4 Ways to Make Your Divorce a Total Disaster for Your Children

Look, divorce is never easy on the kids, and this is true whether they’re 2 or 22.  However, if you’re really looking to turn the experience into a complete train wreck for your entire family, there are a few time-tested actions you’ll need to take.  Fortunately, these come pretty naturally when you are hurt and angry. So hold onto that rage and take aim! Here are some pointers:

1. Rag on your ex

Make sure your kids know about all the faults and weaknesses of your ex. This is a great way to undermine their connection with that parent and cut off an important source of support for them during a tough time.  Not only does this technique sour your children’s perspective of that parent, it also makes you look really bad, since people tend to dislike people who put down their parents.  You end up with a kid who is distanced from both his/her parents.  That’s quite a disaster.

 2. Share details of the divorce with them

Getting into the nitty-gritty of mom’s affair or dad’s gambling habit is sure to alienate your children from both of you (see tip #1).  Also, it puts children in a “parentified” position, giving them access to and responsibility for information they may not be developmentally ready to deal with.  If little Timmy is now mom’s confidant with whom she shares her deep disappointments in life, her negative self-image, her profound emotional pain, it may be hard for Timmy to go back to playing with his train set and be cool with it.  This is a great way to mess him up, of course.

3. Use your kids as go-betweens and spies

This is like throwing them right out into the middle of the battlefield.  They are getting hit from both sides with pressure, guilt, disparagement – this too can be devastating to your kids’ relationships with both their parents.  “Is your father hanging out with that trophy girlfriend of his again?”  “What did your mother say about me this time?”  “Tell your father that the reason you can’t get new shoes is because he didn’t pay last month’s child support!”  This way the children are forced to be part of the attacks themselves.  Turning children into not only victims of their parents, but perpetrators against them as well, is sure to make them feel lousy.

4. Tell them it’s their fault

You might think they’d never believe you, but in fact, very many children believe this even without any encouragement at all.  Kids tend to see themselves as the center of the world (not unlike your stupid, no-good ex-spouse), and so they naturally believe that if something bad happened in their lives, they’re the ones who caused it. So, go ahead and reinforce this message.  That ought to ensure a need for a few years of therapy down the road.

If you are looking to totally trash your children’s self-esteem, support system, emotional well-being, and future success, these four tips are a surefire path to that end.  Of course, if you’re looking to avoid terrible difficulties for your children – different strokes for different folks, right? – well, maybe consider a different approach.