When Good Parenting Means Choosing Divorce

by ALeedom

There is a little secret no one really ever tells you about raising great kids. You only discover this for yourself as you walk the parenting path over the years. Raising great kids isn’t just about what we teach them. It isn’t about the lifestyle we provide for them. It is very much about what kind of relationship we have with the other parent. In fact, it may be the most important factor of all.

Now that itself isn’t a revelation. The secret is that we each have to figure out for ourselves if we do have a strong, loving marriage. We have to determine if the obstacles that come up in our relationship are things that can be worked on and overcome or if they are insurmountable and we do indeed have to move on. Easier said then done.

Divorce simply wasn’t an option for me. I would need to exhaust every possible avenue before I would even consider such a tragic and horrific move. So the parade of marriage counselors began, each one seeing our marriage in a similar perspective. Small changes might come here and there, but overall nothing was going to really ever be different. Behavior and values were set in place in each of us. In spite of the incredible damage that was being done to our relationship and to our kids, changes just were not possible. I knew I had to either live with what I had or leave what I had.

Many people said I should leave. That seemed so negative in my opinion and they were closed-minded. They didn’t see that I was willing to work harder than anyone ever had before. I was more committed and wasn’t going to give up. There were two small kids involved and I owed it to them to give it my very best shot.

Thanks to a great therapist and some time to work it all out, I now understand what I didn’t for 11 years…..11 years of emotional turmoil that I or my children may never recover from. According to relationship coach Dr. Richard Zahn (www.richardzahnpsyd.com) there are three typical paths that troubled marriages take.

1. The relationship can get healthier. If both people are committed truly to the process and each other this can happen. Each partner must do the work on him or herself rather than just be focused on what the other person is doing wrong. Both people need to be reasonably healthy psychologically. When personality disorders or mental health issues are present, the chances of success are greatly diminished. The question to ask is would my partner be here alone, working on him or herself if I were not part of this process? The answer speaks volumes.

2. One or the other partner in the relationship will choose to leave. Some individuals are able to see clearly early into marriage counseling that the crucial elements and mindset required is just not there. Or they have just gone through too much pain and do not have the ability and desire to continue down such a difficult path. They choose to leave. Often the go through the process of counseling, but it is about being validated and having a witness to their demise of the marriage, rather than truly trying to save their marriage. They know that this is all they have to gain at this point, and it can be worth everything.

3. The third option is the most painful of all…self-sacrifice. According to Dr. Zahn, this is the choice people will often make when they know the changes they are looking for are not going to happen, but leaving is just too painful or simply not an option. The individual simply decides to give up on everything they want and need and live in a relationship that will not meet their needs or the needs of the children.

Resisting divorce when it is clearly the healthy and appropriate course of action can be incredibly damaging to both partners and more importantly, to the children that are involved. Most experts agree that unless children can witness affection and see their parent’s resolve their differences, watching parents fight or seeing their parents chronically unhappy will damage their sense of security. It will rob them of any healthy view of not only their own parents, but of all relationships in general.

It is the hardest step I have ever had to take. Once I realized I was staying with someone who was emotionally destructive for both my kids and me, it became the easiest and most natural step in the world. I still don’t believe in divorce if at all possible, but now I believe that only unnecessary divorces are unfortunate. If you are married to someone who is mentally or psychologically destructive and unwilling to work on his or her own issues, then choose to live your life fully starting right now. Guilt does kill the human spirit.

Therapists can determine in the first few weeks if someone is capable of real change. Being a healthy and loving parent is to make a choice that comes from courage and not from fear. Once you ask yourself that question…once you know if you are staying because of your guilt and your fear or if you are staying because there is real and tangible hope…..then you know if you need to leave You have the divine right to be happy and to protect your children. Choosing divorce can often mean choosing life.

Posted 5/6/2008 10:14:29 AM
About the Author



Anne Leedom
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El Dorado Hills,  CA

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