Co-Parenting After Divorce

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After all the squabbles, legal skirmishes and going separate ways, few things are more gratifying than to find ways to make peace for children of divorced parents.

The emotional trauma that these children experience cannot be overestimated. Although they may fully understand why their parents have divorced, many children still have a need to see the parents able to find a way to interact peacefully on some level.

Whenever possible, the divorced parents should endeavor to collaborate on major events that affect the children. At times, this collaboration has a way of opening doors of communication between the estranged pair that will allow the aftermath of divorce to progress in ways that the marriage could not.

Each parent has a stake in the children's wellbeing, and even if methods of childrearing differ, the greater goal of effective parenting can cover a multitude of sins. In some instances, the rich experiences that accompany the children's further development can become a basis for expanding that common ground.

Co-parenting is not easy. But its rewards are priceless.

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There was an article about this a few months back.

http://www.wellness.com/articles.asp?article=difficultspouse

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Wow!

Michele Germain's article might have saved me a lot of heartache a few years ago. With 20-20 hindsight I now can say that when a situation has progressed through divorce, each person can appear to be a "difficult former spouse" to the other.

Sometimes the trials of life help us to recognize our own needs to change. Compelling purposes unrelated to marital reconciliation may motivate one to reestablish a working relationship with one's "ex" for the children's benefit.

Additionally, through observing one's consistent commitment to the children, the other may eventually grow better to appreciate the value of one's childrearing impact.

Eventually, forgiveness may begin to grow and flourish. One may even develop a healthy sense of kinship with the "ex" that allows the same courtesies that one shows to one's other extended family. That kind of kinship can have a dramatically positive impact on the children.

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Do you speak from experience as either a divorced parent or child of divorced parents?

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The former. What are your experiences in this area?

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My parents divorced when I was 10, and my mom split the family literally in half. My younger brothers moved with her, my sister and I stayed with my father.

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Would you care to share some positive experiences that can inform divorced parents what to focus upon? More specifically, what works for the children:

• immediately during the post-divorce transition; and
• long-term thereafter?

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It is very important for divorced parents to try to practice and maintain a respectful "post" relationship, in that they are respectful in dealing with each other after the split. It is especially critical to apply this when the children are present. My mother made no attempt to hide her extreme disdain for my father after the divorce- even going so far as to resort to belittling him and name-calling when discussing him in front of us. This only helped to exacerbate the entire situation- and issues were already stressed enough. Regarding long-term effects of this, well I'm not sure- but therapy certainly helps and my mother still calls my father names after 25 years.

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Thanks for your comments. Hopefully, this kind of input will be helpful to others who find themselves in a co-parenting arrangement. Until this society finds a way to reverse the course of household disruption, we will need to ensure that co-parenting becomes a more effective activity.

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Put your pain away and get into the good stuff! Here's what can happen:

My wife and her X (Kevin) split up when their son Zachary was 3. She and I started dating, we moved in together, and were married a year later. Needless to say, this was new territory for Kevin, painful, all the usual stories, reasons for animosity and strong feelings all around--certainly not comfortable for any of us. Kevin and I kept good distance from each other for the first couple years, but my wife kept saying that if we really got to know one another that we'd probably become friends. This sounded like a different language to me. I couldn't relate or even conceive of that possibility at any level. I'm sure Kevin felt the same way.

When Zach was about 5 years old, Santa got him a little off road motorcycle for Christmas. I knew Kevin liked motorcycles too and when he was dropping Zach off at our house one evening, we actually said more than two words to each other for the first time.

I mentioned the bike to him (before Christmas) and to feel free to take Zach and his motorcycle out riding anytime. I also cracked some joke about us all going riding together some time.

Fast forward...

This little motorcycle was the basis for connection on so many levels for all of us. We ended up becoming great friends--like family actually. Kevin is like a God Father to my two daughters (7 & 8) and they practically consider him their other dad just like Zach has me. I'd do anything for him and I'm sure he would too. As a group, we hang out all the time happily and the benefits to the children are obvious.

When people hear our story and see us all hanging out together, they start feeling really silly for all the baggage they've been packing and repacking for years. I wouldn't be surprised at all if this was a tipping point for you too.

I know some of you are thinking that Kevin and I must be really unusually understanding, patient, non-confrontational people who got lucky having a lot in common. All I can say to that is would be way off base. We're as confrontational, difficult, bizarre of a combination as any two people could ever be. We had nothing in common other than Zach and this little motorcycle.

Be well,

John Valenty