidding?! From the sounds of your response I have to say you must be working in the divorse industry. Doesn't enyone have the guts to tell a spouse "if he's so bad tell me why?" "prove it". And if this is just something you've been developing in your head for the past year or years seek help. Every where I turn they all say the same thing "ah... thats too bad but you'll get over it and it's for the better. Well if someone close to me was murdered I would also eventually get over it too but the killer is shown what they did was wrong and people try to help them to show them why it is wrong and they are punished. I'm not saying jail time for my x wife but it would be nice to have someone in this industry simply say to my x "if he is so bad prove it". Because she has hurt so many people and so far all everyone has ever heard is either lies (if they are gullable) or it's none of their business. My family had it all and I always did my best. The week before my wife left, since her schedule was busy, we cleaned the house, picked her flowers, washed and vaccumed her truck and I donlt know what else. then she leaves and says "no woman should ever be treated as I treated her". Now instead of living in a nice home she lives in a 2 bedroom apartment, instead of driving her choice of car she has to borrow one, instead of a trip or 2 to the carribean she scrapes just to get her grocery money. I was a loving husband just like the military guy and got the same treatment as him. I think someone should syart sitting these women down and telling them to give their head a shake and stop being so selfish, it's not about just you princess's

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what? wrote: neutraljourney wrote: Hear is to all that are grieving in their relationships. Plain out relationships are hard, at times, but you should always be able to count the smiley faces on the calander days. People do change, it just happens, nothing is forever, it is o.k. to change or feel changed, it's life. There is nothing that says we have to stay the same for anyone and we shouldn't expect others to either. It's difficult when there is change, you may feel your loved less or unloved, it is scary. but it doesn't mean anyone is good or bad, it just means they are alive and their journey is experiencing an alteration and so is yours. And sometimes, all though, it doesn't feel like it at first it may be for the better (for one, for the other or both). Just remember that your journey is going on too and it may not feel good or right for the moment but deep down it's right if your honest with yourself and with the other, time will heal, in its own time not yours, when you are ready and you will know it, again you will find someone or maybe the same person again, when the time is ready. Don't ask for answers if they don't have none, it may be the truth, and if it's not, maybe because they just don't want to hurt you Or maybe they don't know themselves. Ask yourself, "How can someone offer the good in themselves if they are not sure with what they are really feeling on the inside?" You can't blame the person or yourself, You just have to keep going and be unselfish, truely be kind, love those as you would hope they can 'Reflect' the love back with true intensions. Don't become bitter, I know it's hard, but try to understand it, as it is, not in great detail, and try to live. No two lives are to come together and break eachother down and make them feel empty. A marriage is a work of art, a union, a bond, a life to spend together, it is precious, and it's never easy when you expect to receive. It should come natural. and those who financially threaten their spouse with kids and fiances, your just afraid of yourself, give your part into the children and allow friendship, The kids should not know distrust and hate from the people who mean the most to them, otherwise you may have just warped them and their future in society. I wish you all well, I know it is not easy, but you either separate from the person or you humble yourself at all times and for the children and your sake. that does not mean to get walked on but to use tact. god Bless and I wish you well. As I do myself. You must be kidding?! From the sounds of your response I have to say you must be working in the divorse industry. Doesn't enyone have the guts to tell a spouse "if he's so bad tell me why?" "prove it". And if this is just something you've been developing in your head for the past year or years seek help. Every where I turn they all say the same thing "ah... thats too bad but you'll get over it and it's for the better. Well if someone close to me was murdered I would also eventually get over it too but the killer is shown what they did was wrong and people try to help them to show them why it is wrong and they are punished. I'm not saying jail time for my x wife but it would be nice to have someone in this industry simply say to my x "if he is so bad prove it". Because she has hurt so many people and so far all everyone has ever heard is either lies (if they are gullable) or it's none of their business. My family had it all and I always did my best. The week before my wife left, since her schedule was busy, we cleaned the house, picked her flowers, washed and vaccumed her truck and I donlt know what else. then she leaves and says "no woman should ever be treated as I treated her". Now instead of living in a nice home she lives in a 2 bedroom apartment, instead of driving her choice of car she has to borrow one, instead of a trip or 2 to the carribean she scrapes just to get her grocery money. I was a loving husband just like the military guy and got the same treatment as him. I think someone should syart sitting these women down and telling them to give their head a shake and stop being so selfish, it's not about just you princess's

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well hello!?/Yes im un-happy,even too the point of thinking about taking my own life but that hasent helped me either because im so sad most of the time,there are so many things going on all at the same time in my life that it gets confusing,do any of you know what its like to live with some one that doesent want to kiss you or cuddle up next to you at night when you go to sleep.can you understand how lonely it is .good bye

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Dear Honestly

Yes, I do. And I understandof the way your thinking. If you don't mind I would like to share with you some things.

It is your continual thinking and the portions you focus on that are going to keep you in this depressive state and condition. I don't know too much at all of your situation but I can relate and need to let you know, it isn't always this way in relationships.
I will share some understanding on little I know of your relationship that may help alieve some of your grief so that you can start moving again.

First you sound like a very compassionate person, in meaning that you need the attention, affection, and interrelationship, to help balance your overall well-being.
If I knew more of what was going on maybe I'd be able to reply more overall to your state of unhappiness.

Let me try to give you some awareness insight:

First assess yourself. Take a good look and see what you have to offer as a human being to another, working does play on our role of acceptability to our partners if there is a money struggle, I know its hard times and a one income support system are rare these days. Sometimes a financial struggle plays a toll, and unfortunately some are judged by it.
What is your role in the relationship? Are you fullfilling the 'exptectations' of not only yours but your partners? Is it communication? Is it attention? If you are not sure see if you can sit with the person and have a heart to heart dicussion (no distractions, like the t.v.,or phones, ect)

Can you figure out, forget it sit down and ask the person. But approach in a gentle manner. Begin with I really want to have this conversation because.......
Try not to point fingers, raise your voice, and if some old hash comes up from a year ago, drop it. Unless it's reoccurring and an issue to what is going on.

Now you've probably done all this. If yes, and you feel nothings helping.

Then you need to reconcider, Am I giving it my all? Is this 'the all' that this person can give? Did something change me or did something change them, that is not easy to deal with.

Is this how the person always was? Did I think I could change them? Did they think they could change me? Look back in the beginning, then when all the physical attraction has settled, and being in the ol' familiar. Has it decompensated? Is it just the manner of re-dating?
Relationships are work, and being familiar after awhile, with all of the other lifes stuff, its just hard work to get physical, the desire just isn't that easy to restore. But it doesn't mean they love you less.
Have the heart to heart. It's work.
Sometimes we love another person so much. We think they should love us the same way back. That is not letting them be them, but us trying to change who they are for our own needs. If we can identify with their character we can see that that may just be who they are with anybody, it not just you, this is them and how they handle themselves in the everyday world.

If this is true, you can still love the person with all your heart, but do you love them for the right fullfilling reasons? Is it their looks? Just been with them for years? Think you can't find anyone else, period?
Do you love yourself as who you are? or is your self esteem adding to the mess? sit back and ask yourself these questions AND don't feel terrible about yourself or the condition. This is the steps to a new awareness into the situation that starts change.
I want you to understand this as well, please don't take it defensive, does your partner have health, mental, spiritual, issues? These definately factor in to why they as well as ourselves are the way they are.   
It may not be the either of you but the stressful conditions that are going on.

I wish you well, I understand your grievance and I truely don't think love should always feel that way.

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I am responding to this comment. "What?" Please feel free to respond back.

neutraljourney wrote: Hear is to all that are grieving in their relationships. Plain out relationships are hard, at times, but you should always be able to count the smiley faces on the calander days. People do change, it just happens, nothing is forever, it is o.k. to change or feel changed, it's life. There is nothing that says we have to stay the same for anyone and we shouldn't expect others to either. .

You must be kidding?! From the sounds of your response I have to say you must be working in the divorse industry.

No, I don't work for the divorce industry, I believe in marriage very much, However, I do not feel that a percentage in society recognizes the determental understanding and committment of it (Does not satistics show?) If people could understand what it truely means, especially when in love, perhaps they would be able to work on the kinks, Do you disagree? Now, I do look at reality, people do change for what ever reason, they're not robotic and not all would commit their lives to a circumstance that would be displeasing mentally, physically, and/or emotionally. For those that do, and are able to rekindle, congradulations, because its hard work otherwise it wouldn't have become so off kiltered. What do you think?



Doesn't enyone have the guts to tell a spouse "if he's so bad tell me why?" "prove it".



Do you really think that's a question???? If you sense something feeling odd wouldn't that be a given?

Usually, that is the question when someone cares about the relationship.



Doesn't enyone have the guts to tell a spouse "if he's so bad tell me why?" "prove it".



It's not about 'tell a spouse', that, "he is......." and proving anything. It's the ability of sitting down with that person and communicate. If your going to talk with your guts, what is your primary motive? what are you trying to 'prove?', talk with your heart and stay on the objective you MAY just get a heart to heart response

and feel better.



If a spouse is doing something wrong, particularly repeatedly, in the marriage. There has been a certain 'respect' lost.   And if it is repeatedly, get a clue, he is probably enjoying it why else disrespect the other? It is some type of personel gain. Which goes back to, what is the values of a marriage.





And if this is just something you've been developing in your head for the past year or years seek help.



Counciling can really help the others see thru their partners eyes and even understand and lean toward a compromise, that's why the counciler is there to mediate and keep the session on focus. That hour is great if you really put your souls into EVEN AFTER you leave the building.   It takes two to make a relationship and one to break it. Both hearts must value really want the same thing out of the marriage.





Every where I turn they all say the same thing "ah... thats too bad but you'll get over it and it's for the better.



Love can hurt especially in a breakup. Sometimes it is better, a marriage should be for the two and not self serving only 'one'. If your going through it and receiving the comment above, maybe, it really is for the better, sometimes people outside of the relationship can see alot clearer than those in or denying what is going on. It could also be what you tell them, maybe it really sounds better for someone and less grief.



If the relationship is coming apart and both beings are not trying to repair it , why should one suffer for the other? What gain is that harmonously for the person who is being cheated on, mistreated, or disrespected.



Well if someone close to me was murdered I would also eventually get over it too but the killer is shown what they did was wrong and people try to help them to show them why it is wrong and they are punished. I'm not saying jail time for my x wife but it would be nice to have someone in this industry simply say to my x "if he is so bad prove it". Because she has hurt so many people and so far all everyone has ever heard is either lies (if they are gullable) or it's none of their business.



Marriage is marriage, and murder is murder, not even close the same thing.



It sounds to me that maybe your exwife is telling 'stories' and your emotional about how people will look at you. Maybe there is a truth to what she says, maybe she is totally exagerating, Maybe there is denial on both parts. Be upset, it's upsetting, but really people will make their own judgements regardless of the falacies or not. People who know you, know you and if they are going to make judgement without confronting then who cares, Don't you have alot better things to worry about?



My family had it all and I always did my best. The week before my wife left, since her schedule was busy, we cleaned the house, picked her flowers, washed and vaccumed her truck and I donlt know what else. then she leaves and says "no woman should ever be treated as I treated her".



Bottom line marriage is work not duties. If she was unhappy, something wasn't working. And since her schedule was so busy, I am sure she appreciated your help. Responsibilities should be shared.







Now instead of living in a nice home she lives in a 2 bedroom apartment, instead of driving her choice of car she has to borrow one, instead of a trip or 2 to the carribean she scrapes just to get her grocery money.



Wow! you really gave her alot of things. It is a good thing she wasn't a plant because the nourishment is missing.   Property, belongings, field trips are wonderful but it sound like she was missing something really important (if she left)   Nourishment for the soul-the relationship- the friendship- the human being.   Was she lonely?





I was a loving husband just like the military guy and got the same treatment as him. I think someone should syart sitting these women down and telling them to give their head a shake and stop being so selfish, it's not about just you princess's



You are absolutely right! It's not about "You Princess" AND it's not about "You Princes' either" nor about keeping score of who gave what and how nice they think they are. You may have got the 'selfishness' part out of context. Wouldn't she have stayed if all she wanted was 'things?' Sounds like she's sacraficing a lifestyle for something less comfortable?????



If everyone is given concideration in their own relationship there may be a compromise. People change and as much as love is hurts, it happens and gives us an understanding about how we see ourselves, what type of people we choose to share our lives with, and maybe where we 'ourselves' could have done things differently.

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i happened to see your post.. and I don't claim to be an authority on the subject. but I thought I had the worlds greatest marriage and I have 3 children to my husband.. but we went through some major changes where after he lost a job and after 2 years got back on our feet everthing was looking up. And he had nothing to really do with the kids and i...I could tell u a long story. after 5 years of nothing and losing total communication and not being able to get answers and him not wanting to go for counseling.. since I have a lot of love to give to one special person I didn't want to live the way he was making me, thinking he wanted out and not able to tell me. I made the mistake of assuming, I made the mistake of not riding it out...But not every couple has the rite answer for another.. if you took 5 people and put them in the same circustance they would probablly all deal with it differently. So if you lost communication...and they wont go to counseling... the best advice i can give you is you go to counseling so a counselor that is professional can help you cope until there is an answer..

For everyone involved haste is not the answer! my husband and I had a rough 7 years but i wouldn[t want to be anywhere else . He is truley my flesh and family. It true we all change and hope that the partner can roll with the changes but no matter where you go you have to remember that there is 4 stages to a marriage and you are going to get to the comfort stage its always going to be good in the early stages we were intended to go through the changes together... I personally need to be loved but I also want what Ive built over the years with the one I belong with.. I understand how you feel. I hope everything works out and she comes around its not easy out there in any way
Deb