15 Things to Teach Your Children Before They Are 15

Our two daughters (Fiona 13 & Sophia 14) appear to be a parenting experiment--gone right (so far). Here are a few observations and reflections in my article 15 Things to Teach Your Children Before They Are 15...

We’ve all seen the results of the “easy-going” style of parenting and it seems to produce its share of dependent, unhappy, low-performance, disrespectful children. We’ve seen children of the micromanager-style parents and I question whether those kids are being conditioned to think for themselves. We’ve seen children of relentless hard-asses who might cower, be overly aggressive themselves or gravitate towards destructive outlets in later years.

I've met a lot of parents while the kids were in school and was really interested in any parenting style that seemed to produce more confident, high performing, self motivated children. We’ve all seen these rare kids who managed to do well even amidst scarcity, difficulty, even hardships. Some of these high performers seem to be fueled on not much more than love, support and high expectations.

The other styles looked like a lot of work and trouble, so we figured we’d try it and see what happens. Love, support and high expectations---easy, right?

Well, so far... both our teen girls are happy, confident, independent-minded, straight A students and stay out trouble. They rarely ask for help with their homework and they’ve managed to do it on their own without being reminded since around the 3rd grade. They also love to dress up, cook, entertain, sing and play music. The girls practice Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, enjoy camping, surfing, boating, fishing, target shooting, working with tools and woodworking projects.

I know we are blessed and that every child and situation is drastically different. That being said, if it’s of any value, I’ll share a few parenting philosophies and what I’m hoping they learn before they are out of the house.

Here are the list of fifteen things I’m hoping to ingrain in the girls before they get their driver’s license.

1. We have high expectations for them

We want them to know we love them unconditionally and still will hold them accountable to doing their best, trying new things, being honest, respectful, appreciative, serious, and operating with good judgement. We love them enough to teach them how strong they are, how much they can handle, how to be independent-minded, self-respecting people who can also laugh at adversity, have fun and cut loose at the drop of a hat. When they face difficulty, we want them to know they can handle whatever comes their way.

2. Eat the right food

When my girls were younger they were allergic to wheat / gluten and didn’t know it. It was literally making them crazy (which was making us crazy parenting them). One turned into a monster and the other fit to be tied after eating anything with wheat gluten in it. Once they learned about their food allergies and in general what foods were good for them, they transformed almost overnight. When we eat processed foods, grains, simple carbohydrates and starches, our thinking tends be fuzzier, emotions a lot higher and we feel less in control (AKA a little crazy). Eating simple real food, laying off the junk, and limiting or eliminating grains, starches and simple carbs can do wonders for our emotional and physical health. Children don’t naturally gravitate to healthy eating on their own. There’s just too much marketing of crap so I do my own marketing of what’s good to eat. Only parents can limit easy access to junk and embed a healthy fear of processed and genetically modified foods, creating good eating habits while under our roof.

3. You can handle a lot more than you think

As parents we only have a short time with our children to prepare them for life in a safe environment. As life is certain to be quite difficult in between the good times, our kids need to develop perspective and coping skills quickly while they’re safe in our homes. We want our kids to know they can cope with whatever comes their way, get through it and even learn from it. They can cope with ANYTHING without drugs, alcohol or mind altering medications. We’re trying to embed in their minds early... “you can handle it--this too shall pass--try to find the positive in adversity if you can.” Kids who are not taught to cope early often resort to terrible alternatives.

4. Create your own reality show

Don’t just “watch” life on TV. Get in on the action. Imagine a reality show where the characters are just sitting on their couch watching TV or playing video games. How many people would watch that show? I’m always trying to get new activities on the calendar before they start driving on their own. Kids don’t just turn the TV off, get real and start “living” on their own as lazy entertainment is too easy to engage in--so I’m always prepared to force the issue when I have to--hey it’s serious business, this is the only time we have to make an impact.

5. Figure it out for yourself

I’m passionate about developing a wide range of skills in them early and safely in our home so they’re not in for a world of hurt in the real world. We push them hard to think for themselves, solve problems, be accountable to their duties, manage their own time and money. We’ve got only a few more years with them if we’re lucky, if we’re not preparing them now--when is a better time? There isn’t one. I refuse to have them experience the shock and horror of being unprepared for reality when there are so many things they can learn to figure things out on their own. Think I’m just a hardass? Can you tell me a better feeling than that of accomplishment--learning to do something for themselves? It’s great stuff.

6. Fail forward

We only need them to stay alive. I want my children to have the willingness to try new things (within reason), make mistakes, fail, laugh about it, maybe cry about it, but always get up with a positive attitude and try again. Failing is essential to learning and we want them to embrace temporary failures and not be lame about trying to avoid failure. Those who are always trying to avoid failure aren’t trying new things and don’t accomplish much.

7. Don’t seek approval from others

In reality your child will not be liked by everyone and not even you will approve of everything they want to do. That’s a sign they are developing into strong, healthy and confident people with some initiative--possibly even leadership ability. They should fight to always be that person who thinks for themselves, does what they believe in without seeking approval from others.

8. You don’t “need” a lot of friends

We are all lucky if we have one decent friend. If your child doesn’t have any close friends yet, there’s nothing wrong, they don’t “need” one and certainly not a low quality friendship. Your child may not be ready or might even be more mature than others and simply not found someone they relate closely to yet. The right friend who is worthy of their friendship will come around soon enough. Don’t force it.

9. Always “use” your brain

Don’t let your brain use you. When you’re not consciously using your mind as a tool for critical thinking, decision making or problem solving, it will default to playing an inner movie of distorted past experiences and new mind-made fears of the future. We all do it. It’s not real. We all need to learn to quiet our inner-movies and gain control through mindful observation. Literally watch your mind try to play these movies and you’ll realize that the conscious, present (you) is separate from our remarkable minds (the tool). When we become aware of the separation, we feel an increasing peace, presence and control in our lives (despite the crazy thoughts running in our head). Parents, if you don’t know what I’m talking about--start with yourself first. A good book on the subject is “The Power of Now”.

10. Don’t speak like an idiot

There’s no faster way to sound ignorant and unattractive than to overuse the word “like” where it doesn’t belong--especially you moms and daughters. This stupid sounding fad is just that… monkey hear, monkey do. It sounds ridiculous and people are making fun of you behind your back. Don’t allow it in your household and don’t miss an opportunity to point out how ridiculous it sounds when you hear it in public. Develop speaking habits in your children (now) that will ready them for interviews, advancement and quality relationships.

11. Learn to defend yourself

The statistics demonstrate that nearly 20% of college women report having been sexually assaulted. The unreported cases are potentially higher. And nice boys have to deal with aggressive people too. If you don’t want her to become one of those statistics, or him to become a weak pushover, consider enrolling them into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu classes. It’s great exercise, builds confidence and will teach them how to safely contend with much larger people and very real threats they could encounter as children and young adults.

12. Develop a skill or talent outside of school

Good grades are not enough (not even straight A’s). We’re looking to engage them in challenging, useful or productive things to build their self confidence in many areas. If they aren’t pursuing anything on their own and I see a lack of interest, boredom and/or using the television or mobile device as a constant distraction--time to get creative, firm and/or enroll them in a new activity. If they aren’t motivated to come up with anything on their own, there are always more chores and less TV to spark the imagination.

13. Be generally appreciative and respectful

They are lucky to have a roof over their head and healthy food to eat. If they aren’t generally appreciative and respectful, sorry, but that’s us teaching them it’s okay to be that way. Perspective time! (not fun… but necessary) Perspective is easy to create when we limit TV, assign more chores or charitable service. An amazing transformation awaits them if they need it. I figure it’s our job is to prepare them for life, not to be their best friend.

14. Trust your intuition

If something feels wrong, it probably is. If your intuition is telling you that you shouldn’t trust a particular person, or do a particular activity--take your intuition seriously!

15. Keep a positive mental attitude

You can do it. Find the positive--even in failure. Just look for it. If you can’t find it right away, just laugh about it and keep looking. The bright side can’t hide forever because you can find the positive in all things.

Keep it real,

John Valenty

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